but the wait will be worth it

chapter thirty five

Silence.

The familiar silence of the airplane was beyond unbearable.

Especially since it left me alone with only my thoughts.

I had almost considered blasting music or something, just to get away from my own fucking head.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream and cry and show people that being in a plane doesn't mean that you have to fucking stay quiet.

The silence was almost suffocating. It made me anxious as I stared out of the window, tapping my fingers against the arm rest of my chair.

My knee bounced up and down as well, although I took deep breaths to distract myself from the ache burning up my heart.

When it all became too much, the plane seemed to be closing in on me. The walls bubbled like a liquidated flow of lava, pressuring around the wall's edges until it reached my feet. The colorful lava squeezed around my body, as I squirmed desperately trying to escape.

I let out a silent scream, before rapidly getting up from my seat. Other passengers on the plane turned to stare, glaring in my direction. My hands began to shake.

"Sorry.... I'm sorry," I stuttered while moving out of the aisle, and running to the bathroom. People watched as I ran inside, slamming the door behind me. I quickly blocked out the judgmental scoffs and whispers from out in the plane.

Placing my hands over the sink, I stared intensely at myself in the mirror. I absolutely despised what I saw.

The look of my own self made me want to puke. I was such a failure. I failed at my own damn relationship, how could I ever look at myself the same?

My hand began to curl shut in a fist, knuckles tightening up into my palm. I took a breath, breathing through my mouth to calm myself. Closing my eyes, I slowly let my hand soften. I could not break two mirrors in one year; what a shit ton amount of bad luck.

I took shaky breaths as my chest grew cold; that kind of coldness you feel in your heart after running at 5 in the morning on a chilly day.

I didn't know why it was there, it was pretty hot inside of the plane. A heat stroke type of heat clouding up the tiny room.

I longed for something else to cloud up the room; maybe a cigarette or something. I'd never smoked before, but when Zayn used to he'd always tell me that it made him feel a whole lot better.

I thought of how pissed Louis would be if I brought any sort of blunt anywhere near my mouth. But for some reason, the thought of that just made me want to do it more.

Upset, I barged out of the bathroom door and brought my headphones back up to my ears. Who would fucking bring a cigarette onto a plane? My unusual and sudden anger caused me to almost trip over my own feet on the way back to my chair.

I fell into my seat, people around watching with annoyed looks on their faces. Fiona Apple's 'Across the Universe' blared through my headphones.

I rolled my eyes, already starting to get antsy again. I stared out the window for a minute, only clouds outside. It pissed me off that no houses or buildings could be seen.

My hands began to sweat, and I squirmed around in my seat. I started to feel like I was being tied down to the chair. I took another breath, and got out of the aisle quickly to get my bag from the upper compartment.

I tiredly grabbed the duffel bag from above me, dragging it back to my seat. Plopping back down, I sat in my chair and placed the bag onto my lap.

I almost teared up at the faint scent of Louis on lingering on it. What's inside, I couldn't ever prepare for.