This Can't Be Real

Chapter 15

The kiss is soft, not rushed. My body has moved to press against his and my hands are now sitting on his hips. His hand is still on the side of my face and it's like he's controlling the situation.

Neither of us know how far to go and it's like if one of us step over a boundary, the other might feel threatened and push the other away. It's a battle that doesn't seem to have a good ending no matter what happens next.

Going against my better judgment, I break the kiss but Joe keeps me close so our foreheads are resting against each other.

"I’m sorry," he apologises.

"Joe-"

"I shouldn’t have done that." He pulls away from me and wraps the towel back around his injured hand before walking round to the other side of the island. He starts looking around the kitchen for something, muttering a few things to himself as does so. "I need-"

He doesn’t finish what he was going to say, opting to leave the kitchen before I can ask what he’s looking for.

I sulk back against the worktop, one hand coming up to trace over my lips as I stare down at the floor.

Everything was going fine and now that we've kissed, everything's went awkward. The kiss was fine, don't get me wrong, and if I'm being truthful to myself, I really didn't want it to end. Only thing is, I don't know how Joe felt about that and if he was in the same boat as me.

I guess I'll never find out unless I go and ask him about it. But where do I start looking for him?

I would argue that he'd disappear up the stairs to the master bedroom, but I don't think he'd go that far to get away from me. I have a feeling that he's on the ground floor somewhere. It's like I can sense that he's near, I just don't know where.

I push myself away from the counter and start walking out of the kitchen to find Joe.

I don't walk far, bypassing the closed double doors that are to my left and the staircase that's to my right. I walk to the end of the hallway and stop at the door that's opened just no more on my right. Heavy breathing coming from inside the room has me turning to it and coming to a complete stop next to it; my body turned to the side so I can listen closely to Joe.

I know he's in that room; he's the only other person in the house with me.

"Joe," I say quietly, my right hand pushing on the door till it opens completely.

The room's dark but still light enough for me to make everything out. The wall on the left is covered in dark wood with a television in the middle of it. The floor looks to be carpeted and it looks like it's cream, maybe even white. The silver velvet curtains at the bay window at the opposite side of the room are open, allowing the natural light from outside to stream in. I can't quite make out the colour of the couch but I think it may be made out of velvet like the curtains. It runs the length of the wall across from the television and I can't help but breathe deeply at the sight before me.

Joe's sitting on the couch; his head in his hands and breathing even heavier than he was before he knew I found him. My heart's close to breaking at the sight and tears are threatening to fall. I've never seen him like this - or anyone for that matter - and I don't know what to do. For once, I'm at a loss because I've never been in this situation from what I know of.

I walk until I'm standing next to Joe and place a hand on his shoulder. He tenses a little under my touch. My fingers move back and forth over his shoulder and I sit down next to him.

"Joe," I whisper.

"I'm sorry," he says hoarsely.

"Joe . . ."

"I shouldn't have kissed you."

I press my lips firmly together. I'm glad you did.  "It's fine."

"No. It wasn't," he snaps. His head rises and he faces me so fast that I pull back a little. "I knew that kissing you too soon would jeopardise any chance of us becoming an us again."

He stands and my hand falls to my lap. He's reached his breaking point again and it seems like that's all that's going to happen with us. We'll each get to a certain point with each other and then one of us will find it too tough, and then we act out.

It's not good for either of us. Hell, it's not even healthy for a relationship to survive! How we've managed to stay together all this time and get a long with no proper argument, is beyond me.

"Joe, I said it was fine." I'm trying to reason with him but I know there will be no point.

"It's not fine, Leigh." He walks over to the window and sighs heavily. "I knew this would happen. It's happened before and I always said that if I had a chance to do it again, I'd do it differently."

I frown. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about our relationship," he says, turning on the spot to face me. "On our first date, I rushed into our first kiss when I knew you weren't ready. I rushed it and it pushed you away from me."

"How did-"

"I didn't see or hear from you for almost a week after that and I feared it was because you were scared that I was wanting more too soon. I admit that I wanted more because I knew you were the one I wanted to be with, even that early one into our relationship. I somehow just knew.

"After the week past, I called you and then we agreed on another date. I was more nervous on that second date than I was on the first. I didn't want to pressure you into anything and I promised you that if we ever had to start again, I wouldn't kiss you so soon."

I look down to the floor, my lips parting slightly as I take in the stupid explanation.

It's the most stupid thing I've heard in a while and I can't believe he'd blame himself for me ignoring him for a week. I'm pretty sure there'd be some other explanation as to why I'd do that. Might need to ask Jess about that one.

That can be done tomorrow.

As for now, I want to get to the bottom of this matter and put a few things to rest. There will be no point in continuing with a relationship if all we end up doing is getting into a argument every few days.

"Joe." I make a cautious move and stand up. "I have no idea what happened then and if I really want to know, I'll ask." I start a slow walk towards him. "I get that you said you'd not kiss me too soon if you were able to start again with me." I come to a stop in front of him and his eyes fix on me. "You've been given that chance and I'm glad you took the step to kiss me."

His brow furrows with confusion. "Why would you be glad of that?" He asks.

"Because I don't think I'd be as brave to make the first move," I voice.

I reach up to pull his face to mine, my fingers linking together at his neck so I have the upper hand and I'm able to pull him to me.

"Leigh," he says quietly, his hands falling to my hips.

"Joe, don't treat me like I'm glass."

Our foreheads rest against each other. I can feel his breath on my face, causing my eyes to close out of instinct.

"I want this," I tell him before my lips press against his.