Alive ~BokuAka

The truth [9]

The truth hurt. It had hurt me so many times already and none of them would be the last.

One month was left until I had my appointment with the doctor. This was the earliest meeting I could get. A damn month.

I mean I could understand him, yes, I did understand it, there were patients who had to deal with much bigger problems than just a slight feeling that overcame them once or twice a day when they were alone. I still did notice this, every single day. Just like a stranger who was walking next to me, who sat by my side, except this wasn't a stranger at all. It felt like there was a real person I had known for a very long time but I couldn't remember them. I couldn't see them, couldn't hear them, couldn't smell them, yet I could feel them next to me sometimes. And when I felt bad, insecure or just had my worries again, they helped me calm myself down a bit. They were with me and that was enough.

Nevertheless I often felt guilty when I had to look Akaashi in the eye. He didn't deserve that, a lie. Smart as he was, he noticed my strange behavior in some situations quickly. I wasn't good at hiding, too, so I guess he could figure out that something was off effortlessly. But what should I tell him? How should I tell him? I was afraid that he could be scared, think I'm weird, think I'm... sick.

So that's why I spent the last nights thinking about the best and worst scenarios, while he was sleeping in his room peacefully.

"Bokuto-san, good morning," my thoughts got interrupted by his sweet voice, bringing a small smile on my lips.

"Akaashi, good morning to you, too. Are you hungry? I can make breakfast for you," the enthusiasm in my voice was hard to miss. His cute face lit up my morning, just like the sun did which was shining through the window, warming up the air a bit. For a normally cold November, today was very warm and sunny, there were almost no clouds in the sky at all, bringing some light into the darkness which surrounded us the whole month.

"Oh, I have eaten something already, I woke up pretty early today."

He always woke up early, earlier than me, now, when I thought about it, I noticed that we never had breakfast together, nor did we have dinner or ate together at all. Well, this isn't weird or kind of strange because we both were busy and had different schedules. Also I had to go to work and sometimes I made it home pretty late.

Yet today was Sunday, I could spent all my time with Akaashi. And today I will tell him what had been up with me past days, so I could look at him again without the familiar wave of guilt washing over me, kicking me in my guts, telling me I'm a coward, not even trusting my best friend who was with me for years and won't leave my side. Yet also that small piece of anxiety rose up in my chest and thought this would be the perfect time to shine.

But this had to end soon. I couldn't let myself endure that emptiness I was feeling when I had to lie to him anymore, it made me feel distressed, maybe even depressed, but especially it made me suffer.

"What a nice day, look outside, it's pretty warm for a November day. Soon December will start," Akaashi mumbled, looking out of the window and I was sure I could see his expression change to a sad and thoughtful one.

Akaashi had never shown his emotions, particularly not when something was making him worry. He was good at pretending when it came to something like that. On one hand, sometimes his behavior made him seem cold and uninterested. But on the other hand it made him look less vulnerable and astonishingly strong.

All of a sudden, an idea overcame me and I could feel myself light up with joy.

"Akaashi, let's play volleyball. You and me, just like in good old times."

Volleyball. Why the hell haven't I thought of volleyball yet?

"I'm sorry, Bokuto-san, but as much as I want to, I can't."

And my smile disappeared again, as fast as it popped up.

"Why?"
"I-I haven't told you yet, but when I had the accident I broke two of my fingers. I'm fine now, they don't hurt anymore, but I shouldn't play for the next weeks, that's what the doctor said. First he needs to check if they are still okay and my next check up, well," it seemed like he was looking for the right words from that moment on, so I interrupted him quickly, telling him it was fine and he didn't need to worry. We still have time, it's okay if we play together another day. And he made this promise to me. As soon as possible, he will toss me again.

Deep down I had the feeling that this time he was the one who lied to me, but I was just overthinking for sure, no need to worry, Koutarou. Also a bandage had been wrapped around his fingers after the accident, I just didn't want to ask him, I always wanted to avoid the topic...

Maybe I just couldn't look reality right in the eye and face the shadows and darkness it brings with.

Truth, lies, I shouldn't care right now, as long as there was still something I needed to get off of my own chest. He will open up, when the time has arrived.

"Akaashi, I need to tell you something. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you sooner, not even when you asked me about it, but I just couldn't bring it up. I was scared, okay?"

"W-what is it, Bokuto-san? I won't tell anyone," he assured me, speaking those words so softly, comforting me in any way.

"I know that, but I was afraid what you will think about me. And also I think I was afraid of speaking it out, those words. There are those feelings I have, feelings I get when I'm alone and they aren't normal." He just nodded slowly, giving me some time and waited patiently, even if I was procrastinating.

"I think I have hallucinations, I can feel someone standing next to me, yet I can't see anybody. I called my mom because of that and she told me that there was such a case in the past. When I was a child, I had strong hallucinations. But we went to a doctor together and he gave me some medicine. My mental illness just disappeared after that, it was working perfectly, those pills just made me very sleepy, so I had to take them in the evenings. But well, after that I had never had any hallucinations again, or at least we thought so, until they came back."

Akaashi stood there, speechless, then he cleared his throat, looking for the right words.

"B-Bokuto-san, I-I'm so sorry I didn't mean to- to- to invade your personal space."

"Oh no, don't worry, you didn't. Actually it really felt good to talk about it, better than I had imagined. I'm glad this burden is off of my shoulders now."

Akaashi was still completely shocked. He couldn't move a limb, he did not only look worried, he also looked very strained, as if he was thinking about something so concentratedly, it could make his head ache.

"Hey, Akaashi, there's no need to worry for you. I will see a doctor in a month or so, and that feeling is not even bad, it's the opposite, I like it to be honest. It just isn't normal, so I have to do something against it and those slight hallucinations could trigger my brain and stuff. But the doctor will give me the medicine and everything will go back to normal again."

And the look on his face right now scared me to death.

His eyes told me that he kept up an act all the time and his walls would fall down too soon, he couldn't save them, he couldn't save himself anymore. He wanted to explain something, but the words were too suffocating, so nothing could come out, not anything at all, his mouth kept shut. He was panicking on the inside, not knowing what to do. This whole story, his eyes told me this whole story within not even half of a second.

No. I was hallucinating. I was seeing things which weren't real. Not even a single bit. Because when I looked away and back to him again, his eyes only told me one thing. He cared for me. He was here and he cared for me a lot.