Alive ~BokuAka

I thought I saw the devil [12]

I thought I saw the devil today. Horrible figures were appearing right next to me, grinning at me, destroying me.

I couldn't go to work today. And I probably also wouldn't be able to go tomorrow. I just laid there in bed, Akaashi was with me, bringing me some tea at the moment. He really cared for me, and I guess he also cared about me, didn't he?

He did, he gave me his smiles, patted my back and he made them go away. He made the monsters go away.

I felt like a five year old, being afraid all night that there could be a monster under my bed, not being able to look there because I knew I would see it, wether there really was one or not didn't matter anymore. Fact is that my hallucinations got worse the more I thought of it.

In three days I will see the doctor. He will give me pills. I will take them. This will be the last day I had to face the pale figure in the corner of my room.

It was watching me right now. I didn't look at it, yet I could tell it was standing there, not moving at all, waiting for me to turn around so it could make eye contact. I just waited for Akaashi to come back. I couldn't do anything else, what should I do? I hoped if those monsters didn't know that I noticed them, saw them, they wouldn't come near me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

The doctor told me I might develop schizophrenia. I didn't want to hear that, I didn't want to hear how someone thought about the same thing I did. I was afraid of this mental disorder, but I was even more afraid that I might be affected by it. I had thought about that even before he told me and I just hoped that this would never come true. I wanted them to be simple hallucinations, I didn't want it to get worse, didn't want to be diagnosed with a mental illness. I knew that schizophrenia also meant you became paranoid, unpowered and unable to feel something. But the part that scared me most was to not be able to control yourself and what you're doing anymore. I was scared, I was frightened, I didn't want to end up like that, so I didn't want to hear about schizophrenia anymore. I didn't want to hear about my pseudo-hallucinations and my normal hallucinations anymore, and that my state became worse again and that I was sick.

Yeah, I was sick, even though Akaashi didn't want to say it out loud. I was sick, I needed to be healed, I needed a cure.

The weather was freezing, bringing a wintry feeling into the warm house. It didn't snow, it didn't rain, there was just nothing. Nothing besides white clouds in the sky, extending endlessly. There was no way to see through the clouds, there was no blue, no sun, there only was this white, bright color.

It moved. The figure moved a bit towards me. Although I didn't look at it directly, I saw it out of the corner of my eye. I could feel it, how it moved I mean, yet I didn't hear it.

Sometimes I didn't hear anything at all. It felt like I was drowning in a peaceful ocean, letting go completely, I couldn't see, hear, smell something, my senses didn't work properly anymore. I felt surrounded by the cold water, as if it was swallowing me, eating me up. I felt like I wasn't here anymore, but in a different world, in a different universe. It was terrifying me, yet at the same time it was soothing. I could relax and just concentrate on sinking down for a bit, letting the reassuring feeling overwhelm me totally.

I couldn't sleep much, but when I did, I often dreamt about this, about drowning, being somewhere else...

How long would Akaashi take? No, the better question was: Why did it take so long for him to make tea? Why didn't he come back.

I wanted to stand up and look for him, but I couldn't. My body felt too lazy, or was it paralyzed? Sometimes I couldn't tell anymore.

I felt its presence behind me. I didn't want to turn around, but another part of me actually wanted to turn around. I couldn't move, yet I wanted to stand up and run, forget everything, anything and just start to run. Run to Akaashi, run to him and tell him I saw it again, that was exactly what I told myself to do, nevertheless my legs didn't even twitch a bit, I couldn't feel my muscles anymore, I couldn't feel my legs anymore.

I swallowed hardly, dry air was enclosing me. I knew I had goosebumps on my arms and on my neck. I knew that I shivered slightly. I knew I had to run now or I would see something I had never dreamt of, I'd see something unbelievable horrible, something hideous, a disgusting creature. And all I wanted was to see nothing. I'd rather be blind, no, I'd rather die than turn around, and yet I did it.

Black eyes stared at me, eyed me up. It stood about ten centimeters away from me. It wasn't moving, neither was I. It was taller, a lot taller than me and it was extremely thin. It looked cadaverous, loathsome. Its skin was painted in a very dark grey shade, almost black, it reminded me of a simple shadow, yet I could still see the features of a human, although it wasn't human at all. And the way it was looking at me made me wanna vomit, throw up.

Suddenly the blood rushed through my veins, my instincts kicked in again. I started to scream, I started to scream uncontrollably at it and closed my eyes tightly. I lashed out, didn't hold back, I started crying and sobs left my mouth, mixed with my shouts. The tears streamed down my face not even a second later. I couldn't handle it anymore, I couldn't handle anything anymore, I just screamed and screamed, I needed help, I needed someone to save me.

I felt cold hands on me, I thought the figure would have laid its fingers on me, but instead of being strangled, like I imagined, they caressed my cheek and held me tightly. A comforting voice brought me back into reality and made me calm down.

It took fifteen minutes until I could breathe in a normal pace again, until I completely stopped sobbing and shivering.

"Shh, Bokuto-san. Everything is fine now. You are fine now. I'm here now. Calm down," and more words didn't need to be spoken. I did what he said. My body calmed down.

"Three days, only three days until you're free."