Vent hole

Useless

I feel useless. Not being able to achieve things I want to. I feel frustrated. Not being able to do what I need to do. And I feel annoyed, angry at the same. Because I know, this is me. That I can't do anything on my own.

It makes me want to kill myself.

Everyday, again and again, I'm repeatedly telling myself that everything is nothing. And nothing will pass when it's not acknowledged. But I can't just move forward ignoring things, right? I can't move forward by not giving a fuck, right? Will there ever be an easier way to end all of this?

The anger I feel fumes up inside. The urge to punch something and be violent rises. It's annoying. It's very annoying. How everything ends up all the same.

I want to disappear. The world is not going to need a fucked up person like me. Neither will I need the world for my sake. Wouldn't it be better to be disintegrated? Like, poof! I'm gone. Or wouldn't it be better if I just... Died right away?

A person with confused and fucked up feelings hurt people. All the same hurting themselves. How can we be considerate? How can we be accepted? How can we be allowed to do things our own way? How...can one person be like that?

Today, I became invisible even for just a moment. I went and smiled, waving at the person I wanted to talk to. He seemed to look at me but not. His eyes were wondering somewhere where I can't be seen. Even though I was infront of him, smiling like an idiot and waiting. But when I looked back at him once more, he wasn't there.

And it's ridiculous.

I knew he was an airhead. An insensitive person. That even though you've passed by each other, he wouldn't be able to take notice. I knew how he was. I knew his manners. But...it's still frustrating. It makes me feel I'm not a part of his world even though we've been hanging out for 5 years. Even though we shared pain back then. Even though...I told him I liked him.

Does that mean I'm just a bystander in his life? Does that mean I'm not just important?

To me, he was.

Whenever I drew something, there's this urge to show him. Even though it's not something that should be proud of. Even though it's not good or great. I still showed him. Because I liked it. How he smiled and was amazed by my improvements. How he was encouraging me to keep on doing my thing. Even though I received much higher praises from others, I still looked for his. But now...

He wouldn't even react.

It's frustrating. It's annoying. It's just...

This is fucking silly. How I started at one point then leading to a totally different topic. How I ate everything I said. I guess I'm still not mature. Proven how confused I am about myself. Does being an adult require self-wisdom? Does being an adult meant less mixed emotions?

Then... Can't I grow up more quickly? Can't I stop being a messed up teenager? Can't I...

Useless. Everything I've said is useless. I don't know why you are still reading this even though I've written 500+ words. Even so, thank you.

For putting up with this uselessness.