Rose Colored Glasses

Chapter 40

*ATHULE*

It's been a week now since Thabo was laid to rest and in all honesty I’m not coping. I wake up everyday and do everything I probably should be doing, I eat because I have to and not because I want to. Life is moving on, time is moving but I feel stuck in one place. My life is a loop of the same series of events day in and night. I can't get the image of him laying in that casket out of my mind. Sometimes I wake up wanting to end it all, I wake up wanting to drink myself into a coma but I always think against it, I could never bring myself to kill his child. At this point I’m living for this child growing inside of me. Asante told me to take as much time off as I needed, she said I needed to atleast grieve for as long as I needed so that when I come back to work I was in the right head space but I’m not and I don’t think I’ll ever be in the right headspace.

Mimi has been watching over me and she always sends the complex security to come and check up on me everytime when I don’t answer her calls. Musa hasn’t stopped calling me for some reason. Thabo’s sister and I are close, I guess she’s trying to be involved as much as she can for the sake of her brother’s child.

It's Friday and Imi left for work, she told she wouldn’t be coming back home as she is going to her boyfriend’s mother’s house for the weekend though she will send someone over to come and keep me company until she returns. My parents call me everyday, some days I answer their calls and some days I don’t. I can't seem to understand why they kept Thabo’s death away from me, they were supposed to tell me and not keep it from me.

I’m sitting watching tv or rather the tv is watching me, wallowing in my depression when there’s a knock on the door, I look at the time and it's past 6pm. It's probably security because my phone is in the room and I am sitting on this couch with Thabo’s phone going through his gallery, watching the videos he took of me and video’s of us. He’s gone but the wound is way too fresh. Doing this to myself is not helping at all because it feels like I’m rubbing salt on the wound. I pause the video and drag myself to open the door.

I pull the handle and Musa stands on the other side of the door, he looks like a mess himself. I stare at him.

“may I come in?” he says and I shake my head no and push the door in his face but he pushes back

“Athule please. I just want to see you, make sure that you’re ok” he pleads, I open the door holding open.

“I’m fine, now leave” I say pushing the door again but he still doesn’t allow me to close it fully.

“Athule please. Please just let me in” he pleads, I look at him for a while and then I unlock the security gate letting him in.

He closes the security gate behind him and then he turns to me and cups my cheeks and looks at me as if searching for something.

“I’m so sorry Athule” he says.

“I didn’t lose the child, why are you apologising?” I ask him.

“You almost lost the child because of me a… I’m sorry about Thabo” he says and I chuckle getting out of his hold.

“It's not like you not happy he’s gone. You must be excited he’s gone because then it means you don’t have to compete with him anymore” I say walking to my room but he grabs my arm.

“Let go of me” I grit angrily as emotions suddenly overwhelm me again. “Just leave Musa. Pleas…” he doesn’t allow me to finish when he smashes his lips onto mine, I can taste the liquor on his lips. I push him off of me and then slap him.

“Get out!” I yell at him.

“Let me take the pain the away Athule please” he pleads walking closer to me, I move back shaking my head no.