Burden // LS STORY

Part 38.

Harry refused to see us the next day, he was sat with his sister in the ICU unit and when a nurse went in to inform him of our arrival, she asked for us to give him some time and space.
Harry was pushing me away; I could feel it.

I don't know for what reason though; I didn't know whether it was because he didn't want me around anymore? Was it because he held me responsible for Katie? Was because he didn't want to display weakness in front of me?

I really didn't know, but for whatever reason, he didn't want to see us that day.

Mum and I spent the day in Holmes Chapel in case Harry changed his mind, but there was no luck.

I walked around the small shopping district for a while whilst mum caught up with Miss Santorini. I didn't think it would be a very good idea if I was there for that. A little awkward considering the situation, was bad enough my mum going but they could chat, mother to mother.

The car ride home mum was wise enough to not discuss the elephant. It broke my heart that Harry didn't want to see me. But if truth me known, I still don't know all that much about Harry and I had no idea what his grieve responses are like.

Just another learning curve in our relationship, but this was a lesson I really wasn't understanding.

A whole week passed, the week that was full of so many plans so quickly turned to me sitting by my phone waiting for his call, that never came.

My car was returned to me in the middle of the night not long after we were there to visit. But I never saw Harry; he must of had someone follow him down here to give him a lift back.

Mum had kept in touch with Miss Santorini and she was keeping us updated on the situation and states of the Styles family, including Harry.

Apparently he never leaves the hospital, lives on coffee and cafe food and refuses to see anyone. Even her.

His grandparents help keep him mildly sane and bring him fresh clothes and sanitary items to stop him smelling of a waste disposal item. But other than that. He's not doing anything.

I don't even know if I would call that 'coping'.

So many calls and texts went unresponsive and I was taken back into a place I hadn't been in since before I left for school.

I was a burden.

To everyone.

I was moping around here missing Harry so I was a burden to mum, especially when I was only meant to be here a week.

I was a burden to Harry because of how consistent and pathetic my messages sounded.

I was a burden to the Santorini family, because I was always just going to be that other boy.

I was having bad self consciousness at the way Harry was acting toward me now and how that must look toward the Santorini family.

That Harry left their daughter for someone he doesn't even want to see now.

They knew of my rejection.

And I feared them laughing at me behind closed doors.

I just felt like a burden everywhere I went.

I didn't want to call Niall, Zayn or Liam, I worried they would feel like I was using them now Harry wasn't around. I knew they would have agreed to hang out with me, but my insecurities were leading the way this time, and heading me straight back to the spiral I never knew I climbed from until I'd reached the top.

Kind of made the prolapse that much more noticeable.

When session break ended and it was time to fly back to Ireland, I was so hesitant and tense about what I would be walking into.

We had all agreed to fly in on the Friday so we could have the weekend in the dorms before school started again. But I didn't know what had changed since the plans were made at the zoo.

Upon returning to the dorm, I immediately went to Niall's room where he and Liam were already there unpacking their things.

" Tomlinson!" Liam shouts as he races over embracing me in a hug. I had almost forgot we established a friendship the last time we saw each other. But I couldn't help catching a strong scent drifting from him.

"Are you drunk?" I ask amidst a chuckle.

He transfers me a cheeky grin pinching his thumb and index finger close to each other " that may be a possibility" he chuckles.

I shake my head in human at him as he takes another cheeky swig from the flask he was holding.

"When's Zayn getting in?" I ask toward Niall who was placing down a new picture of he and Nick on his bedside.

"Erm don't know. Haven't spoken to him today. He shouldn't be far off. He said last night he was coming" Niall informs as he straights the picture, tucking the one one into the top drawer.

I hear chuckling getting louder as it comes closer to the door of the room. I'm quick to realise both of those voices.

Zayn and Harry.

They both come bursting through the door with huge smilies on their faces, but taking heartbreaking note of how fast Harry's disappears when he makes eye contact with me.

"Lads!" Zayn announces as he walks in hugging each of us individually.

"I'll see you in a bit" Harry quickly informs, heading back out of the room and down the fall.

My eyes flick to Zayn who already had a gaze on me. Our eyes do most of the communicating as he shrugs his shoulders.

I quickly look to all the boys who display the same dumbfound look.

It's like everyone knew something but me.

I had to go talk to him.

I race out of the dorm and down in the direction of my room, thinking that may be where he was heading.

As I flung open the door, I was right and he was unpacking his things onto the other bed. I guess we weren't sharing like we use to.

"Do you want me to request a room change?" He grumbles as I walk in.

I furrow my eyebrows in shock.

"What?! Why would I want that?" I gasp out.

He doesn't answer me, just shrugs and continues to unpack his things.

"How's your parents and sister?' I ask in curiosity.

"No change" he speaks so vaguely toward me. What have I done wrong.

"I'm here for you Harry. You know that don't you?" I take a few steps closer toward him.

He immediately freezes his unpacking staring at me with the most shocked and confused look on his face.

His eyes trail up and down me once, almost in a judging way before he slammed the suitcase shut.

"Are you?" He shouts, like he hadn't received my overflowing amounts of messages.

"What?" I gasp. "Harry of course. Why wouldn't I be? I've been calling and texting but you never answered. You sent us away when we came to see you. " I recall as if he weren't actually present for any of it.

His eyes flick urgently between mine. Attempting to find a response.

"Right" he boasts, aggressively pulling the suitcase off the bed and kicking it hard so it flies straight under the bed, bouncing off the wall it laid against.

"Harry!" I shout. "What's going on? I'm so sorry about Katie, but why are you being like this?"

He makes harsh eye contact with me again.

"You honestly going to play dumb?" He spits at me.

I was so confused.

"Harry please; what's going on?"

He shakes his head in complete anger at me heading back to our closed door, grabbing the handle and flying the door open wide.

"Harry!" I shout after him causing him to stop in his tracks.

"You never said it back Louis. And that fucking killed me" he mumbles before heading out the door and slamming it behind him.