To the Shadowsinger | Azriel

Chapter 79: Versions of you

 Meeting Feyre and Rhys again went better than Raisa could have expected. There were times in the mirror where Feyre and Raisa built a friendship while other times, Feyre kept a polite distance out of guilt or a belief that Raisa didn't want to converse with the High Lady. After tonight, Raisa knew what their friendship would be like. She would join Feyre at the art studio, where the former queen would create what looked like children's fingering paintings despite her best attempts. They would spend nights drinking too much wine and enjoying dancing and singing. Raisa could sing here, she had always enjoyed singing but here she could do it comfortably. And hopefully in this lifetime too, Feyre would help Raisa build what she had only seen glimpses of.

Raisa recognized Cassian, the louder one of Azriel's brothers, and Nesta, who looked as though she had just climbed a mountain from the way her skin glistened with sweat. On second thought, Raisa sniffed the air. Her eyes darted to Azriel at the realization, he was already looking at her with a knowing hint of a smile that said, They're worse than rabbits.

She stomped out her own swell of arousal at the sight of her mate. So far away, he looked like a painting- too beautiful to be real. But close up, she could fall to her knees. That hunger she felt was reciprocated in his eyes, it was hard to look away, but she cracked her neck and took a seat at the table.

After Mor and Amren arrived, Feyre turned to her mate and sighed. "If Nyx and Wylla aren't here in the next five minutes, my wings are coming out and I'll drag them from the sky if I have to."

When the children finally did arrive, food appeared on the table. Once again, Raisa found a lump forming in her throat for having people to eat with. It was such a simple thing, something they all seemed used to, but Raisa's smile only fell when she was shoveling some of the mouth-watering food into her mouth or when she was talking. Nesta ended up carrying the longest conversation with her, she wanted to know all about these legendary warriors that died a long time ago. Even Cassian and Azriel were interested in the conversation which made Raisa even happier to offer her knowledge. Azriel slid a hand up her thigh as she spoke, his touch both reassuring and enough to make her cheeks burn.

There was peace and love at that table. No stress of war or talk of threats. This was what a family felt like, and for some satisfying reason, Raisa didn't feel like an outsider.

"Since you have ties to the fae territories on the continent, perhaps you could serve as an emissary for the Night Court if you want to do something to occupy your time," Rhys had offered Raisa after dinner was finished and the kids were getting antsy to leave the table.

The wine had steadied Raisa's nerves, she was completely relaxed and held Azriel's hand in her lap. She had laughed at Rhys' offer, thinking he was joking. He wasn't, she realized. "Is this nepotism or do you truly believe I would make a good emissary?"

He shrugged.

She huffed a laugh but then answered, "To tell you the truth, I have no desire to play politics any longer. But if you are still interested in giving me a job, I do have an idea."

Amren seemed the most eager to hear and tilted her head for a better chance of hearing Raisa say, "I want to become a teacher."

Speaking it aloud for others to hear had Raisa sink a bit in her seat. Teaching children has always been her "if I wasn't a queen, what would I be doing" answer. And now, she wasn't a queen. She would start small, working on expanding her own education and doing private tutoring and hopefully one day in the future, she would build a school. A place any child could come and learn. After hearing more of her ideas, Rhys and Feyre were glowing with ideas. Perhaps they were even more excited than Raisa, because they already gave her the location of a library embedded in a mountain and offered her stacks of books from their own personal study. Nesta even offered to show her around the secret library.

By the end of the night, Raisa could barely hold her eyes open but she did so in fear of missing anything. They had moved to a large sitting area where Azriel pulled Raisa onto his lap and they all continued to talk. The children soon grew tired and to Raisa's surprise, Wylla had given her a tight hug and asked her to tuck her into bed. Raisa learned that Wylla had her own room in the house, yet usually snuck out to sleep in Nyxous' room. But tonight, Wylla climbed into the over-sized bed and nuzzled in with a calm smile.

A deeper part of Raisa knew exactly what to do. She pulled a book off of the book shelf and sat on the edge of the bed. Before she could open it and begin reading, Wylla whispered, "I'm never going home, am I?"

Raisa didn't know the answer, but she knew the odds were very unlikely. Wylla knew this too, yet she didn't look afraid nor sad. The little girl's eyes shined like sapphires as she reached over and picked something off the nightstand Raisa hadn't noticed. A shard of glass. Wylla held it in her palm like it was a broken butterfly but Raisa knew what it was. Her blood turned to ice- she knew none of that chaotic magic lingered but her body still reacted. She wanted nothing to do with it.

"I pulled this out of my leg after we came back," Wylla ran her finger down the shard's smooth surface. "Sometimes, I think I can see my mom looking back at me."

Raisa put the book down, then took Wylla's hands in hers while reminding herself the mirror couldn't hurt her any more. You're free. Her thumb connected with the cold glass and she could feel the cold run up the length of her arm and expand in her chest. As cold as death. Death- of all the times she had died in the mirror, she had never experienced Death. Maybe even the mirror did not know what the afterlife looked like.

And yet, here you are. At least, Raisa prayed to the Mother this was real. There was the possibility of Raisa still being in the mirror. That she was still a mindless Queen walking around her palace and believing she was living a better life. That she would wake up and this would all be nothing more than a false reality. So many possibilities. So many lives and times existing and not existing in one space yet no space at all.

Wylla leaned into Raisa's embrace as she pulled her close for warmth. "There is a place in time where you are home. Your mom and dad see you grow into a beautiful fae, they see you find love, and happiness, and accomplish great things"

"That doesn't make any sense," Wylla frowned.

Maybe it didn't. Maybe Raisa did go mad in the mirror. But she tried to explain, "Think about how every decision you've ever made led you to where you are now, but if you made a different choice, you would be somewhere else. This makes different versions of you, all existing at once. Sometimes in different forms, in different worlds, with different people."

Wylla considered this for a while before her head drooped. Her voice was so quiet, Raisa almost missed it, "I'm happy I found you all."

Raisa hummed a soft lullaby and traced the lines of Wylla's face until the girl fell into a deep sleep. Despite that happiness Wylla spoke of, Raisa could see as she returned to the land of sleep, that demons plagued the girl. Demons that she shouldn't have to face on her own. Perhaps that was why she clung so desperately to Nyxous. There was no irritation in his eyes from her constant company and not even a complaint. That thought brought a soft smile to Raisa's face. Wylla had found a home here and someone to help fight her demons.... And so did Raisa.

I am happy I found you too.