Burden // LS STORY

Part 14.

A week later.

"Honey, it's so good to have you home!" Mum gushed at me as soon as I walked through the door, barely allowing me time to actually step inside before taking a hold of me in her arms.

"Good to see you too mum" I reply as I use my one free hand to wrap around her.

"Louis!" My youngest sisters call from the living room as they come running through.

I really hadn't even been gone that long, I started majority of the way through the semester, so I didn't have to wait long before being allowed back home. I didn't really have time to miss it before being back. But at the moment, I've never been more thankful to be away from the place.

"Go freshen up, you must be exhausted from your trip, I'll start dinner" Mum informs me as she takes my bags from me. I had a whole lot of dirty laundry that needed doing so I would definitely have to try and con mum into doing that for me before I left.

As I get upstairs and into the bathroom, locking the door behind me, I take a moment to gaze at my reflection in the mirror. Staring back at someone who I didn't even recognise anymore.

The lining of my eyes finally being able to leak the liquid that had been holding back for so long whilst I put a brave face on for mum.

I quickly wipe them, not wanting to admit my current heartache.

I turn on the shower and rid myself of the clothes that were held on my body, clothes that Harry had purchased for me during our first town visit. I was surprised mum didn't say anything about them when she saw me. I have owned the same items of clothing for years now and she knew every still piece that I had. The slightest difference and mum would have picked up on that, she was like that.

I am hesitant to look up at my reflection knowing that now my shirt was gone, evidence would be visible. Imprints that I wasn't yet ready to face. I was too ashamed. Too disappointed in myself.

I choose not to look. I duck the line of vision and step straight into the warmed water of the showerhead. Wincing slightly as the water hit the vulnerability that was impaled into my skin. My take my fingerprints across the lines on my arm first, then to the ones that lit up the area near my hip bone. I held my breath to contain the silent cries that attempted to escape from the markings that decorated my back.

As I let the water wash across my hair and down my face, as I close my eyes and give in to its attempt to wash away my sins.

The droplets from the shower melted in with the ones that were escaping my eyes and in this moment was my time to give in to emotions.

I was alone with my thoughts, alone with my demons. The overwhelming thoughts of missing you comes in waves and right now, I'm drowning.

My back slid down the wall and once I hit the floor, the reality of the situation I had gotten myself in made itself evident. Not even the water from the shower could hid the tears anymore, they were too powerful to disguise my pain, and the pain is just a constant reminder that it was my reality, a reality I was not ready to accept.

I didn't hear the sound of the knocks coming from the bathroom door until I was startled by mum standing on the outside of the shower calling my name. I couldn't answer her though, my heartbreaking was creating a hyperventilation in my breaths that made it impossible to speak.

I felt the water being shut off as coldness bounced off my skin and mum was wrapping a towel around me, helping me up to my feet.

"Louis, baby, what is going on? Talk to me." I could hear the urgency in her voice.

The only way I knew to answer was to just sob into her shoulder whilst she held me. She held me so tightly in her grip but unlike it did as a child, it wasn't taking away any of my pain, it wasn't making anything better. It wasn't fixing me.

"Louis, please honey, you're scaring me." She mumbled again into my ear that sat just in line with her mouth.

"I'm - I'm gay mum" I stumble out my confession.

She looks down at me with a slight chuckle. "Oh honey, that's okay. That is wonderful news!" She attempts to sooth, thinking that was why I was so distort, unknowing that was only the tip of my iceberg.

I shake my head into shoulder as she rubs her hand up and down my back, my towel covering the lower half of me.

"Louis, honey, that's no reason to be so worked up, you know I love you regardless of who you love. I think it's wonderful baby." She uttered.

She led me out of the bathroom and into my own room where she sat me on the bed and fetched me some clothes from my drawer.

I held my head in my hands attempting to contain my emotions, but it was near impossible, it's like the moment I decided to let the tears out, they were never going to stop.

"Here honey, get dressed before you get cold." She insisted throwing a pair of track pants and a shirt at me. She turned to face my bookshelf giving me a hint of privacy to get changed.

I complied and threw them on, was little awkward sitting butt naked in front of my mother.

She turned around when she heard me throw the towel into the hamper near the door. I had already sat myself back down on the bed when she came to join me. She held my hand in hers. "Have you met someone?" she asked in a soft tone.

I nod my head.

"Does he go to your school?" she adds.

I nod again.

"Well, I think it's wonderful sweetheart. Why are you so upset? Did you think I was going to disapprove?" she questions in a concerned way. Like my answer was somehow going to hurt me.

I look down at her and shake my head.

I never thought my mum would ever disapprove of any of my decisions, even though she put me in the school because of my behaviour, she only ever had my best interests at heart, it wasn't a personal attack. My mother was the most selfless person alive; she wouldn't disapprove anyone for anything, let alone a sexual preference. So, it never crossed my mind that mum would disapprove.

"Good" she exhales in relief. "Why are you so upset Lou?" she continues to press for me to talk to her.

"His name is Harry." I inform her, I didn't even know if I wanted to her about him, it was too confusing.

"Harry" she repeats with a smile on her face, looking almost proud. "I'd love to meet him" she adds.

And with that, my brief moment of containment was washed away, and I began sobbing uncontrollably again letting my head fall into her chest as she wraps her arms around me.

"Oh Louis, what is going on?" she whispered as she stroked her hands through my hair.

"I fucked up mum" I mumble through sobs.