Will You Be My Always? (PerthSaintPerth)

27. FAR AWAY

The ride was dead silent, no one dared to speak a word. Before Sammy left for her home, she gave Perth a warm hug. But for Perth, he looked pale, and had an expressionless face. The shine in his eyes which Saint endeared so much was no longer there, he felt cold.

Saint opened the door for him and he went upstairs without a single sentence. The silence between them was way too loud for them to speak up. Perth entered the room and Saint followed him after checking on Moon, who was sleeping soundly on her bed with brownie. When he entered he heard the shower. He took his clothes from the closet and sat on the bed waiting for Perth. He didn't want to disturb Perth, moreover the door which was always open was closed shut this time.

After about half an hour later, when Saint was about to knock on the door to check-in on Perth, he heard the door open. Perth came out fully dressed, following the steam. His eyes were puffy and red. As he passed by, Saint held his hand. "Per-", he was interrupted by Perth. "I'm okay, can we just ignore it today?", he said looking dead in his eyes. The emptiness in those deep orbs made Saint feel cold to his core.

Saint lowered his gaze, reluctant to speak and decided to give him his much-needed space. He changed into his sleeping clothes and found Perth on the bed, already. It was different, he was lying on the far end, one movement and he'll fall off. But his eyes, still wide open starring at the ceiling with hands on his stomach.

Saint placed his pillow on his side and covered Perth's legs with the quilt. Perth, who was too busy starring at nothing, didn't even notice Saint's action. Saint took his place on the other side, maintaining a little distance between them.

Perth turned and now his back was facing him. Saint slept in the same direction. After a while,he heard a muffled sound and saw Perth's shoulders shaking a bit. His hand stretched involuntarily towards his back to rubbed it in a comforting manner but as soon as his palm touched the other's back, Perth flinched. Perth didn't look back, but his hand was gently swatted away.

Saint wanted to say something but he was at a loss for words. After a while, he didn't know when his eyes closed and he gave up his fight with sleep. Hearing the light snores, Perth finally turned around. He looked at the face of his beloved, deep asleep. "He looks so peaceful", he thought to himself. His hand was about to reach Saint's cheek to caress it, but he retreated his hand midway.

"I'm sorry love. But I don't think I'll ever be able to be myself again. I know that it happened many years ago and it wasn't my fault either. But I can't help it, but feel uncomfortable about it. I'm sorry. I know I should not do this to you, or myself, but... but I can't help it, Saint. I can't. I want the old-time back when I didn't know about this. It's been only a few hours since I've known it, but it hurts. It fucking hurts to live with it. I'm afraid... afraid that if I fall asleep now, those images may resurface in my head. I knew what happened but the piece of memories are still not clear. And I don't want to know them, Saint. I don't ever want to remember them. But... But I know that once my eyes close, the memories will come back flooding. I can't do this anymore Saint. At least not with you around. I don't want to pull you in this endless depth of mine, I want you to be free. Free of worries, free of problems...................
free of me".

He didn't voice his thoughts out, scared if it would wake him up. But while he was thinking, tears kept falling from his eyes without a break wetting the bed sheet beneath him. He felt Saint's hand on his waist and flinched. "See I can't even feel you properly know, I'm more damaged than you think, love. And it can be more than this too. Enough for you to lose control, enough for you to hate me, enough for me to hate myself. But I don't want you to hate me. I don't want that. I should stay away from you to keep my calm. Maybe, just maybe it will help.... just maybe", with that, he got up from his place and sat beside the bed.