Alive ~BokuAka

Akaashi [13]

Akaashi was here. He was with me, he held my hand, distracted me and protected me.

Tomorrow I will be free. That's what he told me before. This would be the last night I had to fight against my hallucinations, I had to go through, knowing there would be a lack of sleep tomorrow and I could barely keep my eyes open all day.

Akaashi was laying next to me, his back was facing me. He was already asleep I guess.

I looked at the back of his head, his black hair were glistening in the moonlight.

This night no clouds were in the sky, this night was bringing some dull light into my gloomy room. At least that made it less scary and of course the slightly smaller person next to me definitely did so, too.

I slowly brought my hand up to his head, my fingers grazed his fluffy hair, backing off immediately at the light touch. When I saw that there was no reaction coming from him, I let it move closer again and stroke his neck. He wasn't really cold, yet he also wasn't warm so I moved closer, wrapping the blankets tightly around us, until he suddenly turned around and gave me a small smile, I barely noticed this gesture because the light in here was so faint.

"Can't sleep?" he asked and I shook my head as a reply.

He was so beautiful when he was laying there, doing nothing, just staring at me with those half lidded eyes. I knew I needed to tell him soon, I wanted to tell him now. I promised myself I would tell him when I had the chance to, now the time had arrived, yet I couldn't. There was something blocking me from doing so. Also, he was very stressed out because of me already, I didn't want to bother him with my feelings additionally.

"Akaashi?"

"Yes?"

"When I take the medicine and when everything is normal again I need to tell you something very important. Could you maybe, I don't know, remind me of it?"

I heard him swallow, he stayed silent for a bit, yet then he looked me in the eye as if he exactly knew what I wanted to tell him. And he... he smiled. As if he also wanted to tell me something important.

Or was it just my hope, I still couldn't give up those thoughts of him feeling the same.

"I hope I can, Bokuto-san. But I'm sure you will remember, won't you?"

"I think I will."

That was the truth. And then, then I could finally get my feelings off of my chest. I wanted and I needed to tell him how much I loved him and that he was the most wonderful person in my life. I couldn't even breathe without him. I would keep that promise, I would never make the same mistake twice.

"I need to ask something else from you," I whisper to him. He gave me a nod, signaling me I had his full attention.

"Could you maybe also come with me tomorrow?" I wanted to ask that question for a while now. I wasn't afraid of going to the doctor or something like that, and the car ride was also not the problem. Well, to be honest, there was no problem at all, I was just longing for his company. Past few day I was around him all the time, I'm sure I would miss him even if we were only separated for some hours.

"I'm sorry, Bokuto-san, but I think I can't fulfill that wish of yours. My mom wants to call me tomorrow afternoon, so I would like to stay at home. But if you need my help, I will-"

"No Akaashi, don't worry," I reassured him, "I can do it. You know, the car ride won't be that long, so I can make it easily. I will call you, if I really need help. But I don't think so, really."

He nodded and then looked at me again. I didn't know if that was one of my hallucinations again or if it really happened, yet his eyes sparkled. There were a thousand small, shiny lights in it, telling me I could do it, I would stay safe, I would be normal again, I would find my cure. And, thanks to him, I believed those eyes. I believed Akaashi, and when Akaashi told me that my hallucination will go away soon, then it meant they really would go away soon. When Akaashi told me I didn't need to worry, then I wouldn't worry. When Akaashi told me that none of them were real, the none of them were really standing there. He was the reason I could open my eyes and close them. He was the reason I could breathe in and breathe out.

He was my reason to be alive.

Alive in a world that was made out of disaster, sorrow and tragedy, where the only colors you can see are black and white, where the people destroy themselves to erase their own heartache, where we watch the others bleed, not even thinking about helping them, too afraid to end up like them ourself, in this cruel, eternally cruel world god had sent me an angel which brought light into the dark, emotions into my heart and the most vivid colors into my life.

This angel was Akaashi. He was the perfection to my imperfection.

He had always been different, as if he was from another world. Also back then he had been different from the other volleyball members, even if I hadn't known him, I surely could tell by his looks. And I had always felt different about him. He was so much different, different than the others at our school, in our team, just different from all the other boys.

He was cute, yet he didn't know, even though he had always known so much.

He was beautiful, and I told him, yet he just hid his face and shrugged it off.

He was quiet, yet he made my heart pound so loudly. Too many times I had been afraid he could hear it. And too many times I couldn't tell him the truth...

"Why don't we try to sleep now, Bokuto-san. Tomorrow will be the day, everything will be like it should be again. You mustn't be tired on that day, so lets sleep now, okay?"

Caring. He sounded so caring.

This was the voice I wanted to hear every morning when I wake up and every evening when I go back to sleep again.

"You're right, Akaashi. Sleep well."

"Sleep well, too, Bokuto-san."

I could sleep. I knew I could. So I just closed my eyes and let myself drown into a dreamworld full of owls, summer nights, flowers and a dreamworld where I can be with Akaashi and maybe even hold his hand...