Alive ~BokuAka

Finally [14]

Finally I could see the end of all of this. Yet the end affected more than hallucinations. I was tripped between heaven and hell.

It was quarter past 4 o'clock. I was sitting in the waiting room for 20 minutes now. I was on the phone all the time, checking some messages.

I noticed that Akaashi's contact wasn't saved anymore. I could still see all the text we had sent back then, a while ago, but when I texted him now, my messages weren't even delivered anymore. Did he change his phone number? Why wouldn't he tell me if he did so?

No, this wasn't the case. I already felt it back then. But I still couldn't accept it.

"Bokuto Koutarou," a medical assistant called me, "please come with me to room number 2."

I nodded and followed her to said room. She told me where to sit down and I did so. After a minute or two, the doctor, an elder man, about 50 years I guess, entered the room. He greeted me friendly and sat down on the other side of the desk. He looked at me and started to type some things into his computer. It was very quiet in the room, I didn't dare to speak, he was pretty focused and concentrated, so I just watched his fingers as they flitted across the keyboard quickly.

I looked around a bit. The room was quite simple. The walls were painted in a warm white, some pictures of flowers or landscapes were hanging there. Yet this was the only color in that room. Everything else was white. White chairs, white desk, a white computer. It was boring, yet plain. Just like you could imagine the office of a doctor.

"Now, Bokuto, we already know each other. You've been here when you were little because of hallucinations, weren't you?" He spoke up, gaining my whole attention.

"Yes, I was. And that's the reason I'm here today, again."

He looked at the screen for some seconds, until he turned his head to me again.

"You talked to a nurse about it already, I see..."

He paused for a bit and then asked me to explain everything to him, how it started and about my current condition.

"So, two or three weeks ago, I started to get a strange feeling whenever I was alone. It felt like someone was next to me, hugging me and stuff like that. It was comforting at first, I didn't mind, I really didn't. But I knew this wasn't normal, so I called my mom and told her about it. She said to me that when I was a child, I had always imagined a friend by my side, I had seen a person, yet there was no one. She told me to see you because you had already helped me once."

I got my phone out and showed him the picture, my mom had sent me some weeks ago. It showed the pills I had taken back then.

The doctor nodded and typed something on his keyboard again, then he asked me to continue.

"After some days it got worse. I started to have more hallucinations, seeing shadows on the floor when nobody was with me. Well, I had more of those hallucinations, yet I could tell what was real and what wasn't. Until a week ago. Then everything changed again. Every night I see a pale figure in the darkness, watching me. Sometimes it's even moving towards me, yet it never harmed me. I could only see that thing, mostly. I never heard it saying something. And it never touched me."

"Have you had panic attacks because of that?"

"Yeah, several."

He gave me a nod and his fingers started typing again, when he asked me, "do you also hear voices when you are alone? And can you tell if they are really there?"

"I do hear them, not quite often but sometimes. And mostly I can tell if they are hallucinations or not. But once I heard my doorbell ring when it wasn't. This was the exception."

"Okay. Do you have the feeling of being followed when you're alone? I mean in terms of paranoia."

"No, I don't."

"How are you feeling at home, or at work, how are you feeling in general?"

I thought for a second, the answered, "Besides the hallucinations, I would say that I'm fine. I couldn't go to work past days, my roommate thought it would be better to wait until I've visited the doctor. He cared for me a lot past weeks, and when he's with me, I don't need to be afraid. He makes me very happy, and I'm lucky to have him."

"It's good to have someone in such a situation, I understand that," he gave me a sad smile and continued with his questions, "have you been avoiding crowds or public places during the last weeks?"

"No, I don't have a problem with that."

He nodded and spent the next minutes typing.

Then we made some tests. I had to wait, again. And I got called by a nurse and went back to the room, again.

The doctor gave me another small smile and focused on his computer, just like before, while I was sitting there.

After studying the screen, reading what he wrote I guess, he turned around and looked at me.

"You don't need to worry. I can exclude schizophrenia. You have simple hallucinations, probably triggered by a trauma, maybe you had a serious shock, maybe you lost someone who was very important to you. Could also be both, but you can be helped. I think those hallucinations had also been triggered the first time you visited me, it was because of a shock back then. Some people have the tendency to see things that aren't real, when their body is too stressed out for example. You are one of them, so just try to relax next weeks and don't push yourself."

He paused again, writing something down on a small piece of paper.

"Here, this is the prescription for the medicine. Take two pills in the evenings, if it doesn't get better, you should call me again. But it will. Also it will make you very tired, so the lack of sleep won't be a problem anymore."

I felt the burden on my shoulders fade away, freeing me from it. The air, that's was stuck in my lungs, could be released.

Everything will be fine. I will be okay again. I'll get my cure. Akaashi won't need to worry anymore.

Those sentences flew through my mind like little birds did in the sky. It felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel, like a sunrise after a long night, filling the darkness with colors, making a new day begin.

Tomorrow I will tell Akaashi. Why should I wait? I could tell him tonight, when I arrive at home I will tell Akaashi that I love him, I love him like I had never loved someone before.

Yet every sunrise brings a sunset with it, and every day has its night.

I just didn't know...