Alive ~BokuAka

I lost you [3]

I lost you. In the end this is what it feels like.

I couldn't wait for the week to end. Every hour felt like a whole day and every day felt like a year. I had never been that impatient before, I knew this for sure. I wanted Sunday to arrive, so I could see Akaashi again, so I could talk to him again and maybe he is even feeling better already. What am I even thinking, of course he is. This positive feeling in my chest hadn't disappeared, it had stayed with me all day and all night. I could even sleep again, yet sometimes I still did worry...

Finally my shift was over and I drove to the hospital Akaashi was in. I wanted to spend the night at a hotel and visit him tomorrow morning, just like I did last week. Nothing was wrong with that, thus I did so.

In the morning I ate breakfast and hurried up, so I could see him as soon as possible.

Not long after, I entered the hospital, I walked up to the nurse who was sitting on the desk in front of me and asked her, if Akaashi was still in room 238.

"Akaashi who?"
"A-Akaashi Keiji," I stuttered.

She looked through some medical records and stuff, obviously nervous. I hadn't seen that woman here before, and she looked very young, too, maybe she was new here? Some minutes passed by until she spoke up again, "I'm sorry, but Akaashi Keiji isn't with us anymore."

Why did those words leave her mouth so drily, so emotionlessly? Why couldn't she see the arrow that was slowly piercing through my racing heart? I turned around and started walking to my car. I couldn't hold the tears anymore. I couldn't hold myself from crying and I also couldn't hold the negativ thoughts from making their way into my soul anymore.

I had always been looking forward positively. I had always believed in him, in us, but in the end I think I just closed my eyes, not wanting to see the truth, avoiding the cruel reality and hoping I could live in my fantasies forever.

My fingers touched my lips softly, remembering the feeling of his cold forehead against them. My blood seemed to freeze in my veins at the thought of that moment. I wish I could have followed him anywhere when I still had the chance to because now it obviously is too late.

It felt like a knife cut my heart into pieces, a million small pieces, it shattered me. For the first time in my life I felt like I couldn't stand anymore, I couldn't live, I didn't have the energy to do anything at all, just like a broken battery or something.

I wanted to scream, but my voice was cracking, catching every sound in my throat, not letting anything go. I wanted to breathe, but my lungs weren't able to hold any oxygen, or to take the air in. As if an invisible wire made its way around my neck, I felt strangled.

My chest tightened more and more every minute. My ribbons are squashing my heart, as if chains were wrapped around it.

Why does it hurt like hell? Why am I feeling like I've lost something important to me? Why is this kind of pain overwhelming me that much, when I can't lose something I've never had, I've never held with my own hands and never held in my own arms?

I didn't even have the chance to, no, I did! I did have more than only one chance, but I was so stupid all the time, I hadn't used a single one. I was such a coward all the time, afraid of losing him as my friend, when we could perhaps have been more than that. When you don't take a risk, you can't win, well, that's what I knew, but the fear of losing him was also present, continuously. Still I'd never thought of losing him for eternity. I'd never thought that I could regret my decisions, I'd never thought of serious topics like death. I had always been so happy and confident that I didn't even want to think about the darkness, pain, and the shadows life confronts you eventually with. I just hoped that if I forgot about it, it wouldn't exist, it would disappear and it wouldn't harm me.

I was wrong, totally wrong. But I learnt that only, when it was too late to turn back, when I had an occasion itself showing me that this wasn't right.

–

Three week had went by since I was at the hospital for the last time.

I hadn't eaten, hadn't slept, hadn't showered. I couldn't even go to work, so I told my boss I caught a cold. He believed me and told me to get well soon. Yeah, I wish I could. After the first week my holidays started, but still my everyday life hadn't changed a all. I was sitting in front of the TV, watching some random series I wouldn't even remember the next day, not paying much attention to it at all. I hadn't slept for three whole days. Sometimes my eyelids just drooped for a second or two, still, I didn't want to sleep properly.

The only food I ate was chocolate. Many, many ribbons of chocolate, chips, or in general candy I found in this household. But mostly I didn't eat at all. I didn't have an eating disorder, I just wasn't hungry, I just needed Akaashi. I wanted to be next to Akaashi, something, which was impossible.

All the time I felt lonely, empty, it was an emptiness that couldn't be filled anymore, my heart couldn't be fixed anymore, it was far beyond a simple heartache.

Sometimes the door rang, but I felt too tired to open it. I wasn't even tired, I also wasn't sleepy, I was exhausted, I think I worn my heart out.

I didn't know what was going on around me, I hadn't checked my messages at all, my phone was just laying there, sometimes I looked at it, but I never picked it up. There was just this temptation, or the fear, the apprehension I would scroll through the texts Akaashi had sent me past few months. I would miss him even more, I could live and move on even less.

I closed my eyes again. Every time I did this, my whole body focused on the pain and the ache in my chest, in my stomach and how my legs hurt as if I had run a hundred kilometers, even though I hadn't moved at all past weeks.

I passed out like that, feeling the lack of sleep and how my body craved for its needs. I couldn't open my eyes again, my eyelids felt too heavy, just like the soul in my body, that was determined searching for a sense, for the why, for answers and it wouldn't take a break for a second.

–

The next morning came sooner as I hoped it will. I woke up at 10am, not strong enough to open my eyes and find myself being alone again. I didn't get better, I didn't feel better at all.

I dreamt of him, again. He still was with me in my dreams, every night he was by my side and every morning I woke up, feeling the tears in my eyes when I realized that it was just a dream. He wasn't here and he would never be here again.

But I had the desire to be with him again. I thought about the sleeping pills which were laying on the small table in front of me. I knew that they could bring me to heaven, I knew they could end my life. But Akaashi wouldn't want that, he would stop me if he were still alive. I'm sure Akaashi would be disappointed, yet I couldn't go on like that. I didn't know how long it would take for me until I could look forward again, live my life just like I did before.

Oh dear god, why don't you just take my soul, keep it, please carry me home and let me be with him again. Please, let me breathe again, because he was my gravity, my oxygen.

"Bokuto-san..."

I could still hear his voice, whispering my name so tenderly, as if he still were with me.

But when I open my eyes, when I look around, I will feel that familiar sting in my heart again.

I rub my tired eyes, feeling the tears, but ignoring them as I sit up. I opened them, looking around, just to feel the loneliness again when he-

"Akaashi?"