tough - BE

8

time.
time is something precious you don't know when your time on earth will end. my mom told me not to take anything for granted. she told me true love is real and to not take any relationship for granted. that's bullshit. i've never believed in true love, i think it'll stay that way. of course life isn't fairy tales and rainbows. it's the day after her surgery she made it through but that's not her in the icu bed. that isn't her that's a lifeless corpse being held together by tubes.

"that isn't her" i muttered without expression

i just went to visit her. billie stayed in my childhood room because i didn't want her dealing with the amount of depression my family was radiating, even though she's now dealing with me. i'm sitting lifeless at the corner of my bed with billie kneeling in front of me trying her best to bring comfort. i only got her an hour ago. i've been crying through most of it. that isn't her. billie sat next to me putting her arm around my shoulder with me leaning into hers.

"your mom is going to be-" i cut billie off before she could finish her sentence

"don't say she'll be okay, you don't know that" i said

it was true, the doctor said there was a slim chance of her making it. nobody here plays god, you can't tell someone that it will be okay. you don't play god you don't know what will happen. you don't make any promises.

"you're right, but even if she doesn't make it she'll be with you everywhere you go. you don't just say goodbye"

billie was now trying to look at me in the eyes lifting my chin a little. she knows how to make the pain better. she was holding me so tight i don't think i'd have the strength to break apart. i'm an inch taller than her we are practically the same height. i finally looked into her soft eyes. they were cruller with empathy. i don't know why i haven't realized before how pretty they were.

"i'm here with you." she said

i don't know if it was the sadness running through me or the thought of her wanting to comfort me that made it happen so quickly but it happened. specifically what i didn't want to happen. she was holding my chin and i tucked her hair behind her ear. i don't think someone specifically went in first it kind of just happened. we kissed clearly meaning ever second of it. but we quickly backed away.

"i think it was a mistake for you to come." i blurted

no, it wasn't. i didn't mean what i said. even after i said that we went in again. i like it. a lot.

"yeah i think so" she said in between the kiss

the kisses lasted a little longer than i expected. until my little brother andres came rushing in interrupting us both. he didn't seem to care we were kissing and i'm kind of glad he interrupted us, a little longer alone together and i'm afraid to think of what could've happened.

"THE DOCTOR IS ABOUT TO GIVE US AN UPDATE CMON GUYS" he shouted running back downstairs

this was the moment i found out if i'd have to live without my mom, my best friend, my hero. billie walked down with me holding my hand slowly letting go as we approached the living room. there was my dad, my two brothers, andres sitting anxiously with my dad and malik sitting calmly with his wife. thats the thing with my brother and i, we are complete opposites. he's calm during stressful situations always thinking positively. he's a loving warm person. something i wish i could show. i'm loving im just too dense to show it. my dads phone rang and we all jumped knowing this could be it. my arms were behind my back and billie subtly held mine tightly. she knew how scared i was for this moment. my dad answered the phone "hello?" he said in his deep voice it sorta cracked in the end because of how nervous he was. we all waited hoping for good news but after a couple minutes he hung the phone up, looked down then shook his head. another moment of suffering. i felt billie squeeze my hand tighter.

"i'm sorry kids, she didn't make it" my dad said

andres ran into his arms crying searching for comfort. andres tries to act tough just like any other teenage boy but he lost his mom at such a young age. my brother held himself together but walked out the room his wife followed i know he was crying too. i was exhausted i didn't know how to react. i slowly sat down on the floor not knowing hot to process what just happened. billie sat in front of me hugging me. my dad knew this would happen that's why he went to me instead of calling that's why he planned a funeral days before. it's tomorrow, it's too early the last thing my mom said to me was to never forget she was with me. my mom is a very religious person..was she grew up catholic just like mostly everyone who grows up in mexico. my dad he's catholic too but he never talked about it. she left me with a cross necklace. i don't believe in religion as much as she did, i sometimes disappointed her by saying she should be pro choice. it was funny really how hard she tried. i'll still wear it everyday for her though. my family also had a lot of talks of how our funerals would be. she wanted everyone to wear white in her exact words she said "no quiero que todo sea tan depresivo, si me muero es porque me tengo que ir" translation: i don't want everything to be so depressing if i die it's because i have to go. i'll miss her. i didn't notice with my train of thoughts but i was quietly sobbing in billies arms. she just held me and kissed me on the forehead letting me cry.

true love is a lie.

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a/n
if you would like to visualize quinn's big brother more here is what i think he'd look like. he takes after her fathers side. quinn takes more of her mother's side.