You're Gone and I've Gotta Stay High

Chapter 27

The next few days of the tour were an up and down rollercoaster of emotions.

I'd wake up and take on the day with my four babes and, well, be somewhat okay.

We'd get to the shows and Alex and Jack had their energy back and I was able to enjoy watching and singing along again.

Very rarely there would be moments where I could feel myself forget and be happy.

But then there would be the nights and times alone with Alex and suddenly whatever good I was feeling would crash and burn like wreckage.

I have nightmares every time I close my eyes and Alex has to soothe me back to sleep. This was destroying my sleep routine and sometimes I'd have a hard time staying awake during the day.

And when I was alone with Alex; that was even worse than not being able to sleep.

He took baby steps with me and it was appreciated but clearly causing tension. I'd be fine when we would start to kiss but his hands would roam and I would go into a panic.

He was understanding, of course, but I knew he was getting frustrated. In more ways than one. And maybe I was getting that way too.

Under my crippling fear of ever being touched again.

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We were currently in our bunk while the other guys were in the other room, watching Home Alone. Our shoulders were touching and our hands were interlaced but apart from that, we barely had skin contact. Alex was staring at the ceiling and his face was blank.

"Alex?"

His eyes flicked to me but back at the ceiling. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

Finally, Alex turned to me and smiled. I hadn't realized how long it's been since I said it.

"I love you too."

His eyes held my gaze but then fell to my mouth. I parted my lips and nodded, just wanting him to kiss me. He softly touched his lips to mine for a nanosecond and then rolled back down to continue staring at the ceiling.

Apparently he was done trying to get any further. I don't know if I should be relieved or upset. Even if I wasn't ready, I missed Alex in that way. And trust me, you would too if you'd ever slept with him.

I groaned and flipped over on my stomach. Alex didn't say anything or move. But then I felt his hand slide down my back and smack my ass. I jumped and looked over at him. He was chuckling and had his finger on his lips.

"Sorry baby. Couldn't resist."

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Alex has reached his breaking point. After the show tonight, he went in to hug me and a sudden flash of Mark invaded my mind and I stepped away, accidentally letting a plea for him to get away from me escape my lips.

His arms fell and his face went emotionless. Jack, Rian, and Zack stared at us and Alex shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Let's go to the bus and talk. Guys... give us a bit."

At first, we were silent. We just stood, facing each other, and leaning against the small walls of the bus.

"Val, I want you to get some help. You went through something traumatic and you need to talk about it."

I puffed out my chest and my cheeks heated up. How could he say that to me? That I needed help?

"Alex, I'll be fine. It just takes time."

Even I knew that wasn't true. But I didn't want to admit it.

"Valerie, no! You need to go to therapy. It's not a bad thing to admit that."

"Coming from the one who wrote a song about not needing therapy, just needing a hug."

Alex crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged.

"Well when I try to hug you, you cower away."

"One time..."

"Quite a few times and that's not even the point! The point is that now I can't even hug my girlfriend without her getting scared. I'm keeping secrets from my best friends. You can't sleep. This is destroying us both and I can't even comfort you about it!"

"I'm sorry that you can't be in a relationship with me without sex.."

Alex's eyes twitched and I swear he could have lit on fire or turned into some punk version of The Hulk.

"You're fucking insane. I didn't even mention sex but intimacy is important in a relationship, Val. And I don't want more things getting in the way of our relationship."

What I said next was probably the worst thing I could have said.

"Well if you need intimacy, I'm sure Lisa wouldn't care to help you out. And bonus, it would be nothing new ruining our relationship."

I sincerely didn't mean it, but I said it. I said it and I can't take it back.

When Alex gasped, so did I.

It was like it didn't even come out of me. He squeezed his palms slightly and shook his head.

Then he stormed out and slammed the tour bus door. I should have ran after him. Instead, I sat in the floor and started to cry.

If anything ruined our relationship, it was me. I had ruined everything.

Ruined. I said that word a lot.

Ruined.

I was ruined.

I knew that things were bad. I knew that I needed help. For God's sake, in the past few days I haven't even laughed. I haven't felt like myself and I was truly mourning that. I was mourning for how perfect things were before I went and talked to Mark at the bar that night. All that time I didn't live my life because I wanted to remember and now; I want to forget. I got up, wiped my face with the back of my sleeve, and walked to the closest drug store.

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I don't even really know what I grabbed. I just grabbed a couple of bottles and paid for them. I don't think the cashier was very bright or he would have asked about them. People don't just normally buy a bunch of different pills. Or maybe they did here. Either way, I walked out without any question.

No one was back on the bus yet so with a shaky hand and a heavy heart, I took a handful of different pills. I didn't really know what I was expecting.

Not a quiet bliss like what smoking did for me. Nothing chaotic. Maybe just blackness. My vision started to double, I had trouble getting my breath, and my fingers felt numb. I could feel my head lulling side to side. Maybe I was expecting it to kill me. Maybe I wanted it to.

I didn't want to be alive when I wasn't sure if I loved anything anymore. Not waffles every morning on the bus, not Jack's laugh, not Zack and Rian's happiness when they get as much as recognition as Alex and Jack (and believe me, they deserved it.) Maybe not even Alex.

All four of them were out of this world amazing. And I was just a burden.

Sorry this update was late!! Had a big basketball game yesterday and didn't get a chance. Now I regret going. But anyway, here was the anticipated plot twist!!!

What do you guys think? What will happen next??

This story hit 1K and I cried with excitement! You guys are amazing!!

Love you all!