Alive ~BokuAka

I am still dreaming [4]

"I am still dreaming, right? Akaashi, I can see you, you're sitting right in front of me..."

I pinched my arm, checking if I still was asleep, but I felt that stingy feeling almost immediately. With a shocked expression on his face, he looked at me, his green blue eyes meeting my tearful ones.

Of course he was shocked, I mean how couldn't he be? I probably would be shocked myself if I had to see me like that right now, there was a reason I had been avoiding mirrors for quite some time.

"Akaashi wait for me here, I go shower, I promise I won't take long," I explain, immediately running towards the bathroom, locking myself in there, crying tears of joy and happiness.

He hadn't left me, he hadn't left me at all. The nurse at the hospital probably just wanted to tell me that he had been dismissed, that he had been feeling alright again. I spent all those days and nights crying for nothing, I wish I had just listened to her, maybe she would have told me the whole story. But I was too busy with jumping to conclusions, not even remembering the words she said.

Yet now I got my chance and I won't let him go, not again, never again.

I took a shower quickly, dried myself and put on some fresh clothes. I brushed my teeth, looking at my skinny figure in the mirror. I really lost weight and I looked dehydrated, which I definitely was. But I couldn't care less right now. Akaashi was with me again and this was all that mattered.

I went to the room he was in, currently reading one of my books. He put it aside, facing me.

"You really look terrible," he complained. I had to smile, well, hearing that from the person you loved the most usually wasn't quite delightful, but fortunately I could hear his voice at all.

"I know, I thought you were dead! I couldn't just live my life like nothing ever happened, like I normally did. Every day felt horrible to me. Akaashi, I could never move on. I want to stay by your side and you leaving this world would make me die a thousand deaths. That's what I've realized past weeks."

I hugged him, his arms made their way to my back as he slowly returned the soft embrace.

This was one of the feelings I always saved in my heart, making sure to never forget them. I wanted to remember them even when I was old and when I had to leave this world behind.

People said that when you die, all your memories would flash through your mind, the most important ones, recreating the best moments you had in your whole life. Well, when I die one day, I want almost all of my memories to be with Akaashi. I want to feel his embrace, see his smile, notice his blush and ruffle his hair again, one last time.

He was still cold, like that time I had visited him in the hospital. However, his hands didn't feel lifeless anymore. I could feel it when mine brushed over them lightly. They were so small, and I'm sure they would fit perfectly into mine. Akaashi was a little smaller than me and that only made me want to hug him more, feeling his head against my chest, his tiny frame against my body. But he wasn't even that tiny, he had a well built body, not as muscular as mine but also not really thin.

He was perfect, the definition of perfection. And I couldn't compare him to anyone or anything else.

"Bokuto-san," he interrupted my thoughts, "I know what you had been thinking about before you fully woke up. You were thinking about the sleeping pills and how they could make everything easier, weren't you?"

Curiosity and worry were the two things his expression showed. Normally he had always looked at me the same way, his face had never changed a bit. But now I could see through him, he was opening up to me a little, he stopped hiding his emotions.

Still, this question ashamed me. He got me totally right. I did think about the possibility to ease the pain in that way, sleeping pills helping me a little. I just wasn't able to stay on that earth without him any longer. And perhaps, if he hadn't been there, right in front of my eyes, this morning I would have taken my life, I would have chosen death instead of living like that.

"Yes, I'm sorry, but I was thinking of that option."
"Then, Bokuto-san, could you promise me one thing?"
"Anything, Akaashi," I said. My voice was faint and quiet, also gentle, so I wouldn't disturb that nostalgic moment we shared. It reminded me of the time before he chose to move out with me staying behind.

But I shouldn't think about that too much, I guess I shouldn't think about that anymore at all, because he was here now, with me, and we were hugging each other.

He still smelled like cherry blossoms in the spring, his scent was incomparable to anything else. It was bitter but sweet, strong but mild, it was indescribable.

"Then, Bokuto-san, promise me," he began his sentence, but stopped promptly, careful which words to pick, how to ask for that favor, or for the promise I should make. My hands pet his back to give him the signal that it's okay, I will wait.

That boy has no clue that I'd do anything for him, I would even jump from a bridge if he wanted me to. I would lie for him, I would kill for him, I would die for him.

Yet he wanted me to live for him...

"Promise me, whatever will happen, don't ever think about killing yourself, not even a slight bit. Don't harm yourself or put yourself in a state that would end your life on purpose. Just live. Live for me, Bokuto-san. Whatever will happen to me in the future, I want you to enjoy your life even when I won't be able to be with you one day. Is it okay to ask that from you?"

Shy as always. Akaashi was just like before. But he was closer to me now.

"I promise. But Akaashi," once again I got his attention as soon as I spoke up.

I didn't know if this would change something, maybe things would become awkward between us. But I just had to know the reason he was like, like that to me. So emotional, yes, he was more emotional than ever.

"Can I ask you a question?"
"What is it, Bokuto-san?"
"When you had been in that critical state, I mean when you were unconscious, I visited you and I told you some stuff."

I broke the hug, so I could see his face and his eyes. I was hoping for a small blush and another memory I could make. He looked at me, knowing I wouldn't let him look away or avoid it. I hoped I could see a rosy shimmer on his cheeks, I wanted to see that adorable face go all shy and flustered.

"Do you remember what I told you that day?"

We both went silent. Time stood still, no one was breaking the eye contact. Then he breathed in, found a way to escape my gaze and turned around.

"I understood some words, but not enough I guess. And even if I did understand everything, I don't remember."

Sadly I stare at the ground. A part of me wanted him to hear them, another didn't and was grateful. Again, I didn't know exactly what I wanted and what I wanted him to hear.

"Now, let's go and eat some breakfast. You really look like you need it. And don't worry about me, I already had something," Akaashi told me, giving me this slight smile I really had missed a lot. This smile that filled my heart with joy all over and over again.