Alive ~BokuAka

Closer [6]

Closer. I always pulled him closer. I wanted him to be closer, so I wouldn't be afraid of losing him anymore.

More than two weeks had passed now since Akaashi had payed me that visit and saved me. He often came over, and yesterday he told me he will move in with me again.

I was the happiest man on earth when he said that. I was crying tears filled with joy, I hugged him so tightly, tighter than I had ever hugged him before. My smile hadn't disappeared yet, I was grinning like an idiot the whole day. Even at work I was so excited, I mean not that anyone cared, my boss was in a good mood, too, also my coworkers were happy, but I, I was beaming.

Just like I had been when he told me. "Bokuto-san, are you okay? You're shining that brightly, I think you will hurt my eyes," he had told me, smiling. Not that slight smile he gave me more often now, no, it was a distinct smile, he was clearly smiling.

I made Akaashi smile, I made Akaashi happy. He was happy because of me. Nothing in this world felt that amazing, nothing was comparable to that moment. I just wanted, I wanted to inch closer to him und kiss him until he was running out of breath. 

But well, this was a wish that couldn't be fulfilled. Yet it was okay, I was okay when I just had him around, when he was just next to me, and I was more than okay when I was the reason he smiled. And on top of that, I was one of the few people who could see that smile. I swear I would kill for this smile, I would to anything to see it again.

I think I was falling deeper for that boy than I had planned to. Not that I had ever planned to fall for someone specifically, but I think the time had come, I couldn't deny those butterflies in my chest anymore. Yes, I had butterflies, they filled my whole body, made my skin crawl and they put a bright smile on my face when I saw him.

And then there were also those memories which shot through my mind when I was alone, they weren't letting me sleep all night, they kept me awake and I was just laying there, on my mind was Akaashi, Akaashi, Akaashi. There was only Akaashi, filling my mind all day and all night because these thoughts won't let me have a break. I had to think of him, and I mean that was good I guess, because he made me go all carefree and also that feeling was so euphoric, I never wanted to feel anything else again.

Shit, he really was my light.

"Akaashi, you're and angel, you're an angel to me and you have no idea how happy you make me," I whispered, looking at the ceiling. He wasn't here right now, but I imagined his face as I said those words.

I felt my smile getting bigger and bigger as I turned around, my chest facing the soft mattress I was laying on. I grabbed the bedsheets. My heart was racing, damn it was beating so rapidly fast. If he were here right now, he could hear it from another room, I was sure about that.

I was daydreaming, "Akaashi is so lovely. He is so adorable, so cute and every time he blushes my heart skips a beat," I mumble, hugging my pillow.

"I wish I could tell him... Ugh, I'm too afraid of losing him. Why can't he just read my thoughts or something so I don't have to say it out loud, why can't you, Akaashi?"

So I don't have to say it out loud...

But a part of me wanted to tell him, a part of me wanted to shout it, scream it, tell the whole world how wonderful he was. And that I was totally in love with him.

"I love you, Akaashi. I love you, I love you, I love you," I screamed into my pillow which muted the sounds I made. Still you could understand me, I was pretty sure.

"I have loved you since you played volleyball with me for the first time, I have loved you since you set the ball for me, I love everything about you, everything and I can't," my voice calmed down again, I sat up, feeling some tears on my cheek and feeling my happy expression change, "I can't let you go. I can't stop loving you even though it's impossible for us to be a thing or something like that. I love you, even if you don't love me back. You are the only person I need in my life, you're my oxygen, Akaashi. My everything. My blood, my tears, the reason I am here. I live for you."

More tears started to stream down my face as I say those words so quietly, imagining his reaction if he stood right in front of me and if he heard this right now. He would be speechless, but I don't know wether it would be that positive kind of speechless or the negative one.

Do I want to know at all? Well, one day I'll have to find out because a promise is a promise.

Suddenly I felt a certain warmth from behind me, but I didn't know what exactly it was. I mean yeah, it was cold, I had turned on the heater, but it wasn't behind me. Yet it felt so comfortable and also a little bit familiar. I didn't want to move, I didn't want it to go away again, so I stayed like that, letting this warmth embrace me, feeling my whole body being covered by it shortly after. I closed my eyes, my heart jumped in my chest, it was this comfortable. As if big wings would embrace me, or an invisible blanket, as if someone cuddled me.

Abruptly, my lips started to tickle a little, it felt like a peck or something, it made me giggle. As if a pair of lips had touched mine.

But I knew I was just imagining things again, hoping this would be the way Akaashi would react if I told him. I knew this was, unfortunately, not real, so I didn't make a big deal out of it.

Felt like a hallucination...

All of a sudden I remembered it again. I had heard my mother talk about it once. About some mental problems or something, I couldn't quite remember what she had said back then. Oh god, I couldn't remember at all. Yet I was sure, something just flashed me, it'd crossed my mind so unexpectedly.

In the past I had been feeling so weird, I guess you even could say that I had been hallucinating, noticing something so strongly as if it had been real, though it wasn't. But, but what exactly was it? And was it really like I would describe it? That intense? Or am I just going crazy?

I didn't want to think about it too much, so I decided to just ask my mother next time we had a phone call.