Vent hole

(How long can you read?) Acceptance of the truth : Blabbering about

Mistake of the day: Rereading old convos. Again.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon ginagawa ko parin 'to. Ang magbasa nang magbasa ng mga napaguusapan natin and just replaying old memories of us together in my effin mind. It reminds me the things I couldn't do for one person. And that hurts. I wasn't enough for you. I didn't pay attention to you. Sorry.

So, there I was talking about "I've moved on" and shits. When the truth is, I couldn't even look at you straight in the eyes. Natatakot siguro ako. Kinakabahan. I was worried that you might look at me like an obstacle or a problem right infront of you. Or worse, natatakot akong makita na wala na akong halaga sa mata mo. Receiving that kind of gaze...is what hurts me the most. Especially when it comes to a person I truly treasure.

Those old memories...those painful and happy chats we had is what keeps me going. Dahil hindi ako masaya ngayon. Hindi ko tanggap ang sarili ko. I hate myself.

And the fact that someone loved me for who I am...lessens everything.

Hindi ko na iisipin na "Minahal niya ba talaga ako?" Cause that would damage the memories. I don't want to reminisce those beautiful memories and just describe it as fake. I want to believe he loved me. And I loved him.

If you, by any chance, is reading this...I'm sorry. For not being able to move on completely. Hindi ko intensyon 'to. I'm sorry if this will cause you to feel shit about yourself. Don't be, please.

Kasalanan ko na 'to.

Alam kong ang tanga ko na talaga dahil hanggang ngayon ganito. But, trust me, I tried to like other guys. And I failed. I wasn't completely in-love with them. I wasn't really liking them like crazy. Don't worry, I'm hoping one day I'd find someone who'll make me go crazy. Sa ngayon, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong bumalik. I couldn't stop myself reminiscing.

You've made your mark on my life, so wtf can I do?

The lessons I've learned from you the hard way, I will be carrying it throughout my life. Hopefully I won't make the same mistake as I did back then. Guide me? Of course, you would say no. And I suppose you would think that it would be best to avoid any contact with me since...yeah...like this. (You guys know what I mean)

But I'm not obsessed over him, okay? If I was, then I'd be wherever he goes and still pushing myself to him.

NO. I DO NOT DO THAT.

If no one wants to see, talk or be with me. Fine. I'll be just effin drawing, painting, singing for myself and watching art videos in a corner. I've got many ways to keep myself distracted and to not care about who da hell wants to be friends with me.

Welp. That was long. I doubt anyone finished this chapter all through the end. Haha (Not like I'm hoping everybody read me blabber about nonsense. Yeah, do what ya want.) I'm just venting.

This is a vent hole. Happiness or sadness. Depends on my situation, I guess. So far, I've just been writing about sadness.

And YEAH, I HAVEN'T BEEN WRITING NOVELS. My mind is not in the right condition, sorry. (It's not like anyone was reading anyway. I'm just gonna type on my laptop if I have the time since it's just a hobby. Skl)

OH, AND YEAH. I MENTIONED THAT IF YOU WERE READING THIS...KEEP READING (You know who you are) I'm gonna have to say sorry for avoiding you that time on the mall. Nung kasama ko si Yena. I wasn't mentally prepared (And I admit I'm not presentable that day, so it's best to avoid being seen as a haggard person. I didn't wanna look...yk. meh.) Cause my mind was already fixated on the fact that our Graduation Night was gonna be the last time I'll see you. Shookt ako. Haha Anyways, di ko sinabi para mag-isip ka ng kung ano-ano. I just said that to...well...vent. Or pwede nang SKL. Hehe.

Well. Night. Ignore the numbers of this chap and just sleep. Yahhhh. Night.

Sleep people. Sleep. Everything goes away when you sleep.