always been mine - emily prentiss x reader

chapter nine // inter-team profiling

WARNINGS: mentions of child sexual abuse

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Back at work on Wednesday, you could tell everyone was walking on eggshells around you. "I'm sorry," Spencer said. He examined you for a moment, deciding quickly to give you a hug in the hallway. He wasn't a toucher, so this was major. 

"For what, Spence?" you chuckled nervously.

"Hotch told us that the case was rough for you." Looking up at him, you tried to see if he was lying. "What?"

"What's the real reason?"

"That's it,"

"No, it's not. You know something. What is it? Spit it out,"

"Y/N, I'm not—" You cut him off by pulling him into Garcia's lair. If she'd told him, one of them would break. And she already knew, so it wasn't news to her if you ended up telling him. "What are you doing?"

"Hey, you two!"

"Hey, Garcia,"

"What's up?"

"Spencer," you said, turning back to him, "Tell me what's going on,"

"Oh, no, is something wrong with the boy wonder too?" You turned and glared at her. "What?"

"'Too', you said, 'too', as in also, which means there's something wrong with someone else. And Dr. Reid here apologized and gave me a hug this morning, which means he thinks something's wrong with me,"

"It's not her fault, Y/L/N," Spencer tried to explain. "I read that case when I was studying the Catholic sex abuse scandal two years ago and when I brought up the topic of church with you, you changed the subject very quickly. I figured you didn't want to talk about it if something did happen or maybe you just had a bad experience with the church that was unrelated, but then after this case and the problems with your brother and Hotch gave you two days off, I asked Garcia if you'd asked her to look into anything unrelated to the case. She said yes, but to her credit she refused to tell me what."

You shifted your gaze between the two of them. "Spencer, you're way off base,"

"I'm not. You're sucking on your lip again and you can't look me in the eye,"

"I hate eye contact, you know that,"

"I do, but your face flushed when I mentioned the Catholic sex abuse. Combined, I'm almost certain you're lying to me,"

"Stop it!" A child again, that's what you were. You ran out of Garcia's office and to the bathroom, slamming the stall door shut and leaning against it, trying not to cry.

Everything was falling apart. Who else knew? Who would pity you, the very thing you'd been avoiding, for something that happened so long ago? You were fine. No, that was a lie, but you wanted to be. Why couldn't everything just be okay?

"Y/N?"

"Go away, Garcia,"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything to Spencer,"

"It's fine,"

"No, it's not. It wasn't my place to do that and if I had the chance to undo it, I would. I so would. But...we're all here for you, Y/N,"

"Great, so the whole team knows?"

"I don't know. I really don't. Reid's the only one who asked me anything remotely related to you, so they don't know from me. But in general, I don't know, honey. Please come out and talk to me." You sighed softly and unlocked the stall door. Garcia fell apart to see your red tear-stained face. "Oh, honey..." She hugged you tightly, and put her hands on your shoulders. "I'm so sorry. For everything. I...I'm always open to talk or just sit in silence or get milkshakes or whatever you want, okay?" You smiled at her. "You have such a pretty smile. It's nice to see it again. Now get yourself cleaned up, and uh, Hotch said he wants to see you."

"Fucking Christ," you groaned. Garcia chuckled and squeezed your shoulder before she left.

"Do you want me to tell Emily where you are?"

"No, it's okay. Can you...can you tell her about Spence, though? I..."

"Of course."

-

You wouldn't cry in front of Hotch. You couldn't. How unprofessional! 

"Y/L/N. Sit down." You couldn't defy him or you would break down, so you sat. "How are you?"

"Good. Very grateful for the vacation."

"Garcia told me Reid was doing some inter-team profiling on you." You rolled your eyes, instantly filling with regret. "She said she had to use the bathroom. When I asked Reid about it, he said I should talk to you first as it 'wasn't his place'. What's going on?" 

You took a deep breath. "Spencer...profiled something about me, something from, from long before I worked in the FBI. It's since been resolved, but I would prefer not to discuss it, sir,"

"Well, that's not an option anymore. It's not a criminal infraction, that would've come up in your background check. You started working for the FBI when you were 25, so it likely isn't undercover work either. Almost certainly family or childhood issues. What happened, Y/N?"

Hotch only called you by your first name when it was something serious. "You already know that my home life was...tumultuous growing up." He nodded. It wasn't technically a lie, he did know that, but that wasn't what this was about. 

"Why now? Why did Reid say it wasn't his place and Garcia felt that this was so serious that it deserved reporting to me?" Fuck. He's good. "As long as there's no unsolved criminal activity involved I don't have to tell anyone,"

"No, I know." You counted the seconds of your breaths, keeping a level head. Eventually he would find out anyway. Better from you than from someone else. "I was sexually abused, for seven years, and he's in prison now, but going home to Massachusetts just brought all that up for me, especially when my brother mentioned it." Hotch looked at something on his desk and shook his head. 

"Y/N, I'm very sorry." You nod your head, feeling a lump in your throat. "Who have you told?"

"Outright, just you and Emily. But obviously Garcia and Reid know. I asked Garcia to check arrest and subsequent prison records for my assailant, so she put two and two together on that one. And Reid profiled it." He nodded his understanding.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No. Just...keep this between us. I don't need everyone's pity."

"Of course."

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y'all yesterday i was talking to my friend (socially distanced ofc) and was like "so you know my criminal minds fanfiction" and she was like "...i'm calling my mom" because she had to be picked up and i just completely forgot about that like that woulda been so awkward for her mom to hear about this