tough - BE

9

BILLIE
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the funeral was like something i've never seen before they had a band playing and yes people were sad and crying at some points but they were also celebrating her life and how she lived it. i'm sad i had to meet quinn's mom like this, in the coffin. quinn and i are going back to LA today she seems exhausted from all the crying and emotional distress. i told her to lay down in the back because she clearly isn't in the right mental state to be doing anything. i havent felt exactly how she feels right now because no one that close to me has ever died, but i know how it feels to want to sleep all day from the amount of crying. i'm driving right now actually. i look in the mirror and see her sleeping in the back. she's an incredible person but i don't think what happened in her room was the best for either of us, she was sad and felt alone i was well am i am crushing. all i know is that i won't stop thinking about that kiss until the end of time. i turned on my most calm playlist and played it on low. on of my favorite songs is currently playing, strange by celeste. isn't strange? how people can change from strangers to friends, friends into lovers, and strangers again. that line fucking breaks me. i pulled into a gas station to fill the tank and to get some snacks. i am tired and it's only nine pm. the first thing i noticed when i walked in is a group of teenagers how great i beg that they don't notice me. i somehow can never catch a break but also i can't say no. i don't have my body guard with me i told them it wasn't needed and it was a quick round trip. i tried to hide my face the best i could minding my own business getting an energy drink for the road. i scanned my items and barely made it out until-

"billie! billie! can i take a photo with you?" a girl in the group asked

billie! billie! billie! all i ever hear is billie! but i guess i could make somebody's day today, they're lucky i am not in a bad mood. i turned around smiling.

"of course!"

i leaned in to take the picture the girl was around 15 she was very cute luckily not crying or screaming in my face, and listen crying and screaming is so cool when we are in fan areas! like meet and greets and outside venues and stuff but please not in the general public. we talked for a couple minutes and i hugged her again. heading back to the car and leaving before anyone else could see me. being famous is a great experience don't get me wrong but it is fucking exhausting. endless interviews, endless press, endless hats no matter who you are. i could fucking end homelessness and still get hate. i fucking breathe and get hated on. Ive been hiding better than i usually have though. there haven't been any paparazzi photos of me in weeks. it's amazing not seeing pictures of you that you didn't know were taken on the internet. my fans, my fans are a very diverse set of people and i'm not talking about race i'm talking about in the way the function. they like to classify themselves by what social media platform they use so like instagram, tiktok, twitter, fucking facebook. the main people that seem to have a problem with each other are the people on instagram and the people on twitter i don't know why they are literally all accounts for the same person..me. i'm on instagram mainly some of them are funny some of them are weird just like any other side of anything. i'm also on twitter not that any of them know. there are bad people to every thing and man i genuinely thought twitter would have some mean mfs. but no they are like everyone else crying over me posting a really bad selfie. except they all bond over it without me being properly on there?? it's fucking weird. anyways i can tell i completely lost track of time in my own thoughts because i was already in highland. i parked in front of quinn's house and she was still sleeping. i guess these last few days really wore her out because she barely slept through them. i managed to get some sleep but she'd be up at ungodly hours looking up how severe her moms case was. Trying not to wake her i picked her up in my arms and surprisingly i could easily lift her. she was still sleeping so i lightly knocked on the door and her friend lexie opened it.

"oh my god she didn't make it did she?" she asked whispering

i shook my head no

"can you show me to quinn's room please?" i asked quietly

she helped me get quinn into her bed and she was fast asleep. i tucked her in with her blankets and i went downstairs. lexie made me a tea and we talked for a little bit.

"how was it?" she asked

"it was pretty bad. she barely got any sleep those three days so she's going to be down for a while" i said sipping my tea

"that's horrible, did anything else happen?"

i was hesitant to tell her but quinn always talks about lexie being like one of her big sisters. I think i trust her enough to tell her what happened and i read somewhere that when you are sleep deprived and depressed you don't remember much, which is sad because i hope she remembers that night. the morning after we never got a chance to talk about it. i won't be so surprised if she doesn't though.

"well i'm there is one thing but i have to ask you something first." i said

"what's up?"

"does quinn like girls?" i asked

"well, she's had experiences with them before, but she doesn't seem quite interested in dating them" she bluntly said

"oh" i sounded disappointed i mean i was, was i?

"why, do you?"

" i don't know.. i'm think i do? i'm not sure i've been confused this last year"

"what happened" she said sitting down next to me

"we kissed. i don't think it meant anything so it's probably not important anyways o shouldn't have brought it up"

"listen billie, usually i'd say that quinn doesn't mean shit she does but i gotta be honest with you when i first heard her talk about you her eyes fucking sparkled. i'm not even kidding she got all giggly and happy when she talked about you something i've only seen once when she was like ten talking about the new boys on the X factor back in 2010 which was literally one direction. i gotta give it to ya billie shes into you especially when i saw how happy she became that day at the basketball court."

lexie left me there and went into the living room. does quinn really think about me like that? i smiled at the thought of it. i went back upstairs and laid next to her. when she sleeps she's so beautiful get so unaware of it. i can't really rant the way i want to i'll just post something simple on my story.

im feeling things i shouldn't be feeling

kiss me