Vent hole

Shut Down

I want to shut down. 

But people would call it being selfish. How about the people you will be leaving? Think of how they are going to feel. Think of how this would affect a lot of people. 

As if i've made that much impact and memory in their lives, right? As if why i wanted to shut down mattered. All that mattered was who were going to be left behind, not how and why it would lead to suicide. 

I've told a few people of my mental state and what i wanted to do. That i am suicidal. In hope that all i needed was to get it out of my system. Unfortunately enough, it just made it worse. I gave them a lot of reasons why i wanted to do that. How it would benefit my parents financially as i am...gone. But all i got out them was that "They'd also be paying for your funeral. And that's gonna be expensive."  

YOU DON'T SAY THAT TO PEOPLE. 

Some of them would also say "...that's why? That's not even enough reason. You're being way too sensitive and way too dramatic. Why are you like this? Do you need a slap to wake up?" 

YOU DON'T GET TO MEASURE PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS AND PROBLEMS. You don't have the right to say that people has it worse and mine is too light to give a damn. 

I'm not them. I'm not strong enough to be able to deal with the world and people like you. 

I feel stupid. 

When i say i wanted to die. That means i've considered what would happen. The consequences it would bring to people other than me. I can already picture it, and trust me. I don't give a damn. Cause that means none of those consequences will make me regret my decision. None of those are enough to make me want to stay. 

This is not a suicide note. But a vent. I have always considered killing myself so don't tell me that i am taking this lightly. I know my mental state and yes, i am trying to handle myself every day.