Station 19 one shots

Dear Diary - Maya Bishop

Authors note. Trigger warning in the form of an eating disorder, suicidal thoughts, harassment and sexual assault towards the end

Time for introductions, Hi I am Captain Maya Bishop Olympic gold medalist and a firefighter for Seattle FD. I worked for years under legendary fire captain Pruitt Herrera on his hand picked team, I became close to his daughter Andy who is also a firefighter under her farther. I swear if my friends found out I wrote a diary I would never hear the end of it, they see me as this untouchable, tough badass that you doesn't have emotions. All in good fun of course, so thats why I keep you so hidden diary.

My best achievement has to be winning an Olympic gold medal, on a sprained ankle with her best ever time in the 1000 meter sprint at the 2012 London games. The UK (Authors note: I remember the London Olympics quite well given my age at the time so this is all from childhood memories fonds one at that. Like when we had our own Olympics at school and at Brownies/Rainbows) had gone all out in hosting the games. Everywhere, everything and everyone was decked out in Olympic fashion. I remember running into a group of the British equivalent of Girl Scouts Brownies and Girl Guides if I remember correctly and they had the Olympic symbols painted on there faces as they sold little hand made trinkets and there branded items of course. For the hell of it I bought a girl guiding key ring and a I ❤️ girl guiding badge and stitched it to my uniform. The keyring became a lucky charm really. I remember one morning eating Coco Pops and at the bottom there was a soft small bean bag almost with a team on them, I felt it was kinda cool and began collecting them. As no one else was interested I collected all of them pretty quickly they now sit in a glass cabinet back home.

After working at station 19 for (number of years) years I am surprised no one there has noticed my so called odd tendencies towards food. Even though they are practically the only family I have left they can be really non observant. Only family you might ask? No ones dead it's just I have an odd relationship with my family. I have a brother and obviously my parents, dad used to hold us up to unachievable standards. I mimicked my dad but my brother just cracked under the pressure. Eyes forward at all times the only thing that matters is the finish line, thats what he pounded into me. If I didn't achieve my average speed on a race? I would be refused food. Worst of all if I came second, I would be ignored till I came first. I was never allowed to rest it was always a strict training schedule 5:30am wake up call for morning practice, school at 9, school track training till 4 then outside school training from 4:30 to 7:30. Dinner at 8 then homework/school projects till 9 then half an hours free time before bed at 10.

Training days I would never be allowed a full meal as 'running on a full stomach damages your speed' and as only Sundays was my day off it meant every day. My family are christian's I was always an atheist but never dared say anything as Sunday mornings was my only break. The other church woman would poke fun at me always being a little on the chubby side. Chubby hey? Come look under the baggy clothes and you'd see nothing but skin, bone and muscle. This was partially the reason why I was diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia, dad certainly didn't help.

I thought by being in control of my own life I would stop and heal but I just became worse and better at hiding it. I felt awful breaking things off with Jack just to go behind everyones backs to ask for Andy's job. I never expected to actually get it. I was really unsure about how to handle it at first so I guess I pushed them like my dad pushed me. I guess now I just went to far even Andy snapped, yes in general she has a hair triggered temper but she never, and I mean never snaps.

Only then did I realise I drove a wedge between myself and 19. Though out all of it Pruitt Herrera was the rock I desperately needed in my life. Like all good things they have to come to an end eventually. With time I got better at being a captain and a friend, I eased up on my friends but took it out on myself. In all my years of battling the two eating disorders now was definitely the hardest. When we weren't on call I would wear oversized clothes to hide how skinny I was becoming day by day.

At one blaze on a high street I was standing to the side a little light headed but hid my pain for the hell of it. A little girl maybe 11 noticed me almost collapsing on scene, I bribed her with a chocolate bar not to say anything.

When that psychologist came to asses the team after Rigo I felt so nervous and on edge around her. 19 caught up on it and talked Diana into speaking with me to. Our conversation didn't start well as Diana walked in on me casually forcing myself fo throw up in my bathroom. I asked her how the team was doing and it somehow turned into how I was doing. While we were talking she accidentally knocked a few bits of paper of my desk, though she apologised and tried to help I had already gotten there first. Thats when she came right out and said it, "How long have you been battling eating disorders?" My face must of been enough for her to get the answer she needed, "What gave me away?" I muttered looking up from the floor before noticing that she had knocked you diary down with her, "According to your friends lately you've been acting really out of character you eased up on them but not on yourself that and well your wrists/arms are nothing but skin, muscle and bone and I caught you throwing up when I came in," I stood there standing dumbfounded by how truthful she was. Diana didn't sugarcoat any of it just gave it to me straight.

I didn't know how to respond. Not even Carina knew though for how long I could keep it away from her was the question.

Skipping to Covid I felt so guilty that I had ignored everyone I cared about in favour of someone who abused me. I might of broken free of my dad but not of the wound he left on my brain and heart. I had never felt more alive as when Carina and I moved in together, waking up almost every morning basking in her sent was the best. But with this came harder times to hide my disorder. I had tried to stop I really did but the vicious circle had me trapped. I was out on yet another early late night run as I had the morning off, when this fiasco happened. My head started spinning by the local park, I sat down on the bench and found it extremely hard to catch my breath.

I was taught to push through the pain so that is what I did. I stopped on a park bench and closed my eyes for a few moments or at least thats what I thought. The sun was just starting to come up over the tree line, I glanced at my watch. Shoot I'd been out for almost four hours! I got up and started the jog back home. "Hey how you doing sexy?" A man called I just ignored him and kept going but just in case I had pressed record on my phone just peaking out my top pocket enough to see what was going on, "Hey slow down. Come on slow down with ya?!" He was behind me faster than I could comprehend what was happening. With all his strength I was shoved to the ground and I felt him stomping on my left knee, a sharp flashing pain radiated through me but I refused to let it show. In my shock he began kissing me pinning me down with his body, the more I fought the more it hurt. It hurts even to write this. That jerk left me bleeding and unable to move under a large oak tree just off the main path. Darkness surrounded me quickly and I lost everything.

My friends filled me in at this point. Carina got worried that I hadn't come home but thought I had gone to the station she couldn't dwell either way. First chance she got she called 19 asking if they had seen me, they all had given her the same response we thought I was with you. Fear pumping through her she dialled 9-1-1 to report me missing to the authorities. She was crying when she hang up and no one at Grey Sloan could figure out why unless she told them.

19 took it upon themselves to find me. First using the oldest trick in the book Find My iPhone. They tracked my location to the woods then to the path. I could barely hear there voices just behind the tree, "Well her phone at least is somewhere round here," Andy said I could hear them moving back down the trail. Gathering my strength I rolled onto my back and yelled as loud as I could, "Andy?!" "Oh god dispatch we found her." Freight on my side when Travis and Warren tried to address my wounds I pulled away from them and screamed at them. "Chill Maya," "No I won't where's my phone," I muttered feeling it still where I had left it. I unlocked it and went into camera roll and brought up the video. I hesitated but pressed send to our group chat. I was fighting to stay awake as it was.

Travis and Warren with nothing to do pressed play and instantly regretted it. That is where I leave this chapter for now as if I keep writing my tears will ruin the paper someday I will be able tell this story to someone else other than you diary.

Maya Bishop