stupid shit you don't want to read

Wow its only been three days since my last entry it feels like a month

(TW: paragraph 5 has references to self harm)

I have had this thought in my mind for a bit. And though it is not fully fledged yet i think recording its slow but steady growth will be helpful in allowing it to achieve its true form. Just gotta remind myself that i am probably completely anonymous and anyone who finds this wont care enough to look into my true identity. Here goes.

There is this girl. I used to really really like her. As in send her gifts for her birthday bake her stuff and worship the ground she walked on like her. Not because i thought id ever have a chance. We were (and probably still are) both too young for that sort of thing and and she deserves so much better than me. Just because i wanted to do everything in my power to see her smile. And yet. I would get so sad when she would hold someone else's hand. Or wouldn't respond to my messages for days at a time. And when the responses would be short and i could feel the distance growing between us. Like we were both on opposite sides of a splitting canyon, me reaching out with the dull ache of yearning, grasping at thin wisps of hope that would slip through my fingers like smoke. And her, brushing off the shock from the new gaping hole between us with ease, almost thankful for the distance. Maybe I destroyed what we had before with my blind adoration and clinginess.

Anyways. I still think she's really pretty and funny and all that. But I don't trail after her like a sad puppy anymore. Nor do I listen to Girl In Red's Midnight Love and sob because of my own pathetic longing. Not over her. I stopped listening to Cavetown a while ago. Where's my cookie for removing him from my playlists and solving racism and anti-semitism, amiright? Laughably small attempt to make a difference aside, there is still a line from one of his songs that rings true to my desperation for an unrequited romance, "I'd sell all my bones for sapphire stones, 'Cause blue is your favorite color."

Now onto my main point. If you are still reading this, I commend you on your ability to sit through my whining. In the previous paragraph i mentioned "my desperation for an unrequited romance". Is it self absorbed to quote one's own writing? Eh, this whole chapter is self absorbed. A collection of words that mirror my own reflection and no one else's. What a crappy mirror.

AS I WAS SAYING. Seeing as I am currently becoming annoyingly fond of yet another pretty girl, I have been led to the conclusion that I may enjoy the process of giving my heart a pair of wings only to tear each and every feather out with my bare hands then tearfully mangle the poor thing. As I've mentioned, I tend to get painfully bored when it comes to repeating the same monotonous routine over and over. And given that things are relatively calm in my family at the moment, of course my chemically imbalanced brain has to find a way to entertain itself. It's either commit a crime or seek out someone to fawn over, really. That, or take out my restlessness on myself, which is not a road I want to go down again. I dare say more significant trauma came from being found out about outwardly tearing myself apart than what drove me to do so in the first place.

Instability aside, I need the rush. I relish the dopamine achieved from seeing the subject of my affections smile from my efforts. Being able to cling onto every word, every movement, and feel elated by the mere existence of them at all is such an interesting sensation. Unconditional love? For someone who barely thinks of me when I'm not in their presence? See this is my dilemma. Because although the warm fuzzy feelings are satisfying for a moment, that soon becomes boring as well. I get in my own head. I tell myself that I'm not deserving of this absolutely wonderful human and never will be. That they don't care at all and never will. And that, dear reader, is how you successfully push someone who just wanted to be your friend completely out of your life. That is how you get on the other side of the canyon, miles away from the person you've been so fixated on, staring straight down into the endless abyss left between you two, closing your eyes and only getting more excited as you wonder how many more steps you'll be able to take before falling in.