Ashes Blow Away

Chapter Twenty Two

Chapter Twenty Two: Scars

The party is fun.

It's nothing special; not by any means. But Everly gets a new stuffed toy, and some baby dolls, some clothes I would never let her wear, and a few new story books. After it is all over, I thank everyone for coming and send them on their way. Mom is, unsurprisingly, the first to leave.

" Am I going to see you again?" I mumble as I pull out of our embrace.

She swallows thickly, staring at me. " You. . . come. . . see me."

I swallow. I know what this means; no. I'm not going to see her again. There will be phone calls and letters. But she doesn't want. . .

" I - I love you," I whisper.

She blinks at me once. " You, too."

That night, after I have tucked Everly into bed, I cry into Peeta's chest. I cry for the loss of my father, for the absence of my mother, and for the emptiness that should be filled with a thirty-one year old sister. And then I cry because I shouldn't cry over these things anymore, but I still do.

" Katniss," Peeta whispers. " I'm so sorry."

" She. . . didn't even say I love you back. She couldn't bring herself too because he doesn't." I sob.

" Katniss, don't say that, you know her, she's just-"

" She's horrid," I whisper.

" That's not what-"

I sit up and glare at Peeta. " She's horrid. She's not a mother - not to me, anyway. She was Prim's mother. I'm not enough. I'll never be enough for anyone."

I collapse back onto Peeta's chest.

It's a horrible feeling, knowing that someone doesn't want you. I've always hoped that maybe, just maybe, my mother would come back and Everly would have a grandmother. But that's not the case.

In some twisted way, this gives me motivation. I am going to be everything Everly needs. I'm going to try, at least.

I repeat all this to Peeta and he just chuckles, kissing my hair.

" Don't you see, Katniss? You're already this, and much, much more."

Instead of making some snarky comment that I would probably get, I let my thoughts go in a different direction.

" Peeta?"

" Yes?"

" How did we. . ." my words catch in my throat. " I mean, why did we. . . spend all that time apart? How did we even. . .?"

Peeta sighs. " I honestly don't know. And I'm sorry. I thought I was doing what was best for you. I thought I was protecting you, but you shouldn't have had to suffer because of me."

I reach my hand up and touch my chin, wear I know there is scar. A scar that Peeta inflicted on me. His eyes follow my hand and his jaw tightens.

" That's exactly what I mean," he whispers.

" Don't feel bad," I say.

Peeta laughs bitterly. " Don't feel bad? I hurt you, Katniss! You have that scar because of me!"

I touch his face, suddenly angry. " And what about these?" I trail my hand down his arm. " And these? I gave you these."

" No you didn't," he sighs. " The Games did. Snow did. And I gave you that scar," he gestures to my chin," and many others-"

" No, that was my fault too."

" Your fault?" Peeta laughs humorously.

Tears spring to my eyes as I suddenly feel worse. " I wish you wouldn't take the blame for everything," I whisper. " It makes things so much worse."

" I'm sorry. I didn't-"

I just shake my head. It's the easiest thing to do, especially since I can't speak for crying. i bury my head in the pillow.

" Katniss, why are you so upset?" Peeta asks.

I turn over and stare blankly up at him. " Why do you think?"

He sighs. " Katniss."

" Peeta."

The corners of his lips twitch and I glare at him.

" Am I funny Peeta?" I ask.

Peeta tries to keep from laughing, rolling back onto his back. I can feel his body shake and hear chuckles coming out of his mouth. I turn on my side and whack his arm briefly, sinking into my own hysterics.

" Are you okay?" Peeta asks when I am yet to stop my laughter.

" Fine." Laugh. Sob.

" Katniss, I think you've gone crazy."

" Yeah." I whisper, giggling madly.

" But I love you anyway."

I grin. The three words that my mother couldn't even say, but that Peeta says - and will continue to - everyday of our life together.

" I love you, too."