To the Shadowsinger | Azriel

Chapter 22: Hate me

Azriel didn't look away from Feyre as Rai's hand slipped out of his and her chair slid back. He watched Feyre's eyes shift and jaw tighten while Rai made her way out of the dining room. He wanted to follow her, but he couldn't. It would look like he was going against his High lady's decision if he got up and left without permission.

Rhys, knowing him better than anyone, gave him an understanding nod.

That was all the permission Azriel needed before he was hurrying in the direction Rai went. He quickly found her on the balcony, her chin resting on her hands as she leaned on the railing.

"Are you alright?"

She spun around looking fierce and half-surprised by his presence. "I'm upset, Azriel."

He silently stood by her side, patiently watching as the fierceness turned to sadness. "I didn't get what I wanted when I asked nicely, so what would be the next step? For my people I should be spiting the High Lady for denying my request, and stealing the mirror right now, but-" she looked at him desperately. "But you'd hate me if I did that, wouldn't you?"

Her words struck a chord in his heart. He instantly wanted to pull her into his chest and wrap her in his arms. He knew the words that she didn't speak- that he would choose Feyre's side over hers every time, and that she didn't want to make him choose.

"I don't want to be your enemy anymore," she whispered.

It took everything in him not to reach up and cup her cheek. He craved her warmth. Craved to silence her worries.

She turned her back to him, "I'm upset because I have been waiting centuries to liberate my people and destroy Ciaus and yet-" her voice cracked. "I'd rather it all wait than go against you."

He gripped the railing so hard he could feel the metal caving under his fingers. He couldn't tell her to go ahead and steal the mirror though. He couldn't give her what she wanted. "I'll kill him myself."

She turned around and looked at him. Her face was more relaxed, her green eyes completely vulnerable. "Do you know how many times I've thought that?" Her smile was sad.

"This isn't just a thought, this is a promise."

"No," she shook her head. "No. No more promises." His side was warm as she stood beside him, their shoulders barely touching. "I'll get the High Lady to trust me. You'll see, we'll become best friends and she might even give me the mirror for my birthday."

A small smile teased Azriel's lips. He'd like that very much. For a moment, the idea fermented in his head. "Let's hope."

He saw from the corner of his eye her watching him with sad green eyes. It was the kind of look given at goodbyes. She wasn't saying goodbye, but for some reason, he felt the crushing presence of its inevitability. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Rai," he turned to her. This time he didn't resist the urge to slide his hand onto her cheek and tilt her head back until her stunning eyes met his. "Is it right to assume that I shouldn't trust you?"

Her lips parted. He could feel her pulse quicken. She took a deep breath and placed her hand over his, running her thumb over the texture of his scars. "Trust me when I say I don't want to hurt you."

And that, he did trust. He trusted it because of the gentle way she touched him, the way she looked into his eyes, and because something pulled her towards him like a magnet. He trusted that she didn't want to hurt him most of all because if she did... he wasn't sure he would recover. He felt a horrible sense of vulnerability around her, especially when all her attention was on him, and he knew she could shatter his heart if she wanted to.

"I do," his voice was gentle.

He wanted to kiss her, but he found himself memorizing her face. From the way her dark lashes curled to the little bump on her nose and the sharpness of her jawline. Beautiful. So Beautiful, he thought.

"You have to be careful when you look at me like that," her words only made him want her more. There was a challenge behind them.

"And why is that?" His thumb ran over her bottom lip.

She smiled teasingly, "because I might think that you actually like me."

His fingers locked around her chin, tilting her head even further back to expose her neck. He leaned down, slowly tilting his head, his eyes not leaving hers as she waited for lips to meet. He wanted to see what she'd do as he lightly trailed his lips along her jaw and brought them to her ear.

"What if I did?" He whispered.

She peeled his hand off her chin, squeezing it reassuringly. When he looked at her, he saw the sadness had returned. His other hand found hers and held on tight, trying to understand what was going on in her head. Moments before, he could feel only desire from her, what had changed?

"Don't you dare end up caring for me, Azriel." She couldn't even look him in the eye. "This is your only warning."

He held on as she tried pulling away. He wasn't ready to let go. She wasn't even his and yet, he couldn't imagine losing her. He knew he barely understood her, hadn't known her long, and she was married- but he had never wanted something so much in his life. She was all he asked for. Didn't he deserve to be happy for once in his life? To have someone that loved him back? I'm never going to have what Rhys and Cassian have, the thought hit him violently. He would never know what it was like to have someone. He had once thought it was Mor but looking at Rai, he had no doubt that she was the one.

"You deserve so much better," her hands were shaking.

He shook his head. No, how could she not understand that he was the broken one and she deserved better?

Tears spilled from her eyes, "Please. I don't want to hurt you. Just let me go, Azriel." Her hands slipped from his, sending a tight pain to his chest. He took a step after her as the distance grew but he couldn't figure out how to open his mouth and tell her No, please don't leave me.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed as he stood there staring off into the distance as Rai gripped the balcony ledge like her life depended on it. He took a step away from his feelings until he was numb. He was simply a body without room for feelings. There was no reason for him to care about Rai. He had known others longer than her and didn't care if they vanished, why would he care about a Queen from the east? His breathing had finally evened out, allowing him to look at her without his chest aching.

"You are nothing to me," he said loud enough for her to hear. He told himself that life would go on without her, he couldn't care. All she was to him was a nuisance- an attractive one. That's it... he was bored and only attracted to her physically. These thoughts twisted his stomach, but they were better than the alternative.

"Good to know we're on the same page," she sounded defeated and kept her back to him. "Am I sleeping on the couch again tonight?"

He had formed his lips in a hard line. He couldn't find it in him to speak again. Each second wore him out but if he didn't say something soon, he knew she would turn around and the sight of her face would break the walls he struggled to keep up.

"I'm sure you can find your way to a guest room," was all he could say. He left without another word. 

(A/N: This chapter hurt my heart to write because I just want to give my baby bat Azriel the best but I'm a sucker for tension and enemies-to-lovers so please stick with me. I have a decent outline now so I'm going to keep trying to pump out these chapters. Hope you guys are enjoying! Please feel free to vote and comment! Thank you -Shay)