Rose Colored Glasses

Chapter 39

A FEW DAYS LATER - FUNERAL

*ATHULE*
It took me a while to register what Thabo’s mom meant when she said Thabo was gone and even so, I still haven’t come to terms with his death. I keep expecting him to call me or send me an annoying meme or text or something, I even call him with hopes his phone will be answered in that annoying tone he always used on me on some “Nodoli wam omhle”. It all feels so surreal, like a bad dream I’ll wake up from but I haven’t been so fortunate to wake up just yet, the nightmare has been reoccurring from since the day his mother told me.

I’m probably in denial or what but my mind, body, heart, spirit and all refuse to accept that he’s gone. Surely him telling me he loved me was not the last time I ever saw him? God wouldn’t do this to me, to my child. Nodoli needs her father!

His family and mine have been very supportive, walking on egg shells around me but constantly there for me. We slept at his parents house, there was a memorial service last night as his body would be arriving today at 4am. We would be allowed to see his body, I don’t know if I can, I don’t know if I want to.
“Athule lets go” Mimi says beside me, I look at her blankly but stand up anyway and then we walk over to his open casket.
My hands are shaking as we get closer to his casket, only his family and close friends would be allowed to view his body. Everyone else was able to view his body and I didn’t miss the sobs and cries that came from them after seeing him, I don’t know if I’ll be able to see him, I don’t know if I want this sight of him to be stuck with me for good. We walk closer and I stop in my tracks, Mimi looks at me.

“It's ok if you don’t want to do this” she says brushing my hand. I look at her not saying anything and then move again. We step beside the casket and there he lays peacefully, he looks like he’s sleeping and will wake up and kiss me all over my face and even lick my cheek just because he can.

“Athule?” Mimi says shaking me and then I raise my eyes to look at her, “We should go and wash now” she says but I don’t move just staring at him not saying anything. Even seeing his body before me, my mind refuses to accept that he’s gone, I refuse to believe that he’s dead. Seeing him in this state is supposed to give me some kind of peace but there's none or whatsoever. I walk away from his casket leaving the room.
We walk into the spare room I was sharing with my best friend and his sister because everyone is worried I’ll implode or probably harm myself and this baby I’m carrying.

“Athule it's ok to cry” Mimi says sitting beside me on the bed, I regard her and not say anything. Instead I get up and take my toiletries and then go and shower quickly. After my shower I walk back to the room and wear my dress and heels and then wait for my assigned bodyguards.
We sit in the church listening to the preacher speaking preaching and then after he speaks Thabo’s mother takes the podium.
“Thabo was…” she lets out a heavy sigh “I can't bring myself to speak of my only son in the past tense” she blows out air and then leans in on the podium and scans the entire room “It was never supposed to happen like this, I shouldn’t have had to bury my son. No parent should have to bury their child but here I am today burying my only son” she lets out a sob “Thabo was a great person, and I’m not saying this because I am his mother. My son was an amazing person, anyone who knew him as well as I did will know that he was always smiling, always joking around, never could fully be serious” she lets out a chuckle “he could be very annoying when he wanted to, Thabo would frustrate you so much and yet the minute he left the room you’d find yourself missing him dearly. Most of Thabo’s businesses were in Pretoria but he had an apartment here in Joburg because he wanted to be close to home, close to his father and I. He always joked about how we’d miss him when he was gone and he was right because he’s gone and we miss him, I miss him so much” She says and she lets out a breath “I am releasing you my son. I will no longer cry for you and instead I will rejoice and celebrate your life and the goodness you brought into our lives. Rest easy my baby, mommy loves you so much” she says and then she walks over to his closed casket and plants a kiss on it before coming to sit beside me.