SOFT SPOT// h.s

4.4 ~ off my chest

I clasped the mug with my still shaking hands, even though the warmth from the tea had long since leached into the thick air of the dimly lit kitchen.

My mother sat across from me at the dining table, waiting patiently for me to speak. I was surprised she was still there, despite it being a few hours since my fight with Harry and I had barely said anything.

"You saw?" I had asked her nervously as I tiptoed back into the house to find her standing in the porch.

She had nodded and hadn't wasted a moment before running me a hot bath and making me a steaming hot drink.

I readjusted the towel that was wrapped around my freshly washed hair. No matter how hard I had scrubbed at my body, I wasn't able to wash the feel of him from my skin.

Had I lost him forever now? I thought that I had done the right thing, but now I wasn't so sure. Ellie needed him. And I did too.

The silence in the room was overwhelming as I rested my head on the table. I felt sick to my stomach and my hands seemed to be unable to stop trembling.

I couldn't stop thinking about him. His sunny, contagious laughter. His comforting smell. His familiar touch. The feel of his large hand enclosed over mine. The way his soft lips felt against mine and how his kiss tasted slightly of peppermint and warmth.

And I hated every inch of him, for destroying all the bones in my body. How he had corrupted my down-to-earth nature and turned it into something reckless. I hated him. I hated him. I hated him. But I loved him so much my heart ached to think about it.

My mind was a blurry haze of bewildering thoughts as I tried to make sense of everything in my head, but everything just kept coming back to the start, getting nowhere.

My mouth emitted a strangled cry as I felt a sinking feeling weighing down on my chest, crushing me, restricting my ability to breathe. I couldn't stop crying.

My head was spinning and the room was a blur, I could barely focus on my mother, who watched me worriedly as my heart began to palpitate and my breathing came in sharp, wheezing breaths.

I clutched the edge of the table with my violently shaking hands, my dizziness threatening to push me over. My every limb felt fuzzy and weak as I cried panickedly, my heart pumping harder by the second whilst the adrenaline pumped through my veins.

My throat felt tight, as if it was closing over as everything hit me all at once.
My mother watched me fearfully and slowly took a small box out of one of the kitchen cupboards and slid a single pill towards me, along with a glass of water.

I knew what this was.
Medication for panic/anxiety attacks.
Subscribed to Clary. R. Kutcher.
Take one pill as required.

I hadn't needed them in a while, but even the sight of the white, rectangular box that was filled with past memories of nightmares and terrifying events, almost made me go off again.

I gulped it down with the water and waited to calm myself down as my mother rubbed my back soothingly. She handed me a tissue for my tear stained cheeks until my breathing was just short gasps.

Silence invaded the room again as I gradually calmed down.

"Don't know what to do," I mumbled helplessly, knocking my forehead off the table continually.

My mother reached over and placed her warm hands on top of my quivering ones.

"Follow your heart Clary," she said gently, her voice comforting.

"But what if my heart is torn in pieces?" I asked her painfully. I didn't care that I sounded corny, I just had to speak my mind.

"Love is a complex concept to grasp. But I think that you should choose that path that will make you the happiest, because it isn't truly love unless you're happy," she told me, her deep brown eyes reminding me of my childhood. She always seemed to be able to say the right things and kiss the scars away.