To the Shadowsinger | Azriel

Chapter 30: I'm home

(Trigger warning: Domestic violence)

Five years ago

    Raisa had the ability to manipulate time, yet even she was unsure how it worked. She did know this: it didn't move in a steady line. It was like a liquid- there were so many moving parts it was hard to keep up. It was confusing.

    Bryaxis tried to explain the mirror's effects on time and space to her while traveling across the continent. Winnowing the whole distance with a cart and huge mirror was difficult so they winnowed to the edge of the continent so Raisa could regain her strength for another jump.

    "Think of it as every point in time and space coming through one object." Bryaxis scared her less when he talked like this. It reminded her of her mother's ramblings. "You could look into the mirror and see another world."

    Raisa cursed as her dress caught on a bush and ripped. She wasn't in the mood to talk. All she could think about was Azriel waking up alone. Luckily, Bryaxis didn't question why she stayed silent.

    "And why does it break the mind, you wonder?" He paused for her to answer.

    When she didn't say anything he shook his head with disappointment. It was odd seeing him in the daylight. He belonged to the horrors of night, not the cheery brightness of the morning sun. "It breaks the mind because most people cannot process their past, present, and future of all their lifetimes existing at once. For some, it even looks like a monster. But if you can withstand that— then Ouroboros can offer an infinity of worlds and times you could visit. That's how I got here. Look into the mirror and you may find yourself looking into another world. Or maybe even another life you have lived."

    Raisa didn't care. All she cared about was getting Caius and the council to look into the mirror so that she could return to Azriel and beg for forgiveness. She'd get on her hands and knees if she had to; she'd give anything for his forgiveness. She cursed herself for the thousandth time for not writing a note, but what could she say.

    Hey, sorry we turned out to be mates but I used you so my husband would think I was cheating on him rather than plotting his death. Please don't hate me! Maybe we'll meet again some day.... That is, if I don't die, which I probably will.

    It wasn't supposed to turn out like that. If she had slept with a random stranger that wasn't her mate, she would have been returning home with the mirror and a clear conscience. It would have been nothing but a one-night lover. Instead, the cauldron decided to make things more difficult.

    And why did Azriel have to be so perfect? She had entertained the idea of staying with him for a moment. She saw a life filled with love and happiness. She saw them having children together. She saw him loving her even if she wasn't a queen anymore. It was all she ever wanted and yet she walked away.

    When she got the strength, she winnowed Bryaxis and the wagon to a wine cellar underneath her castle. Knowing what to do- Bryaxis disappeared into the shadows leaving the wagon empty.

    I'm home, she picked up a bottle of aged wine and took a small sip. The wine was perfectly smooth and sweet- she hated it but Caius would like it. She poured something into the bottle before pushing the cork back in and winnowing to her bedroom.

    Her room was exactly how she left it. Her dark curtains were drawn just how she liked them, her gold tea set laid out on the table- waiting for guests that would never come- and her huge empty bed. Being back only reminded her how alone she was. It was a sad little cage.

    She told herself that she wouldn't be there much longer as she combed her hair and put on one of her finest dresses. Even though she wasn't allowed to attend the lunchtime service that occurred everyday at noon, she still made sure she was presentable.

    "Queen Raisa, glad to see you are feeling better," Lady Asha curtsied as she passed her in the hall.

    That must have been the reason Caius gave everyone for her absence. She scoffed at the idea. A small smile hid just how anxious she really was though. After all this time, Raisa would be free. She would just have to stick out the miserable parts she knew were coming.

    The heavy dining room door didn't make a sound as she cracked it open to see inside. The servant hadn't even offered to open the door knowing she wasn't welcomed but he didn't dare tell her to leave.

    The table was full just as always. The wicked bastards sat around it eating and talking about nothing important. There were ten lords in total- they made up the council but it was the eleventh male seated at the head of the table that garnered Raisa's attention.

    Caius sat as still as a painting with a glass of wine resting in the palm of one hand. He listened to the lords bicker and laugh with little to no interest. He was too important to care about their mundane issues. He was the King after all.

    As if noticing her watching, Caius' eyes locked with Raisa's through the crack in the door. She hissed in a breath, letting the door close before turning on quick heels. Panic flooded her as she raced back to her bedroom.

    There was someone lurking in the shadows. She couldn't make out the silhouette but the movement had her turning back around to get out. Her hand didn't even have time to twist the knob before she was grabbed by the hair and thrown across the room.

    A fist slammed into her face the same time her back hit the floor. Caius didn't listen to her cries. He didn't care. He didn't care for an explanation either- he could already smell another male on her and when he ripped open her dress he saw her skin littered with the marks of a lover.

    "How many times do I have to teach you the same lesson?" He gripped her face. She tried to move out of his grasp but he had her pinned using his body and magic.

    She could hardly make out his clear blue eyes in the darkness, eyes she had once loved but now hated. That's all she felt when she looked at him and it was enough. That hatred was the reason she couldn't love. It was the reason she couldn't choose to be happy.

    "I hate you!" She screamed in his face. Blood poured from her brow and burned her eye. "I hate you!" She cried out as he hit her again and again.

    Darkness threatened to take over. Her magic failed under his grasp and each time his fist collided with her face, her eyes struggled to open. She let her mind detach from her body until the pain wasn't hers to feel. It was when she looked up at Caius with dead eyes that he stopped.

    Something wet from above hit her cheek. "Why do you keep making me look like the bad guy?" Caius wiped one of his tears. "Do you think I want to hurt you?"

    She didn't say a word. She stared up at him, waiting for another kiss from his fist.

    He gripped her face and hissed, "answer me."

    Her bottom lip trembled, her whole body was shaking, "No."

    "No, what?"

    Her voice was fragile, "I don't think you want to hurt me." It was a lie she had to tell. It didn't matter how much she wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, she knew there was a number of other horrible things he could do to her and she was afraid.

    He carefully wiped away the blood on her face with his sleeve. His face went soft, "you smell disgusting."

    And as he fucked her to prove a point, she finally forgot about the pain of leaving her mate and let hatred consume her.

(A/N: This chapter was really painful to write but it shows why Raisa is choosing to pursue hatred rather than happiness. I was listening to the "Banana Fish" end song while writing this—if that means anything. Please vote and comment, I love feedback!)