Someone asked me if I was alright. If I was okay. I told him a thousand times that I was. But I also asked him a thousand times whether I should stop it keep on going. I asked people, should I stop? Or should I keep going?
And they all told me the same thing: keep going.
He said he was worried. He told me he was starting to imagine things (being paranoid). And he asked me to tell him. To tell him what was my problem.
My problem is me.
I can't tell him all my selfishness. All the bad things I think. All the anger. All the things I've done. How cruel I am. How much of a jerk I am. How much of an asshole.
I hated myself and blamed everything on others, on the world.
I hated myself that I've done nothing but hurt the people around me.
I hated myself because I couldn't do anything.
I hated myself because...it was me.
How could you tell all of these to a person? How can you make up an excuse for such a small argument that was connected to your own personal issues that you made it a big deal? How can you say that you've done these things because you hated yourself?
Do you think they'll be open to everything you say? Do you think he'll be obliged to hear everything? Do you think... he'll be able to accept that there is, in fact, someone who hates themselves? Do you think he'll be annoyed? Do you think he'll still stay by me?
Do you think he will just say "It's okay. I'm here to listen everytime for whatever reason you might have." And just...embrace me?
Do you think it will be fine to show just one person how I really am? You think it's alright being fully known?
YOU ARE READING
Vent hole
RandomA vent hole for someone like me with critical personal issues topped with anxiety cream and depression sprinkles. "Random thoughts in life" was a mistake of a title. Everything started from me falling in love and hurting myself really really bad, fa...
