Five Years After

13 Our Son, Cara

Justin was admitted for five days but by the second day, he was doing better. No more bleeding episodes, he had a better appetite – not back to normal, but it kept him hydrated. By the fourth hospital day, there was also a slow and steady rise of his platelets. He had a lot of visitors but none of them were Jaxx. Ever since that morning, Justin never mentioned or asked about him again.

There was a nagging feeling that Justin might have slipped and told Jaxx that he was his dad. Derek denied any knowledge. Hindi ra sya nakinig sa usapan ng mag-ama pero mukhang yung drawing ni Justin daw pinagkakaabalan nila. Pero kung nalaman niya e di sana bumisita sya ulit diba?

I had never been good with my emotions when came to Jaxx. It was always denial until I was pushed to a corner until there was no way out. And even then, I had to convince myself that admitting and accepting whatever I felt for him was the saner option. And it was always that I had always loved him.

Even after I pushed him away, I never stopped. Even after I saw the contents of the package, I didn't change my mind. Many a time I would try to convince myself to move on, to get over him because we were a hopeless case, I was a hopeless case.

I closed my eyes and let the tears fall. It's been like this since the time Jaxx saw Justin's eyes. Sana nalaman nya na lang na anak niya si Justin, sana hindi ko na kailangan aminin sa kanya para di ko na siya kailangang harapin. I don't think kakayanin ko, ng puso ko kung sakaling manumbat sya o hindi nya tanggapin. It's the fear that is holding me back.

A hundred scenarios keep on playing in my head pero ni isa naka-convince sa akin that the pain is worth it. Pansamantalang natauhan ako when I saw Justin so affected after their encounter at the Cancer Center. Now that he's reverted back to indifference, parang naduwag ako ulit. Somehow the determination I once had faded and I'm back to being a coward who's looking for a million reasons to stay back.

Pero, sa totoo lang, nakakapagod din tong laging nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano, at laging nangangarap na wala namang hantungan. I'm tired of the dread I feel whenever I think I might see him. I'm tired of always telling myself that "today's the day" but it never happens. I'm tired of thinking I'll get the courage to do this when there will only be fleeting moments of courage between years of cowardice.

I bet my friends are tired too. I guess even Derek is getting exasperated with my hesitation, and push and pull attitude. Maybe even Justin that's why he just gave up.

Funny how determined I was to perfect my surgical techniques but I was undecided when it came to fixing my relations and my life.

Hindi ako mapakali sa mga pangyayari at sa mga nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko na lubos namalayan kung pano ako umabot sa condo ni Chino at one in the morning. Wala na akong maisip na puntahan. Ace was home in El Valle and I needed company, the silent type that would let me sit and cry and without judgment or scolding, someone who understood what I was going through. I did not need advice or encouragement. I just needed company.

So I sat there in his living room, staring into space and letting the silent tears fall. He sat on the opposite end of the couch with his legs stretched out, reaching the side of my hips. I crossed my legs to give him more space.