Burden // LS STORY

Part 35.

Katie, Kyle and I had been friends since as long as I can remember, our mothers use to work together at the local grocer and when they fell pregnant with me and Kyle, it was like it just glued them together forever.

We were only ever good friends for so long, until we reached puberty and suddenly Kyle's little sister, no longer became the little sister in my eyes. I began to notice her beauty and things about her that really stood out to me.

Our parents use to always joke that we would most likely get married one day, so I guess part of me felt like I had this obligation to be with her.

When we were 14, we went out on our first date. It was in the treehouse that we use to all play in as kids and we just ordered take out and shared our first awkward kiss.

Things were great for the first year but I was heading off to Campbell when I turned 15 and I think that's where it all started to go wrong.

Katie and I had never slept together, we were always too young, obviously, but it was just something that we both knew we weren't ready for.

By the time my 16th birthday came at Campbell, I was becoming more and more interested in the sexual side of things, but no conversation with Katie was going to convince her that she was ready for it yet. She is a year younger than us, so I understood.

During a dorm party one night, I had my first joint and ended up getting sucked off my one of the freshmen behind the entry steps.

It was my very first taste at anything sexual, and it was from a guy.

I really enjoyed it, obviously, but the minute I was introduced to the drug, I became addicted. I was suddenly horny all the time and couldn't get enough of it.

I had to make sure I kept it all on the down low, because Kyle and I were like brothers, we did everything together so if he found out I was getting sucked off behind the steps, it would have caused some awkward issues.

Katie turned 16 the month after Christmas and she gifted me with my 2nd base action. The most we had ever done. She went down on me and let me go down on her and whatever else, but something just didn't feel right.

I wasn't as into it as I was with the guys I was getting it from at the school.

Well, a few nights after that, Kyle caught me getting head of his boyfriend. I didn't realise that they were dating, I honestly didn't know, but Kyle refused to believe me.

So, this obviously sparked several issues.

One because I was his best friend and I had betrayed him by getting with his boyfriend.

And two, I was dating his sister, so he essentially caught me cheating on her.

He told her, obviously, and it all blew up. That's the breakup that Niall was referring to. I confessed to everything and told her that I thought I may have been bi. I didn't want to skip straight down the gay round, I thought that would have been a kick in the teeth to her, considering that we had only just experienced our first sexual activity together.

We split up and it was all, I guess, sorted for a few weeks.

Kyle and I managed to smooth things over because he found his boyfriend going down on someone else a week later, so he kind of took a lot of the blame off me which was nice.

Katie and I got talking again, she wrote me at the school and apologised for overreacting. She started explaining all these crazy theories that she had concocted in her head about how I was just sexually frustrated and became use to getting it off guys so when it came from a girl it confused her, and that it was all her fault because she shouldn't have held me back for so long and whatever.

I bought into it and agreed to meet her for coffee on our next town day.

We patched things over and agreed to start fresh, but I had to promise to not receive head from anyone inside the college and that she would be happy to meet me every town day to, relieve, me.

She was the girl I was meant to be meeting when I was with you. I know I said her name was Olivia, but I was just paranoid that you would have somehow worked out that she was Kyle's sister.

I knew you were getting close with Niall and Nick and I didn't know if they could have said anything, so I just threw a random name out there.

I obviously, didn't keep the conditions she put into line. I was sitting getting sucked off at least 3 times a week. But her and I, I thought, weren't like officially back together, I thought we were just like, chilling, seeing how it all was going. But she was quick to inform me otherwise giving me a whole bunch of boyfriend stuff on Valentines Day.

Then you showed up Louis and I was meant to meet her for town day and I just didn't want to. Truthfully, I had forgotten about her all together that whole day until she rang.

I was so captivated by you and then when we got together in confinement, it was a done deal. I was so yours it wasn't funny. I planned on meeting up with her on the next town day to split up with her, but you and I got in a fight and she was unable to come up. So, it got delayed.

And then Kyle.

Losing him was insane, I had known him my entire life and also because of everything with Katie, I just didn't know how to hurt her again.

I couldn't.

As much as I didn't love her in the ways that she wanted me to. In the ways I thought I did at the beginning of our relationship, I loved her so much like a little sister.

The moment Kyle died, I went into protective big brother mode and I wanted to protect her from any hate.

She would sit on the phone with me for hours after it just crying.

I don't know Louis; I just couldn't hurt here after that.

But you and me. I never expected us to develop this so quickly. I never thought that you and I would get to the place we are at.

Yes, I was in a relationship with Katie for a long time, but I never felt like this. I never felt for her the way I feel for you. I meant it Louis, when I said I loved you. I meant it with everything I have in me. And when you reminded me that I said it to her too, it broke me. Because the way in which I said it to you, and the way in which I said it to her, they mean two completely different things. They are coming from two completely different sections of my heart and I need for you to believe me. I know I have done so wrong in protecting your trust, but my feelings toward you is something I've never been able to manipulate because I've never been able to control it in the first place.

Going through so long in my life not really knowing who I was or why I was feeling particular ways about particular people, and just letting whatever was walking around pleasure me, was a lifestyle I became accustomed too. But the moment I am with you. I have no questions.
You are the answer to absolutely everything Louis.

All of my worries, all of my insecurities, all of my doubts were all washed away the minute you allowed me to be yours.

The minute you walked into my life, I found peace.

I found home.

A place I was afraid would never exist.

I love you Louis Tomlinson, more than I thought was possible to love another human.

We have been through hell and back together in such a short period of time and I think that's why I fell so quickly for you. I'm sorry if that scares you, but I said I was going to be honest.

I'm terrified of losing you that I think sometimes I hold on so tightly trying to stop you from escaping my grip, but in the process, I saw you slipping through my fingers before I realised.

I'm so sorry I hurt you. It's the last thing I ever wanted to do.

I just can't possibly imagine ever losing you now.

You're all I have.