stupid shit you don't want to read

God dammit

I'm doing it again. I'm pushing someone who confided in me away because of how overbearing and paranoid I am. I don't know why it always has to be this way. Why can't I just have a normal crush or a normal close friendship or just something normal. Anything. Anything predictable and simple that I'm not able to mess up with my.......intensity.

Is there a difference between . and . ? .. Nope. What about .. Yep. Hm.

I need to stop this. I'm going to scare and annoy everyone who ever paid attention to me away. It's just that I need to take care of them. They are my responsibility now and I need to make sure that nothing and no one hurts them. And this is an issue because not everyone wants somebody asking them if they're ok every step of the way. Not everyone wants random gifts and constant messages and clinginess. Not everyone wants me. The only two people who put up with my um. Issues. Are people who barely talk to me. And my cat. And my sisters but they don't have a choice. So I'm not physically alone at least.

I want to be widely liked. Or at least be needed by someone who isn't family. But I talk too much and too loudly and too quickly and im too hyper and i daydream too much and im too impulsive and im too clingy and. Sometimes I wonder how much better the world would be if I had just never been born at all.

I WANT TO SEX. I DONT WANT AN STD. I DONT WANT TO GET PREGNANT. I DONT WANT TO BE IN A STUPID ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. BUT. I AM CURIOUS, OK? AND IT FEELS LIKE ITD BE A RIGHT OF PASSAGE. AND WHO KNOWS. IT MIGHT BE FUN.

blegh im posting this before i lose my nerve and going to bed