Our Deep End | ✔️

CHAPTER 45

Elle's POV

The week progresses way too slow for my liking. It seems as though whenever I think time could not be more stale, I am quick to be proven otherwise. Even with the winter's tendency to cease daylight around five o'clock pm, it still feels like nighttime could not take any longer to arrive.

My chest maintains the sensation of caving in, but I wake up each day and it feels a little more manageable. Unwavering, but manageable. Seems as though I'm getting used to the ache of being without Christian.

I lied to my parents and told them he hasn't been around much because school is keeping him busy. I can't bring myself to admit to them that we aren't seeing each other anymore. I could hardly believe the news myself.

Instead, I am forced to keep everything locked inside like a vault. Nobody truly knew of the horror that occurs in my mind. But per usual, time does not permit me to dwell. Instead, I wake up each morning prepared to repeat the same substance-less day.

It usually starts off with me waking up before my alarm clock because I don't sleep at night, followed by a steaming hot shower. In the shower I mentally coach myself for the day, affirming a better future.

This too shall pass, I repeat over and over again.

This feeling is only temporary, nothing lasts forever.

I believe it for a good two seconds, until I step outside of the shower and the negative emotions hit me faster than the lingering cold air.

My favorite part of each day is driving to school. I leave my house each morning just before the sun rises. Great comfort consumes me as I watch the previously unlit sky slowly become stained by cotton candy colors. It's a gorgeous scenery. In a sense, watching the sunrise every morning gives me hope. Perhaps my gloomy, dark reality will soon transform into something bright and beautiful.

The few moments of peace and hope are well needed before I walk through Wilburton's double doors.

My typical thoughts when I got to school before this point usually consisted of what clubs I needed to attend in the afternoon, and course materials I needed to study.

Now all I can think of is Christian.

Whether he'll show up...whether he'll speak to me...whether he'll notice I'm wearing the jeans he always said my ass looks nice in.

Pathetic. Repulsive. Idiotic, I know. But that's the thing about feelings...you can't control them no matter how badly you wish otherwise.

It's been days since he confronted me by my locker.

I recall the hurtful words he spoke clearly, and they've been the topic of all my thoughts. Part of me thinks he only said those things in retaliation to my claims. Christian's habit to say things he doesn't mean out of anger is widely acknowledged but at the same time, the look in his eyes expressed more hurt than his words ever could.

And the worst part is, I should be pissed at him but I'm not. I can never stay angry for too long.

The following days he did make an appearance at school, but something felt off...even more so than before.

Even with us on the outs, he made his presence felt. Where before I would glance at him to find him already staring, he now hardly paid attention to me at all.

This only made me crave his attention even more.

He's likely still upset with me, which I can somewhat understand. But a feeling deep down inside sends me warning signals that something else may be wrong.