Five Years After

09

I decided to be pro-active in treating the problem that was Jaxx. Well, ako talaga ang problema but in any case, I was determined to formally introduce Justin and Jaxx before Justin's birthday. I was still scared and I still had doubts, but I could not take the sadness that Justin was trying to live through for the past weeks.

I was torturing my son. Natauhan na ako.

So I began stalking his social media, even though I knew this would prove nothing but hurtful to me. But I wanted to know what he was up to. Maybe I can catch him before he goes to one of his galas or whatever. I really wasn't thinking straight but I clicked on his Instagram and Facebook accounts and stalked. I was half expecting I was blocked but, lo and behold, I wasn't, even after everything that I've done. Maybe he was stalking me, too?

I slapped myself quickly.

Aray. Masakit.

But I had to get all those stupid thoughts and hopes out of my head.

Hindi sya gaanong nag popost sa Facebook. Sa karamihan ng pictures nya, naka-tag lang sya. A lot of them were from the galas that he attended and most of them were from his dates or the other single women who, I bet, wanted to be with him. I hate them already, all of them.

Where was Rachel when I needed her?

He looked so handsome in all of the pictures, even those with red-eye, or when he had his bowtie undone and his hand was in his hair. God, I missed running my fingers through his locks. He was even attractive when he was disheveled from too much drinking or dancing.

Teka, wait! Dancing? He doesn't dance! Since when did he dance!? Who is this impostor?!

I skipped the galas and Facebook altogether. Masyadong maraming babae, hindi ako natutuwa.

Mas tahimik Instagram nya and siya talaga ang nagpopost. In the last five years, of course, marami-rami din syang na-post – his friends in Pennsylvania Law and yung mga American version of the UP college kids, his flatmates, Nick, his dad's family and their dog.

There was a photo during his graduation. He had the usual black toga and cap with the drab-colored hood. There was one with the other graduates, one with his brother, and the other was with him, his dad, and his brother. All in the family. He looked happy and fulfilled. His eyes were bright and the smile reached his eyes.

Ang tagal ko nang hindi nakita ang ganyang ngiti nya. I'm happy that I was able to lead him to this happiness. Kahit nasaktan ko sya, kahit masakit para sa akin, I was happy to see that kahit paano, he was happy. I absentmindedly touched his face on the screen. I missed his company so much.

I took a screenshot of the photo for safekeeping. Certified creepy stalker na talaga ako.

There was no point in denying my feelings to anyone anymore kasi walang naniniwala sakin and Chino, that Chinese demon incarnate, forced it out of me. I guess it's about time I admitted and accepted it as well.