"I want to leave here, but something tells me to stay." A Tommy angst

11

⚠️ !! WARNING !! ⚠️

Mentions of starv!ng self, slight su!c!dal thoughts, abu$e mention, the feeling of worthlessness.

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I haven't had the motivation to do anything anymore; life's just become a big blur for me. The same old thing over and over, and I can't get out, another day of doing nothing, another day of Wilbur hurting me, another day of attempting to leave this world.

I decided to check my phone after days of not saying anything, and I look to see one message from quackity. I read it over and over again. I haven't thought about them. Lately, I haven't wanted to think about them later. Not because I don't miss them, but I wouldn't want them to be my eventual final thoughts.

I decided I should respond somehow, just as a message to know that I'm okay, or at least okay to them.

Hey Quackity, I'm doing pretty okay, actually. Wilbur still is being rough on me, and I don't know what to do to make him stop, but it's okay! I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me! Tell Tubbo I love him so much for me okay? If you do, thanks for that. :)

Looking over my message, I could tell that it sounded like a lie, but he won't think much of it. Hopefully, he doesn't.

As the message to Quackity was sent, I thought about Tubbo some more; I wonder if he's doing okay. I didn't realize how selfish I'm since I've never even checked on my own best friend. Seeming by what Big Q said by 'Schlatt has been heavily watching over us' Tubbo has probably been going through some shit too. I decided fuck it. I'll message him,

Hey Tubso, I know you're probably surprised I'm messaging you right now, but Quackity has told me that you've been worrying about me a lot, and I don't want you to worry, alright? I promise you I'll be okay for you, and I promise I'll see you soon whether it's you seeing me or me seeing you, I promise that. I hope you're doing alright, too, since I know you get stressed easily also, don't let that dumbass Schlatt control your life. I love you so much, Tubbo. Like I've said before, see you soon.

I let the message send as I lay on my bed; I can tell even though all the messages of 'stay strong' I feel myself getting weaker, maybe it's from the fact I don't want to do anything anymore, or perhaps it's from not eating anything for a few days. I wouldn't know and couldn't care to know which it is.

I hear from outside the small room I live in, Wilbur presumably doing something. Probably doing something with that plan he has, I feel torn on that plan. I want to stop him from doing this stupid plan, yet I don't even have the motivation to leave this room. Maybe I should? Perhaps just this once I can try to do something.

I slowly stand up, my legs and arms feeling weak. But I ignore that as I leave the room, I look over to see Will, and as I guessed, he had some tnt. "Hello, Tommy! You've finally decided to do something worthwhile. It seems" I slowly nod yes as a response; he hands me some bread and tells me to eat it. I stood still for a while but eventually took a bite of the bread and saw as my brother smiled at me.

Wilbur always does this. Every time I leave, he gets me something to help me, then later yell at me for doing something wrong. I want the old him back; I need the old him back. "Tommy! The festival should be in a few days, if you can, could you please put this tnt in that chest over there. It would greatly be appreciated" I decide to listen to what he said, not trying to get another bruise somewhere.

As I let my thoughts roam, I had one stick; it was thought of me wanting to leave this place or not. I'd love to go, and I tell myself I should renounce every day, yet I don't make an effort to try as it constantly bashes with the fact of 'Wilbur needs me!' Or 'Wilbur loves me' I know that's bullshit; I know it is. He wouldn't do this to me if he loved me, and he doesn't care about me. But why! Why don't I leave already?!

After putting the stuff in the chest, I felt my emotions snap as I started to cry, and I tried to quickly walk to my room as of not wanting Wilbur to have to 'help' me feel better. I curled up into a ball and sobbed and sobbed, for I don't even know how long. There were no Windows in Pogtopia, so I couldn't even tell unless I went outside, but I don't want to go outside right now; it's not worth it. But am I even worth it?! I don't even know myself.

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Yooo hello again everyone! it's me yeah I know I've been gone for a while but I'm back yet again so ig that's pretty cool lol. But wow I was looking at the reads on this story and there are like 12k of you who've actually read this what the fuck?? thank you so much!! you guys just making an effort to just read even a bit of this story gives me more motivation than you even know so yeah thank you again! :D

Also just wanted to say again everything is in characters and nothing like this is supposed to represent real life! just wanted to say that since these chapters have been heavier lately on stuff and I wouldn't want people to think I'm talking about the real people sooo yeah

-Your Author, Liv :]