Burden // LS STORY

Part 19.

I let an entire month slide by, Harry and I hadn't spoken at all since the park. I didn't have anything to say to him.

It was clear, he and I weren't good together, if you truly care about someone, you don't attack their weaknesses, you don't hit them where you know it's going to hurt, that's not love.

I finished up the remainder of the week at mum's house, they were great about everything, mum got the hint that our chat didn't go too well, and was great, she didn't press for any details, she just told me she was proud of me and to always believe in myself and trust my gut. And that's exactly what I was doing. I knew all too well that the person I end up with, the one who stands by me forever, is going to stand with me to fight my demons, not stand on the sideline egging them on.

We dodged each other in the hallways and ignored each other in classes, turns out it is extremely easy to become a ghost to someone if you really try hard enough. I guess it helps when they dodge you just as much.

I was currently sat in the trees near boundary, taking long intense drags on my smuggled cigarette. I managed to hide these from matron and the guards since returning home from mums. Gave me the opportunity for sneaky little sessions when I wanted an escape.

"Can we talk?" a familiar voice comes from behind me.

"Yeah, go on, sit down" I agree, offering him a cigarette from my pack. Just like the good old days.

"How you been man?" he asks, knowing full well the answer, but I guess we need to get the small talk out of the way.

"Zayn, why don't you just tell me what's on your mind lad?" I chuckle, Zayn didn't have the greatest communication skills at the best of times, let alone trying to start a conversation with someone he hadn't spoken to in over a month.

He chuckles back at me, taking a long drag of his cigarette. "I wanted to apologise you know, it's been weird not being around you." He confesses. "I miss you." He adds.

I shake my head in amusement through a curtain of smoke from my last exhale. "You miss me?" I tease. "Don't blame you"

He extends his leg out and kicks me in the side of the knee. "Prick."

I laugh at him throwing a small pile of leaves at him like a small child.

"Don't worry about it" I mumble though.
Although he was a dick about it, I couldn't really blame him, if I found out that he was gay after all this time thinking I knew him, I'd probably go off the deep end too.

"So, things with you and Styles then? No more?" He asks.

I eye him off taking a long inhale of my butt. "Yeah, that's over." I confess.

"So, does that mean you're not gay anymore?" he questions with a general tone to his voice. This lad was serious.

I chuckle under my breath. "Don't think it works like that" I mock.

"I heard he fucked Kyle, that's a rough blow on you, I mean, I'm no fag, but your way better looking than Kyle!" he snickered. "the dude fake tans and shaves his legs!"

I shake my head and laugh at his descriptions, but I furrow in on one word. "Can you, not, use that word?" I beg

He looks at me confused.

"Fag" I add. "It just sounds so, cruel." I confess, I know I use to throw the word around before I knew who I was, but you really don't understand the impact a simple name can have, when it's been tossed upon you with attempts to inflict pain and insult.

"Sorry." He apologised in a low tone, almost sounding disappointed in himself.

I chuckle to lighten the mood. "oi, don't stress. It's cool. But yeah, I'm much better looking than Kyle." I add out of mockery.

It felt nice to have Zayn back. I hadn't been able to really connect with any of the lads around here since Harry. Niall and Nick were still friendly, but you could tell it was an awkward position for them to be in, and I didn't blame them.

"You're going to absolute shit yourself when you find out who I've been hanging with." Zayn chirps.

"What kind of an expression is that?" I furrow.

"What?" he turns his nose up at me.

"I'll shit myself?" I repeat, bursting into a sarcastic laughter afterwards.

He replies, "I'm sure it's a saying."

"I don't think it is" I jeered.

He shrugs his shoulders and continues on anyway. "Well, you'll never guess who I'm mates with now!" he repeats again, leaving out the weird expression.

"Kyle?" I answer in sarcasm.

He screws his face up at me. "What! Ewe, no! Liam." He answers.

I raise my eyebrows. "Fucking no way!" I gasp, not in an angry tone, just a surprised one.

"He's actually a real decent lad, I think you'd like him, if you put the football stuff aside." He suggests.

At this point, I really don't care about any of my prior squabbles with people, when you hold them against what I'm going through now, everything else just seemed so pitiful to worry about.

"Yeah, I'll give him a go" I agree.

"Did you need to talk about you and Styles?" Zayn suddenly flips the conversation back.

I look at him for a moment, Zayn and I never had in depth conversations, we never spoke about our feelings or allowed the other to lean on us for emotional support. I guess he really did feel bad for the way he acted.

"Not much to say" I lie, I had plenty to say, but I wouldn't even know where to start.

"Look Lou, I definitely don't understand the whole, boy and boy relationship thing, but I do know what it's like to lose you out of my life, and from what I've been hearing. Harry isn't doing too well. Maybe you should try talking to him?" I was shocked by the genuine words coming from him.

"Thanks Zayn" I mumble.

The alarm sounds for start of next period, Zayn and I quickly finish off our cigarettes and dispose of them in the trash on our way up to Chem. I have to stop by my room to get my books, so I inform Zayn that I'll meet him there.

I push past a tide of people; I was obviously going against the current on this one as many shoulders knock into me on my way.

I get to the room and fetch my things, I hated how bulky these textbooks were, made the entire process of knowing I had to study this thing for exams that much more painful.

I noticed that my roommate, Isaac was sitting awkwardly on his bed, feet planted on the ground, starring off at the door I just entered in from.

He always did give me a weird vibe; I could never really understand much about him.

"Hey lad, you alright?" I decide to acknowledge him, as he does look a little down at the moment, I didn't make eye contact however, just continued gathering up the things I needed for Chem.

The moment I heard the safety sound click, and a single shot fired, I knew things had taken a massive turn.