Remorse- Yaman realises all his sins.

Chapter 9

"You are enough to drive a saint to madness or a king to his knees."

-Grace Willows.

Suddenly Yaman couldn't restrain himself anymore and leaned forward to hold a crying Seher in his arms and give her comfort. But Seher stiffened and shifted away saying, " Please don't touch me ever again. You broke my trust. You believed in the entire world except me. On the day of our wedding, you had made a promise to protect me. You could not even protect me from yourself. You left me all alone in the first test life threw at us. I was grappling in the dark and didn't even know why you were hurting me and so full of loathing towards me. When I wanted you beside me, you left me all alone in this quicksand of trouble and miseries. How can I trust you ever again? How can I know that this will not happen again? I don't have the strength to deal with your unjust hatred anymore. It has broken the woman in me."

Yaman looked at her pleadingly and said in a choked voice, "Please give me one last chance, Seher. I want to make amends for all my sins and transgressions. I will become a totally changed man. I will never mistrust or discredit you ever again. After knowing you at close quarters, I really believe and concede now that women are a lot stronger than men in every way. They are gentle, quiet yet have an innate strength which comes from their inherent goodness. No man can ever be as strong. I let my experience with my mother colour my vision but now I fathom how wrong I was. You are one woman who taught me to love not only others but myself too. I used to be a dark black pit of an ocean at night, with no end in sight; but you came as a lighthouse in my life, to show me the way. I am so sorry for all I put you through, Seher. I am really sorry. I am honestly repentant and guilt ridden from the bottom of my heart."

Seher was quiet for some time and then said, " I cannot trust again so easily, Yaman. I am so sorry but I am really petrified to believe anyone fully, ever again. I will come back with you but only for Yusuf's sake. I wil live in that mansion till the time I can arrange a new place for Yusuf and me. And then I shall move out. You can meet him whenever you want and there will be no restrictions but I will be unable to live as your wife under that roof anymore. I want to think and live for myself, for some time. Maybe we need to give this relationship some space. Maybe that will make us wiser and more mature and teach us to have more faith in each other.I believe we shall surely come back as stronger individuals. Two broken people cannot make one whole. Only when we are healed separately can we heal this marriage."

Given the current circumstances, Yaman was not in a position to ask for anything more. He didn't want Seher to leave him AT ALL but at least she had agreed to come back for now. This was a start. He would pray and grovel and make sure that she realises that he is actually sorry and maybe then she wouldn't leave !!! He had started believing in miracles, beginning today.

Yaman nodded and asked her to pack her belongings and said, " Take your time. I will be right outside waiting for you."

Seher called Zeynep and thanked her whole heartedly for all her help and support and told her she was going back so wanted to hand over the keys of the house. When Zeynep came over, Seher gave her back the keys, hugged her and said, " Thank you for all your help, my dear friend. You have been a pillar of support to me in these trying times. I will never forget your benevolence and magnanimity and if I can ever help you, I will do so whole heartedly. Also please give me your bank account details. I will transfer the money I owe you."

Zeynep simply said, " I will do that, don't worry, canim. But I just want to say something, Seher. I hope you wouldn't mind."

When Seher encouraged her, she said, " Your husband is deeply in love with you. It is plainly visible on his face. The guy worships you. While coming here, I saw him standing outside and looking at your window like a lovesick man. Whatever the discord between you both, I will not interfere but I just want to request you to not give up without trying to save this love you both have for each other."

Seher did not say anything and hugged her friend one last time and took her bag and came out. Yaman said a polite hello to her friend and rushed to Seher's side to take her bag but she courteously refused and told him, " I can keep my bag in the car." Yaman didn't say anything and took a step back.

They were seated in the car and finally Seher waved her friend one last time and they left.

Yaman was mentally prepared for Seher's silence and reticence for the entire length of the journey. He kept berating himself and knew there was no one else to blame except himself for what he had turned her into. She had become broken and jittery and was terrified to trust again.

Seher was really nervous to spend the entire journey all alone with Yaman.

Yaman looked at her and said politely, " You need to fasten your seat belt. "

Seher found the belt and tried to buckle it in its hook but she was so unnerved and disconcerted that she was unable to carry out such a simple task. She kept trying with shaking hands and when she attempted it unsuccessfully for the third time,Yaman simply looked at her and without waiting for her answer, leaned over her and said ," Let me do it."

Her unique body fragrance of lavender, rose and cedarwood mixed with her own inherent feminine smell assailed his senses as soon as he reclined forward to help her. He wanted to just stay where he was and be just this close to her and bask in her proximity. It was a heady and intoxicating feeling. But he could see her getting ruffled and uneasy with him being so near her. He caught her taking shallow breaths and could hear her heart beating faster.

This was the only silver lining that he could see in his lengthy road to redemption - that she was as affected by his nearness as he was by hers !! He wanted to smile but checked himself.

He knew it would be a long time before he would be forgiven, if ever. He could not touch her or enjoy her nearness as long as she did not assent or didn't absolve him of his misconducts.He fastened her seat belt and leaned back in his seat.

Seher managed a quiet " T-thank you" and then turned to look out of the window. Her only thoughts were that it was an eight hour long journey which she had to spend with Yaman in such close proximity. She was scared and apprehensive. He may not make a move on her but she just wanted to be away from him and gather her thoughts. She wanted to lick her wounds in solitude for now. She didn't want to look at his apologetic eyes or handle his kindness and generosity. She simply wanted to be alone and left to her own devices.

But knowing her husband, she knew he wouldn't leave her alone. He was the kind of old school man for whom taking care of his woman was imperative and second nature. She prayed silently to God to give her strength and to protect her heart. She would not be feeble ever again.

To be continued.