You're Gone and I've Gotta Stay High

Chapter 23

"You guys good?" I heard Jack's warm and welcoming voice ask.

We broke apart and I looked up to see Jack hanging in the door and frowning.

"Hey man..." Alex greeted him, without looking away from me.

No, his eyes stayed on me like he was scared to let me out of his sight now.

I've ruined Alex.

I've ruined his mood.

I even fucked up Jack's hand.

I've probably destroyed the whole show.

I shrunk down into the floor and pulled my knees to my chest.

"Baby?" Alex prodded.

I hid my face and took slow breaths. I felt dirty all over. I haven't been the same since Mark... that was clear. I was far more messed up than I was when I lost Alex. It was like comparing a rain storm to a hurricane. At the time, the first seems like the possible end of the world but you learn better when faced with disaster.

"Go get ready for the show, Alex... I'll see you later."

Both boys lingered, not sure if they should leave me. But I swatted them away and curled further into myself. Alex placed a kiss on the top of my head and left without a word. I heard Jack go to speak but then the door shut. I had rendered the two idiots who never shut up; speechless.

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I watched the boys perform from backstage. They were great but I could sense the lack of energy from Alex and even Jack, known affectionately by some of the crew members as "The Energizer Bunny."

The good news though, was that it didn't stop them from trying. They cracked their jokes, they jumped around, and Alex put what he could into his voice.

But it literally made me want to commit suicide knowing that Alex was less into his music tonight because of me.

I've said it a million times, I know, but Alex's passion is what makes him so beautiful. And to strip him of that, even for a night, made me feel completely unworthy of him.

How could he still love me after this?

I couldn't stop the tears from coming when Alex slowed things down and reminded me just how much he did love me. He would normally do "Therapy" and "Remembering Sunday" but he took me and the audience by surprise.

"I haven't done this one in awhile but it goes out to my girlfriend, Val. It's one of her favorites and it holds a lot of memories. I love you, babe. Here's Jasey Rae."

I kept my hand over my mouth as I watched him play his guitar and sing; doing what he does best. He would occasionally look over at me and try to smile. He really was incredible. Too incredible for me.

Who else would stand by me and be like this after what happened?

The show ended and Alex came running at me. His spirits were higher than they had been but his face fell when I backed away from him.

I should be on a game show called "How Many Times In One Night Can I Ruin Alex Gaskarth's Mood?"

"Right... I'm sorry" he mumbled, his arms falling and his head hanging low.

"I just...."

Wow, Val. Way to make everything better. "I just..." is the internationally known way of saying "don't touch me just yet but I still love you."

Alex held up his hand. "Val... it's okay."

He slowly approached me now, taking me into his arms in one motion. I rested my head against his shoulder and let my hands rest on his hips. His lips brushed my ear and I shivered.

"Thank you. For Jasey Rae."

Alex smiled and it was nice to know it was genuine. That he was smiling for real, even just for a minute.

"Do you remember the first time I played it for you?"

Of course I did.

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It was the second night of Warped Tour 2011. I had only known Alex and his band for 23 hours and I was hanging out with them again. There was something about them that kept me around.

We had a huge bonfire and it was the first time I was drinking with them. We passed around some bottles of cheap wine and whiskey and for some reason, it didn't make me sick. It tasted pleasant.

Jack kept making half-assed passes at me and Zack and Rian told me stories about him that would have made him look bad even if his attempts were better.

No, I could never see him in that way. He was just supposed to be my best friend, Jack. I knew that from the beginning when he introduced himself to me as Jack "Responsible for all of Alex's boners" Barakat.

Alex, frustrated that Jack was hitting on me, didn't speak much. But when the other three went to go get pizza, it left me an opportunity to be alone with Alex.

"You're quiet tonight" I said, scooting closer to him. He was intensely watching the fire and the glow of it burned in his brown eyes.

He chuckled a little and took a sip of beer. "This is only your second night hanging out with me. Maybe I'm always quiet."

I narrowed my eyes and Alex shrugged.

"You're like....ridiculously pretty. Like its painful to look away from you. Feels like a waste of time."

My face was hot like the fire and I fiddled with my hands. "Are you drunk?"

"This is my first beer" he said, not a hint of amusement in his voice.

"So it's a line?"

"So it's the truth."

I was far too awkward to flirt so I picked up his guitar from its resting place against the bench we were on and handed it to him.

"Just sing me something."

Alex just looked at me for a minute but a smile spread across his face and he took the guitar. He seemed to be considering what to play, and then like breathing, he started to strum.

I didn't know where to look. I watched his eyes close, his mouth move, his hands touch the strings, and the way he lost himself.

I listened to him sing that beautiful song for the first time and well damn it, it would just be a crime not to have kissed him after he finished.

"See, guys. Told you that would work" Jack announced as the three bandmates appeared again.

"No, Jack. We said it would. You just tried bad pick up lines to get Alex to admit he liked her" Rian intervened.

We all started to laugh and that was the moment I knew these guys would end up meaning the world to me.

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I grabbed Alex's hand and kissed it, right in the center of the rose. "Alexander William, thank you. Really."

I almost forgot to update today! Not having school except one day this week has really messed with my sense of time. I initially disliked this chapter but I did some editing during my Parks and Recreation binge and I think it's okay now. I always like flashbacks.

Not many chapters left but you'll probably get two on Monday because of how short the next one is and how important they both are to the story.

I hope you guys have a great weekend and hey, tell your friends about this story. I may be biased but it's a good story.

Are you guys getting anxious? You should be.

Love you all!!!