This Can't Be Real

Chapter 9

I take my time eating the rice Joe had bought for me. For all I suddenly do feel hungry, I don't want to scoff my food down then risk running to the bathroom to be sick again.

After putting the last fork full of rice into my mouth and eating it, I push the empty tray away from me and drop the fork into it.

"Thank you," I mutter to Joe while resting back in the chair I'm sitting on.

He doesn't say anything to acknowledge my gratuity. He only nods before taking a sip of his drink which he then pushes along the table so it's just out of his each. His gaze is focused on the drink and his hands are lying flat on the table. He's quiet and I feel like I need to be on high alert to prepare myself for what may happen next.

Everything's quiet. It's so quiet to a point that I can actually hear Joe breathe deeply. Deep breath in, quick breath out. Deep breath in, quick breath out.

It's turned awkward.

We never spoke while we ate. Although there was a few glances here and there between us, no words were shared. If I'm honest, I don't think either of us know what to talk about. We should be talking about all the things I don't remember, but after a while, that can get boring.

I pull my legs up so my heels rest on the chair and hug them as close to my body as I can. "Joe," I start, attempting to break the silence that's fallen over us.

At the sound of his name falling from my lips, he looks at me. His face is blanketed with a look of worry I'm not surprised to see. I'm worried too.

"I-"

"I don't know what to say anymore," he says, his voice hoarse.

I open my mouth to speak, but close it when he continues without being prompted to.

"I don't know what I can say to you for you to believe that everything I've said so far is true. I don't know what I can do to show you that this isn't a dream. I don't have the answers I know you need to believe all of this. The only proof I have is the photos of us together and Zachary. Other than those things, I have nothing else."

I swallow away the lump that's formed in my throat. I don't have any words to say to him. He's right, though. I do need more than just the words he's telling me. I need more than just seeing Zachary. I need more than the pictures he has. I need . . . hell, I don't know what on earth I need! I just need something. Anything.

"I just-" He cuts himself short and his eyes close over briefly as he takes a deep breath. When his eyes open, I feel a wash of sadness come over me. He's hurt and it's all my fault. "I don't want to hold onto you if you don't want this."

His eyes glisten with tears that threaten to fall and I have to look away. If I look at him any longer, I may just cry myself. My hold on my legs grows tighter and I squeeze my eyes shut as the thought of not seeing Joe anymore beings to crawl over me and overtake all of my thoughts.

It's a dark place that I can't see any light in. There's no escape. It's frightening.

"If I can't help you like the doctors say I should, then I don't think I'm the one who's enough for you."

"Don't," I finally say. It's a whisper but at least it's something. I look back at Joe to see him staring back at me. "I don't want people to give up on me when I'm close to giving up on myself."

"You're stronger than you what you give yourself credit for, Leigh. You're nowhere near giving up on yourself. Not yet."

"Then you clearly don't know me at all," I mutter adamantly.

"Dammit, Leigh!" Joe shouts, standing up in the process with his hands slamming down on the table. "I do know you! I know all your fears and limits. I know all too well that you're determined to get your memories back, but you just don't want to see if this is right or not."

"Well, maybe I don't want it to be. Maybe my life isn't what everyone is saying it is."

"It is, but you're not allowing yourself to let it be. I get you still think of yourself as this girl who has to work her ass off at work to afford to live. But you don't. I have willingly supported you and for all you've fought with me over it, you've still let me do it."

I take note of the redness that's appearing on Joe's face with all the anger he has building up within him. It's anger that I've caused, and I don't know what to do. I can't do anything other than stare at him. There's nothing I can say to him without him getting angry or going off on one at me.

I still believe that I have to work to make a living for myself. I've always said that I'd never live off of a guy who makes more than what I do. I don't want to be seen as being cheap when I'm not. I'm not surprised to hear that there has been arguments over money between us. I can see where Joe's coming from with him wanting to provide for his loved ones. He just wants to give them the life they deserve and what they should have which is very understandable.

I just think it's not the life I want to be a part of.

Before either of us can open our mouthes to speak, the front door opens and closes quickly. Footsteps echo towards us and when the person comes into view, I know it's Jess.

"Well, my evening was a good one. How did . . ." Her voice fades to an end and I can tell she's taking in the sight before her. God only knows what she must be thinking right now. "What's going on?"

Silence.

"Leigh?" Her voice has a hint of worry to it as she says my name. But I stay quiet. She sighs loudly and the tone of her voice changes completely. "Joe?"

Joe's eyes stay locked on mine as he responds to her after a few silent minutes. "Nothing."

Pushing back from the table and straightening up, Joe turns and leaves the room while muttering a few words under his breath. The front door slams shut and I just look down at the table.

"Leigh," Jess starts before I spring into life.

"It's nothing," I tell her while getting to my feet and walking out of the kitchen to go up to bed. "Absolutely nothing."