To the Shadowsinger | Azriel

Chapter 80: Love himself

"Nyx," Azriel placed a heavy hand on the boy's shoulder. He lowered his voice so he wouldn't catch his brother's attention. Rhys could be a wild card when it came to his children, Azriel had found that out the hard way. No one ever said he would make a good babysitter. "Could you take over for Rai? She's staying with Wylla in case she has nightmares."

Nyxous, despite being eleven years old, would go to war for Wylla. Rhys had to restrain his son from leaving when he had found out Wylla left for Vallahan by herself. Nyxous had thrown such a fit, he turned his father's study into mist and didn't calm down until Feyre soothed him. Damn kid was just like his father and didn't hesitate when the ones he loved needed him. The boy's face had gone serious at Azriel's request. He straightened, pecked a kiss on Feyre's cheek, "accidently" hit his brother in the face with his wing, and then tackled Rhys with a hug before racing away without so much of a goodbye to the rest of the inner circle.

"I've lost count of how many times I've wiped the shit from that kid's asscrack and he can't even say good night," Mor snorted.

"As I recall," Cassian threw a pillow that froze in the air at a wave of Mor's hand before it could smack her in the face. "Your nails were too long to change a diaper so you made us do it." His laughter followed his words, which only made Mor laugh as she launched the pillow back at him with a horrifying speed.

"I didn't want to get poop under my nails."

Azriel turned away from the conversation when he felt his shadows vibrate a bright melody. They tickled the length of his arm as Rai entered the study. Her eyes immediately went to him as she leaned against the entryway.

Hello, her lips curled in a greeting.

Why are you so far away? He tilted his head.

She gave him a playful shrug before walking his way. He was leaning against a large desk, barely participating in the discussion but enjoying it nonetheless. It was easy to enjoy these moments without worry plaguing his thoughts. That fear was replaced with a delightful rush caused by the pounding of his heart, his shadows singing great harmonies as they licked her skin, and the hairs on his arms rising as she brushed her hand up his arm and rested it on his shoulder. He would have fed into his growing arousal if it wasn't for the puffiness in her eyes.

"I'm okay," she whispered before he could ask what was wrong. "I'm happy," her face broke out into a smile. It was like storm clouds parting to let the sun shine down on him. Sunlight and warmth he so desperately craved.

He pulled her closer and wrapped her in his arms, not caring that anyone could see. Let them, he had suffered through their gut-twisting displays of affection. The cauldron and the Mother were the only ones who knew just how many times he had to hear Nesta and Cassian clapping cheeks- they eventually bought a home of their own when they found out they were expecting. Nesta wasn't far along, but at least she didn't have to take ten-thousand stairs just to go on a stroll through town.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Azriel's voice lowered an octave as his lips brushed against her temple.

Her green eyes shined like emerald's as she looked up at him, her lips curling in a way that made his cock twitch. Her brow arched, "You're not going to sodomize me, are you?"

He laughed harder than he had ever before, almost as if a donkey possessed him, and even as he buried his face into her shoulder to smother the sound, he still shook. He wanted to say something smooth like only if you want me to, but every time he tried to open his mouth, that damn laugh escaped. Rai was laughing as well, her face just as red as his.

When he was finally able to compose himself, he lifted his head from his mate's shoulder and looked up to see everyone staring at him. His family looked as though they had seen the Weaver rise from the dead and backflip onto the couch. So dramatic, he shook his head at them. But then he thought, has it been so long since he truly laughed? Had he ever laughed like that, from the heart and as though he wasn't broken? No, with Rai in his arms, he didn't feel broken. He couldn't remember the days of complete darkness, his only company being shadows and a scrap of cloth to keep him warm against the dirt floor.

With her, he realized he was whole. But there was something else he was able to realize: he had been whole his entire life. Nothing about him has changed since meeting Rai, she had only shined a light on the pieces of his soul he had always hated and allowed him to recognize those parts for himself. That had been a part of his problem all along, he chose to bury those dark parts of himself which only filled him with insecurity and self-hatred. It was a habit he wanted to break. Rai, she was the same. She was the same and she was able to laugh and smile and return to him without hating herself. He knew she wanted to get better, to love herself as much as he loved her.

For the first time, Azriel realized, he wanted to love himself as well. He knew he could do it, hand-in-hand with his recklessly-brave and persistent mate. He would learn to love himself, or at least like, because he no longer wished to fade into the shadows and leave this world behind. He wanted to live. He wanted to live... the thought nearly knocked the breath out of him. So this is what it's like to be happy?

He didn't have to speak the words out loud, Rai's eyes glittered with his answer.

Yes, this is what it's like to be happy.