always been mine - emily prentiss x reader

chapter twenty-two // god is dead

WARNINGS: mentions of homophobia/violence; dissociation/derealization as a result of being drugged

—————

"Someone called 911 and reported hearing a woman screaming for help while they were in the woods near a lake just outside of town. There's only one building out there, a shed that used to house old ice fishing equipment, but it's not commonly used now, and it's municipal property so there's no owner we can trace to it. People said they didn't know where the screaming was coming from but it was faint,"

"If they heard her screaming that means she's alive,"

Morgan didn't want to bring up all the possibilities of how it might not be you, or how you could've died by the time help got to you, or any number of tragic incidences. Emily needed this hope.

—

Emily wasn't allowed to go out there, it was protocol, and Morgan and Hotch had to physically restrain her. Reid ran out to the shed and Rossi searched for the unsub. "I've got her," the team heard over their comms. Spencer put his fingers on your neck. "We need medical. I've got a thready pulse, but she's unconscious and freezing, she's lost a lot of blood." Emily fell, sobbing. No one had ever seen this from her. The most emotional she'd ever been in front of them was at your wedding, a very different kind of emotional.

The flashing lights of the police and ambulance were like Christmas decorations to what could've been the end of your life. Emily hated the world, she hated everything. Everything happened so fast at the lake that Reid ended up being in the ambulance with you. 

He hears you flatline.

Emily needs you. It's so dark, so cold. You know there's a bright light, but you can't see it, and words seep into your mind. Something you've read, a quote of some kind. "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers?" It hits you like a train. Emily. Emily needs you.

Death and rebirth is like a jumpscare. Your body is on fire as you gasp awake. The heart rate monitor beeps faster than you can think. A beanpole of a man next to you raises his eyebrows, he's been crying. "She's alive."

—

You wake up to see someone familiar sitting next to you. You're not in a tin box anymore, like you were with Spencer.

"Y/N," the woman cries. This is Emily. You don't know why you're here, or what happened, or where you are, but you know that this is your wife, this is Emily, and Emily loves you. You love her more.

"Em,"

"My love, I...I'm so glad you're okay,"

"I—" You try to look around, but your body aches. There's a morphine drip attached to you, but you think it's not doing much. You're wrong. "Did I die?" you ask her. Emily bites her lip and looks down at her folded hands.

"For six minutes, in the ambulance. You flatlined." Her voice is breaking. "But you're here, you're okay now, love,"

"Love. You're my love, Emily Prentiss." She smiles and for the first time in a day, she laughs. "Where is here?" Her face falls.

"What?"

"You said I'm 'here', where am I?"

"You're in the hospital,"

"In New York?"

"No, in DC now. We caught him, you were transferred,"

"Caught who?" Emily furrows her brow. "Who's 'we'?"

"The team, we caught the unsub. Dominic French,"

"Team? Dominic..." Everything sounds familiar, but foggy, and you can't quite get your brain to connect the dots. "No, I know," you say. "Sorry, I...I'm just...it's hard..." Emily takes your hand.

"I know, love. It's okay. Are you tired?"

"Mm, please don't leave,"

"Never. Do you want to see the team?" You think for a moment and nod, exhausted already. "Okay. I know I said I wouldn't leave, but I'll be right back, and I'm gonna bring them with me, okay?" You nod again.

Nothing's real. Reality could dissolve in a moment and you'd feel no different. Your trance did not end when Emily returned with several more people. You recognized all of them, and knew them as friendly forces, but beyond that you had trouble knowing who they all were. 

"Y/N," Emily said with a little knock. The team filed in behind her, standing around your hospital bed. They were all exhausted. 

"How are you feeling?" asked one of them. He was with you. That's what you knew. He was there.

"Spencer," you murmur. He raises his eyebrows. Many of them glance at your wife.

"She's still a little out of it," she explained. 

"The drugs?"

"Hospital or person?" you ask. You can't think of a better word than 'person' to explain. "What he gave me," you try. 

"Shh, honey, just get some rest," Emily whispered, stroking your hair. 

The doctor needed to speak with Emily, but you didn't want to be alone. They said there were too many people in the room at a time, though, so everyone began to leave. "Spencer," you call out. He turns around, and Emily looks up at him. "Stay?" He nods. 

"Of course, Y/N."

Emily speaks to the doctor, and you sigh as Spencer sits in the chair where Emily had been. "I died, and I don't even think Heaven or Hell is real anymore, 'cause it was bizarre," you say to him. You try to put inflection in your voice but it refuses. "'God is dead. God remains dead—'"

"'And we have killed him.'" Spencer finishes. "Nietzsche. You heard Nietzsche when you died?" You nod. "What did you see?"

"Nothing. Darkness. It was really cold." You shiver slightly at the memory. "And I didn't really hear it. It was like the voice of my internal monologue, but it wasn't inside my head, but it was...I don't know. Sorry,"

"Hey, don't worry. Do you...do you remember what happened?" You shake your head.

"I really don't. I want to. I know it hurts, but I want to. I really just don't know, Spence." 

You'd been drugged. Same cocktail as the other victims, mostly dissociatives and deliriants. Anterograde amnesia as a result. You were trying to remember.

— 

Emily refused to leave the hospital for days, until JJ finally forced her to shower and sleep and eat something other than snacks and hospital food. Henry came to visit you, coming with JJ, and it made you happy to see the little guy. He was absolutely adorable, and he loved his aunt. 

He asked if he could sit in your bed with you. "Oh, buddy, Auntie Y/N got hurt, I don't want her to get hurt more by accident, bud,"

"No, JJ, it's fine. Henry, we're just gonna be super careful today, okay?" He smiles and JJ lifts him up. You move over to make room, and he snuggles up next to you. You give his little blond head a kiss.

"Mommy, I give her present now!" JJ raised her eyebrows with a big smile.

"Yeah? You wanna give her the present?" Henry nodded.

"You got me a present? Wow, buddy, that's so nice of you, thank you so much!" He giggles bashfully. JJ pulled out a wrapped item from her bag.

"Henry picked it out himself." To Henry this was a brag from his mother, but to you she was apologizing; she didn't think you'd like it. Oh, how wrong she was!

"Open it!" Henry laughed. You took the wrapping paper off gently, and laughed. "You like it?"

"I love it! This is so thoughtful, Henry, how'd you know I like dinosaurs?" It was simply adorable, a big pastel blue dinosaur plushie. You would cherish it forever.

When Emily returned to the hospital, she saw it in your bed and started laughing. "Henry?"

"Who else?"