This Can't Be Real

Chapter 19

"How are you feeling, Mummy?"

Zachary is now looking up at me, his arms still round my middle and his chin resting on my bump. His green eyes have a twinkle in them that's so much like Joe's when he smiles.

"I . . ." I start.

"Mummy's doing better than she was," Joe answers.

"Does that mean you're coming home?"

"Zachary, what-"

"Can you come home, now? I miss you."

I have to look away from Zachary as tears begin to form in my eyes. I look up at the ceiling and blink vigorously. My emotions are going into overdrive and I don't want anyone to see me cry.

I grip onto Joe's hand even tighter and he places a small kiss on the side of my head.

"We'll have to wait and see what happens," Joe tells him. "Mummy's still recovering."

"But I want mummy to come back home. She belongs here with us and not with Auntie Jess."

"Zachary, we've been over this."

"But I want mummy to come home!" He whines. "Please come home, Mummy! Please!"

"I can't do this," I murmur. I place my hands on Zachary's arms and pull him free from me. "I'm sorry."

I move away from Joe and walk quickly out of the kitchen. I don't know where to go but running up to the master bedroom seems like a good option.

I get to the top of the stairs but don't go any further than that. My hands are gripping the glass railing tightly to a point where it's starting to hurt my hand. It's cool under my touch and I turn on the spot before sitting on the top step.

My mind's racing and I just feel like breaking down. Zachary does deserve his mum to be there because he needs her. He's had her with him since he was born and is dependant on her. He cares so much about her and yet, now that I'm here and meeting him for the first time, I can't bring myself to interact with him like I should be doing.

I just can't do it.

I rest my head against the cool glass as tears begin to fall freely from my eyes.

"I can't do this," I admit to myself in a hushed tone. "I don't-"

"Leigh."

I don't move at the sound of Joe's voice calling on me. I don't think I have the energy within myself to even respond. Footsteps run up the stairs quickly and then stop with a loud sigh.

"Leigh," Joe sighs, taking a set next to me.

He puts an arm round my shoulders and pulls me to him. I move freely and rest my head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," I cry. "I shouldn't-"

"It's fine," he hushes. "I understand. It was my fault. My parents brought Zachary back home earlier than expected and I was trying to sort everything out before you got up."

"Zachary-"

"Zachary will understand why you walked away from him. He knows you're in recovery but he doesn't know why. He won't understand at this age why. He'll just think you don't care about him anymore and I know that's not true."

I nod.

He's right; I do care for Zachary and after briefly meeting him downstairs, I know I care for him. I want to protect him the way any mother would protect their kids. I want to be there for him, just not right now.