Alive ~BokuAka

How did my heart shatter [15]

How did my heart shatter into a million small pieces? And when exactly did it happen? I had no answer to the question I asked so often. I was hoping for a miracle to fix it, yet this miracle never came.

"Akaashi, I'm home! I went to the pharmacy and they- Akaashi? What's wrong?"

His expression was filled with sadness as he made his way to me.

"I-I..." he tried to speak, but he couldn't. He opened his mouth, yet closed it again. I was more than shocked, I had never seen him like that in my entire life. He looked so vulnerable, fragile. It was a sight I couldn't bare, I couldn't see him like that and I never ever wanted to see him so shaken and broken again.

All of a sudden he broke down, my chest was clenching as I ran towards him. Tears streamed down his face like a river. He sobbed heavily, bit his lips, cried like he had never cried before. Several teardrops hit the ground, I kneeled down next to him and wiped them away, yet they never found an end.

I started to calm him down, holding him tightly and sensed how he pressed his head against my chest and leaned into the touch. His hands clenched on my shirt so tensely, there was a possibility he could rip it, he could tear it apart easily.

"Hey Akaashi, it's fine, shhhh, sit down, I will make you some tea, okay? Just, just calm down. Everything will be fine," I reassured him.

He sighed. I knew he didn't believe me, he didn't believe me at all. He knew better than me. Nothing will be fine.

Still he sat down on the sofa and tried to get his unaffected expression again. But every time he found it, a small sob would escape his lips and ruin it.

I went to the kitchen, made us tea. I saw some creepy shadows there, yet I ignored them. I didn't care anymore. I wanted Akaashi to feel alright again, I didn't want anything else more than that.

It was raining. Only slightly, yet I could see how some raindrops ran down the window. Today had been a chilly day. It was winter, of course it was chilly outside. But I also felt cold on the inside.

I made my way back to my already calm Akaashi. I placed the cup of tea on the small table in front of the couch, then I sat down next to him. I hugged him, my arms were wrapped around him as I pulled him closer to me. I waited some minutes, silence was filling the room, and I just sat there and waited for him to speak up. He should take his time, all the time he needed. I didn't want to make him feel like I'd force him to explain or something because I would never. I wanted to know, needless to say I did, but I wanted even more to make him feel comfortable.

"I've lied to you, Bokuto-san. And I am so sorry."

"W-what do you mean?"

"I've lied to you, all the time. I didn't want to hurt you, so I hid the truth until I couldn't hide it anymore, until my walls broke down. But in the end there is no other way, I have to hurt you. I'm sorry, it will hurt even more now."

I didn't understand, not one single words he said. It just didn't make any sense to me, so I waited for him to explain.

His gaze wandered across the room, stopping at the window in front of him. He started crying while watching the heavy raindrops falling to the cold ground. I heard his quiet sobs again, his head was resting on my shoulder. He rubbed his red, puffy eyes. They were swollen already.

I think Akaashi really wasn't used to crying. He never showed sadness, nor could I see if he was happy. Yet now, now he cried as if he had suppressed his feelings all the time, as if he needed some relief, he needed to set them free, let them all out, something he had never done before. And I was the person he trusted so much. I was the one who could comfort him now, my shoulder was his shoulder to cry on. Of course I was worried, of course I didn't want to see him like that, but I guess it also made me feel honored and it showed me that I was able to help him, be there for him, just like he was there for me. He was my anchor and my savior, and I aimed to be the same for him.

"Bokuto-san, one day before you visited me in the hospital, I had an accident. Another car crashed mine that day really badly. I couldn't see anything anymore, My vision became black and I felt blood running down my forehead. My arms and legs hurt so much, I couldn't breathe properly because some of my ribbons broke and crashed my right lung. It didn't take long for me to lack oxygen and pass out.

I found myself in the hospital again. You can't say I woke up there, because I didn't. I was in a comatose condition, yet I could feel my surroundings and I could hear what the people around me said. I just couldn't open my eyes, I couldn't move at all. Nurses stormed in, checking on me all time, you could say they did everything to keep me alive. So often I heard the words 'he won't make it' or 'it's just a matter of time until he dies'. And then another person came in. That person told me I will make it, and I will stay with him. This man didn't want me to leave, it felt like he couldn't handle it if I wasn't here anymore.

Said person was you, Bokuto-san. You were the one who came to me after we hadn't seen each other for 3 months. You told me how happy I made you back then, you told me so much and I heard it and it made me feel warm, it made me concentrate on you and forget about the pain for a while.

I wanted to stay with you, I wanted to thank you when I will be able to speak again. I knew I needed to stay by your side. Nonetheless, looks like my will wasn't enough to keep me in this world.

After your visit, I felt heavier than before, I couldn't feel my senses any longer and I knew that this was the moment my lungs, my brain and my heart stopped working. But on my mind had never been something else than you, your face, your smile and the past we had together. All those pictures of you, I took them with me to death."

The blankets around me kept me warm, but still I felt so cold right now.

A stingy sensation on my face told me that there were tears rolling down on my cheek, again.

And this is how they took away the happiness that filled my heart. I felt empty, again.

There were too many questions, yet there was also too much sorrow. I felt too much pain, I was too troubled, yet at the same time I felt too numb to feel a thing.

"But as you can see, I am still here. Bokuto-san, I know it's too late now, I should have told you sooner, but I couldn't. When I saw you that happy and when you said you couldn't leave me, you never could, it made my heart ache and sink a little in my chest, yet at the same time I felt happy and needed.

And now look at the mess I made. You're seeing monsters all night, can't sleep well, can't go to work, this is all my fault. I guess I was the one who triggered you hallucinations, I made you see those things, I made you feel like that. But I swear, I only wanted to protect you."

His voice cracked. He was crying again, or had he stopped at all?

I couldn't believe him, no, I just didn't want to believe him. The ache in my body was unbearable, I wanted it to stop bleeding, why didn't those wounds stop bleeding? Why didn't it stop hurting?

"You can't believe me, can you?"

I shook my head, so he continued while pointing to the old volleyball in the corner of my room. It had been laying there for some years I think. It reminded me of the wonderful time me and my team had had back then, but now I didn't use it anymore. I hadn't used it for a while.

"Toss me the ball and I'll toss you back."

I was confused, why did he want to do this when he couldn't play because of his finger? Even thought I asked myself that, I knew that his finger didn't hurt. It was a lie, but I insisted to believe this lie.

I stood up and took the ball in my hands. There wasn't enough air in it, so it seemed floppy. This was the reason why my toss was miserable, yet at least I hit the ball in the right way and it flew towards him.

He stood there, ready to toss the ball back to me, but instead of rebounding on his fingers, the ball flew through him, as if there was no one, or nothing but air, as if he was a ghost or just...

...or just another hallucination.