tough - BE

12

im not capable of human love blah blah blah, though i was before! my sense of "love" really faded when i got cheated on by who i thought was my soulmate. soulmates aren't real either! you make one choice that leads to another that leads to a situation you can't control! you make one mistake it haunts you forever and that's it. sure there's one person who you care about deeply that makes you confused about your sexuality, you interpretation of love and-

"making up random statements that are philosophically incorrect isn't going to help convince you that love isn't real" my therapist said

"i said that all out loud?" i asked

"yes"

i've been going to therapy since last year i finally got a health insurance that covered it and it turns out therapists make great friends! especially when they were your teammate in the varsity team in high school. She was my only senior friend when i was a freshman and we were in the same basketball team. Now she's my therapist which is..quite awkward for both of us. but i really think the therapy is not working. all i do is complain about how i don't think love is real.

"tell me about billie how did telling her about your feelings went" she said changing the topic

"it went pretty well to be honest but we just ended up making out" i said bluntly

"so what the hell are you guys now??"

"friends with benefits"

"yeah our time is over oh my fucking god" she laughed

"what'd i say this time?" i sighed

"you are unhealthily coping about your last relationship by telling yourself love isnt real and nothing really matter and instead of telling billie how you really feel you made out with her which to be honest is something i would've done with my boyfriend too but i'm supposed to tell you healthy ways to do it and that's not really healthy. also jesus quinn find a way to be less horny"

i don't know why i went to a professional therapist who is only professional with people she doesn't know. half of the time i'm just crying to her while playing video games which i mean is cool and all but she gets payed to do that. i just get so called help. anyways last night billie and i did stuff. stuff that is none of your business quite frankly but it was very nice stuff. Enough about the stuff. we both know neither of us are happy with the friends with benefits label but also we both know neither of us are ready to be in a relationship, we're both kinda lowkey broken at the moment. Right now i am going to pick my cap and gown for my graduation next week which i will be inviting billie too. if only my mom could've stayed for a little longer she would've seen me walk down the aisle. not that aisle the school one YOU KNOW. i got my gown and went to starbucks to get coffee. the day has been pretty uneventful. i was going at a traffic stop when i saw a huge crowd of people usually that's bad but it's a usual day in  los angeles. i put the top of my roof down cause it was a hot ass day the crowd was yelling something. DILLY!  PILLY? oh my god they were yelling billie. billie dumbass doesn't always go out with her guard like she's supposed to so drove to the street and saw her trying to get to where she was going without being trampled. i honked twice to catch her attention but she didn't see. i honked again still nothing.

"GIRL GET YO ASS OVER HERE!" i yelled

finally catching her attention and drawing the attention from her to me. the crowd saw her running towards the car and looked confused as to who she was running towards. to catch you up to something other than my personal messy life i'll catch you up on my professional life! ive gotten a bit of traction with one of my songs "of my dreams" it didn't necessarily blow blow up but i went from 18k on instagram to around 45k which is absolutely insane. i want to work independently for a little so i haven't agreed to any label offers. anyways back to what's happening i unlocked the car door and she hopped in.

"what's up A list celebrity who needs to tell her body guard where she is?" i said passive aggressively joking

"just drive dude"

she's in a bad mood. i can tell. im not good at describing things so here's what she was wearing

we were doing so good yesterday man why she in a bad mood. you know what i need to remind myself that people have bad days.

"not even a thank you atleast?" i asked softly driving off

she sighed and said thank you. man, what pissed. her off this much. i was planning to drive her home at first before i found out she was in a bad mood but decided hey i know what can cheer her up.

"there is nothing like some nice cold vegan ice cream to cheer someone up huh" i said pulling up to the shop

if i'm being honest with you i absolutely gag at the thought of vegan ice cream the fuck do they put in there man? but i like seeing her smile so anything the billie. i saw a small smile creep up on her face even though she was trying to hide it. we walked in and she got a mint chocolate chip and i got a vanilla cause that's almost edible. we sat at a table outside and there she was barely picking at her ice cream.

"oh come on, what's wrong b"

"nothing" she sighed

i reached over and grabbed her hand. she was looking down and i leaned in a little so she could look at me.

"tell me"

"i don't know it really is nothing it's just one of those days you know where your feelings get the best of you, you know?" she explained

I hate those days, you feel separated from the rest of the world and nothing that normally makes feel a sense of joy is making you happy. On those days no matter how hard someone tries to make the day better for you it never works, until you wake up the next day appreciative that someone really took the time out their day to do that. My big brother used to do that a lot for me before he moved out and got married. I don't really like his wife she makes me uneasy but whatever makes him happy i guess. I assume Finneas does that for billie whenever they hang out but right now I want to be that person for her. I know now while it's happening she will seem unappreciative but whatever makes her happy the next day is enough for me.