Burden // LS STORY

Part 34.

I walked for hours, with no direction and no purpose. I just blindly strolled the streets searching for answers to questions I hadn't even asked.

Harry loved me.

Harry confessed his love in the middle of my breakdown.

I had kept in expressing my love for him, waiting for the perfect moment, but maybe I was naïve, maybe there is no such thing as waiting for the perfect moment. Sometimes the moment finds us. But this, was far from perfect.

I worried myself that when I finally did tell Harry that I loved him, he wouldn't feel the same way. And what if he didn't? What if confessing his love for me was his way of trying to convince me to stay, saying whatever he needed in order for me to not leave him there and then.

Did he mean it?

Had he been thinking about it for a while?

But then I trace back to listening in on the phone call, how he told her that he loved her. How he called her baby. Everything that I thought was special in our relationship, had been repeated with someone else. Someone who wasn't me.

I had never told anyone I loved them. I had never called anyone any sort of pet name. I was never close enough to anyone to let that side of me come down.

I was so lost in what to do. My mind wandered through so many scenarios, so many different ways in how to work through this. Could we even work through it?

I loved Harry, even through all of this, I loved him so much. I guess the stresses of this made me realise how much I did love him. And how the thoughts of him having these feelings for anyone else was driving me insane.

Through every scenario I went through, I found myself returning to one point in particular, there was only one thing that was going to fix all of this.

Katie.

I couldn't leave this until next week. I needed this fixed now.

Whatever conversation he was planning to have with her next week, it needed to happen before then. I wouldn't be able to continue and enjoy his company whilst all of this was going on.

But I felt bad for her through all of this. She had no clue; she was as blind as me.

But she would be the one who would lose Harry, and I couldn't even imagine that.

I wonder if Harry would let me talk to her, or at least be there.

I couldn't even bring myself to be mad at her, I didn't. I couldn't pinpoint an area here where she had done wrong. She hadn't.

All she did was fall for a boy who couldn't love her back.

I'm sure she was amazing; I am sure she was absolutely everything he could have thought he wanted. I wanted to believe him when he said that he was confused about his sexuality before me, that meeting me and getting to know me, somehow cleared it all up for him. But it had been 2 months.

Surely, he could have found time between all that to speak with her.

I needed to know more, I needed to know everything about their relationship. The control spark in me was on overdrive and I found myself wanting to educate myself on all of it.

Like at a car crash site. There are some people who look away and others who continue to look.

The way someone's fight or flight reflexes come in during a situation. I was in fight mode.

I wanted to look.

I wanted to see absolutely everything.

I wanted the truth more than anything.