stupid shit you don't want to read

A Spider Fell From My Curtain And Behind The Book Shelf

I spent a good five hours on one math problem. I thought finally getting the answer right would be sweeter than honey. I would feel proud and be able to fall asleep easily and not wake up feeling like an overwhelmed failure with dreams larger than my ego. I thought that figuring out this one, tedious problem would give me the same rush of excitement and pride I used to get when I was younger and math made sense and was so lovely and predictable and challenging but in the best way and delicious like a fresh slice of watermelon and I would suddenly be motivated to turn my life around and finish the rest of my homework and aim for something higher than employee of the month at a fast food restaurant. That sentence was way too long and I apologize for that. Anyways. No, nonononono i didn't get any of that. I got the same feeling I always do when i get a problem correct or an above average grade. At first, all I can think about is how easy it was to get it, and how so many other people probably didn't have to work nearly as hard for it, because they are more capable than I'll ever be. And then, I worry that people are going to start raising their expectations for me, and I can't satisfy those stupid expectations. Not unless I completely throw myself into my work and forget about eating or sleeping or giving my sisters a decent childhood. Hell, I can barely give them an ok experience growing up as it is. All I can do is let everyone down and lay awake moping about it until I'm too tired to think. G'night. Thanks for reading this stupid trash, babe. <3