tough - BE

24

Don't blame someone for something they didn't do. Maybe Lexie is right maybe I did self sabotage. I didn't know it at the time, I did miss him. But I don't and didn't love him. I love Billie. My mom told me it didn't matter how early it was in the relationship when you know you just know. Love is a weird thing that doesn't really have an explanation. It's hard to understand. My dad liked Scott a lot because he is a big football fan, he was disappointed when my brother Malik joined basketball instead. My mom always hated him, she'd say he wasn't good for me, I could do better and I needed to find someone my age he's only 3 years older than me my mom has some weird thing about it. But in a way she was right about all the other stuff. He told me I was selfish said I didn't love him enough. Can you blame me? He always made everything a competition and like Billie it didn't just click. It never did click honestly. He was my first boyfriend but he was always too busy to take me out on dates or too tired to. Deep down I'm a romantic. Watching movies, reading books I always found a way to imagine situations more romantic than they were described to be. Which maybe made things toxic for me if I wasn't being loved I just imagined I was to make me happier, or I used Tv shows, Movies, and books to escape from reality. I wish I could direct movies and stuff but to make them exactly like the book. Especially music videos every time I listen to music I imagine exactly what the song is making me feel. I think I got a little off topic I'm still sad. And pissed at Scott for ruining the one thing I had going for me. Usually in time of mental breakdown Id be in billies arms but this time the breakdown is about not being in billies arms which is not necessarily the best situation to be in. Anyways I'm at therapy right now I scheduled an emergency meeting. But i'm not really talking I'm just sitting here in silence while the therapist asks me what's wrong and why I scheduled this.

"I think I fully lost the one person I love and I know i only knew her for under a year but making a connection that quickly is something extremely out of the ordinary for me and I don't like change. Everything around me is changing ever since that one person left my life a couple days ago. I'm bot handling it very well" I blurted out

"Well love is a very touchy subject nobody knows what they're talking about or how to describe how they feel. Love is a broad word with many different feelings"

I got a new therapist, her name is Willow. She's pretty cool my old one got fired for doing drugs. Wild..

"Like you can't love food the way you love a human but you can still say you love food"

I don't know why I said that I've been pretty weird these past couple of days

"That's a weird analogy but yeah that's how it works. What is the first thing you think of when you think about this boy you loved that you had to let go?" Willow asked

"Girl"

"What?"

"Its a girl. She's a girl you said boy also how is this relevant? " I said fidgeting my hands

"Oh i'm sorry about that. And it's relevant because I want to see if you really care. Now tell me what is the first think you think about when you think of her?"

"Her eyes. She has these blue eyes that always seem like they're a different olor each time she she's her hair. But I know they're blue. Her eyes sparkle when she talks about something that makes her happy and she also has little wrinkles whenever she smiled really big oh and her smile. Her smile is the best it's so comforting and contagious you can't look at her smile and not smile also her personality itself is very intriguing she wants to make every person feel loved and protected even if she doesn't know them, she has a strange sense of humor but I laugh anyways. And she cries at movies like Marley and me she loves animals especially horses..i'm sorry you said the first thing I think I said more than that"

I apologized realizing I could talk about the simple things Billie does that I find cute or that I get happy about. She can steal your heart in a week I don't know how she does it.

"I like knowing that there's something that makes you happy. What I don't like is you lost that one thing and it doesn't seem like you can get it back. Have you tried to reach her at all?"

"Uh yeah I texted her a lot these past couple of days and she just left me on read she deleted the picture he posted of me on instagram when we first started dating and nobody knew, nobody knows we dated actually just close friends. I don't think she wants to see me like ever" I sighed

"That's a shame you seem to really like her"

"I do, my friend says that I subconscious decided to work with my ex to see what would happen. Now i'm worried that this was all my fault"

"I see where your friend is coming from but if you feel guilty about the possibilities maybe it wasn't you, we'll never know your true intentions unless you are sure of them either. Take a break you look like you haven't slept in days"

" I haven't i've been glued to my phone waiting to see if she'd respond. But nothing. What if I got months without talking to her or seeing her. I remind her every day now that I love her and she just leaves me on seen what do i do I can't take it anymore" I said whining into my hands

"Sleep. Leave her alone you texting her non stop isn't going to help you. The more space she gets the more likely she may talk to you. It's all about the space."

"Okay i guess" i said starting to leave

"make sure to sleep!!!!"