Alive ~BokuAka

I love you [16]

'I love you' was exactly what I wanted to tell him, but how could I say those words out loud now?

"Akaashi, what does it mean? Are you really only one of my hallucinations? I asked you once and you said you were real and not a part of my imagination, yet you- you lied to me."

I stood there, completely clueless, trapped between reality and fantasy.

"No I-"
I didn't give him a chance to answer, "yes you did! H-how could you-" sobs interrupted my words over and over again, I couldn't finish my sentence, my thoughts and not even my words.

"Please, hear me out. I am not just a part of your imagination, nor am I a hallucination. But I also am not here in this world anymore. I'm something like a ghost, I think. I am here to be with you, I am here to protect you I guess, yet all I did was the complete opposite. I wanted to help you live and go on. Bokuto-san, I couldn't just leave you behind, I knew that one time I had to, but I didn't want to see that this time had come already a long time ago.

I could never walk through the tunnel which leads you to paradise, I wanted to, yet I couldn't bare the thoughts of you breaking down because of me and my death. And also I, I never had the chance to thank you and to say goodbye properly."

We could never say goodbye...

And there was something else I couldn't say.

"Akaashi, I have to tell you something," the time had come. Now or never.

But if I tell him now, what would he do? What should he do? Even if he returned my feelings, there was no chance we could live happily together or something. This would hurt him, if I say those words now out loud, we both will be hurt.

Nonetheless I really needed to know how he'd felt about me all the time or how he did now...

And I promised myself that I would use my second chance to tell him about my true feelings, and I'd confess, and I'd say these words out loud. I really wanted to, I did, but this wouldn't change a thing between us now, yet we would have to part ways with a spoken confession and the pain of loving someone who wasn't by your side and could never be anymore.

A promise is a promise, but was this really a second chance?

"W-what is it? Bokuto-san?"

"I... I really like your eyes. They always calmed me down when we had a match for example. I missed the time when we played together in a team. I miss our old team, the good moments and the bad ones. But I'm happy that I can keep them in good memory. So I keep in good memory how you tossed the ball to me, how I was the ace and how we were great together. My last year on Fukuroudani Academy was my best one. So, this is the last chance to say thank you I guess."

A sad smile was on my lips, as I looked him in the eye. He returned my gaze, struggling not to burst into tears.

"Thank you, Akaashi Keiji, for joining the Fukuroudani Volleyball Club and for being the best setter an ace could imagine. Thank you for helping me when I was in emo-mode. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for," I had to wipe my tears away, so I could see him again clearly after my sight got too blurry,

"Thank you for coming into my life," I ended the sentence.

What was happening? Why did fate tear us apart like this? Why did god let me suffocate in the pain? And why didn't it get better? Why couldn't I wake up from the nightmare I was caught in? Why couldn't it be a dream? A simple dream, why couldn't I wake up in the morning, lying in bed next to Akaashi?

Because this was life and not the paradise. On this earth everybody has to carry his burden and this was mine.

"Look outside, Akaashi. It's snowing, It started to snow."

I turned to the window and started to walk towards it slowly, admiring how small snowflakes danced through the air until they landed on the ground.

"Yes, it really is a beautiful sight. I wish I could have witnessed another winter, I wish I could call you on Christmas and hear you screaming a loud and joyful 'AKAASHIIIII' through the phone. I wish we could meet up once again and play volleyball once again. Yet god had other plans for us," he whispered the last part, but I understood it clearly.

I would love to do all of those things only one more time if I had the chance to.

We shared a moment of silence, no one was interrupting that. We both looked out of the window and let our tears fall.

"You know," suddenly Akaashi spoke up. "I've never left your side. All these three weeks when you couldn't do anything but lie there in bed and stare at the ceiling, I was with you. I wanted to give you the strength to go on, yet I couldn't. And one day you just, you just saw me how I sat there. I felt like someone brought me back to life first, none of it made sense to me. But I guess also this was kinda because of your hallucinations. I think that's the reason you could see me all the time.

Not all the time, I learnt to hide, too. But even when you thought I was at home, packing my stuff, or when you thought I was asleep, I have always been with you, until now."

I looked through the room, my eyes stopped at the medicine. If I take it now, Akaashi will forever go away and his soul will be free.

Of course I wanted him to be free, but on the other hand I didn't want to fall asleep and know that I'll never see his face like that again.

"What if I don't take them?" I asked and looked at the pills. Akaashi also turned around and responded, "then you won't be cured from your hallucinations. You would have to see them again tonight."

"But tell me, would I also be able to see you tonight?"

"Probably..."

"Then," I stopped and looked at him, "I won't take them. I'm fine with pale figures and shadows and panic attacks, as long as it means I still can see you."

I smiled at him, told him that with a joking tone. Yet I was serious and this was the whole truth. I would die to see him live.

"That's not an option, Bokuto-san. One day we will have to part ways, sooner or later. But you have to get rid of your hallucinations, even if that means you will also get rid of me."

Get rid of him, that sounded so, so mean. As if his presence would be something bad. Suddenly I felt cold hands on my back and arms wrapped around me. He hugged me slightly and quietly, so I hugged back. I knew this would be the last hug we shared.

"Do you still remember the promise you gave me the first day you saw me," he asked, his voice was so tender.

I hesitated. Not because I didn't remember, I remembered it pretty well, I just thought of all the joy and happiness I felt that day.

"Yes."

"Make sure to keep it."

"I will."

We stood there for a while, no more words needed to be spoken.

"It's getting late, Bokuto-san."

He was right.

"You should go to sleep now."

Again, he was right. I should. And I knew what I had to do now, so I walked over to my medicine and took out two pills. My hand shivered slightly as my eyes were so focused on those small objects, they will destroy me because they will heal me...

Yet I felt his cold hand on the back of mine, comforting me, telling me it was okay, so I brought my hand to my mouth and closed my eyes tightly, saving the last images of Akaashi deep within my soul.

~End of Bokuto's POV~