Winters War

Chapter 2:

      "So mister Barns are you still having nightmares?" I remain totally silent, my thoughts going back to last night. "James I asked you a question. Are you still having nightmares?" "No." Wow that was totally a lie. "We have been doing this long enough that I know when you're lying."the Doc tells me, "well you seem a little off today. Did something happen recently?"

      I don't know what is actually worse being here or hearing her ask me a million questions. "No."  "You're a civilian now, with your history the government need to know that your not gonna..."she says before acting like she is smashing something or hitting someone. I just nod and avert my eyes. "It's a condition of your pardon, so tell me about your most recent nightmare. Was it about Hydra? Or was it about your wife?" I feel the anger slowly bubble up inside when I hear her mention Blue.

      " I didn't have a nightmare." Now she is just sitting there with a displeased look on her face, nodding.  "Oh come one really? You're going to do the notebook thing, why? It's passive aggressive." "You don't talk, I write." God she is a stern woman. With a sigh I say "okay, okay, I crossed a name off the list of my amends yesterday. Don't worry I used all your 3 rules." She puts the pen aside and looks at me, listening contently.

      "Senator Atwood," it's then my mind goes back to everything that happened yesterday, "she was a Hydra pawn for years. Helped her get into office when I was the winter soldier. After Hydra disbanded she continued to abuse the power I gave her." "So rule number 1, you can't do anything illegal."Doc tells me. "All I did was give some intel to the aide to convict her. I wasn't involved in anything else." 

        "Rule number 2?" "What was rule number 2!" I ask her. "Nobody gets hurt. It's a big one."she says in a sarcasm tone. "Then why isn't it rule number 1?"I ask her. She just stares at me. "I didn't hurt anyone. Promise." My mind goes back to how the Senator's friend tried to pull a gun on me, so I may or may not have broke his arm. He wasn't that hurt so I don't consider rule number 2 broken. "And what about rule number 3?" I sigh and don't say anything. "The whole point of making amends is to fulfill rule number 3."she says sternly. "You know, you're a cynic, Doc. Of course I completed rule number 3."

      "I am James Bucky Barns and you're part of my efforts to make amends."I repeat back to her with a fake smile. "So you did it all right but it didn't help with the nightmares." "Well like I said I didn't have any."I state bluntly. "Look...one day you're going to have to open up and understand that that some people really want to help you and they can be trusted." "I trust people."I practically scoff. "Oh yeah, give me your phone."she demands. Shit.

I roll my eyes and give it to her anyway, allowing her to look through it. "You don't have 10 phone numbers on this thing." Once again I just roll my eyes. "Oh and you have been ignoring the text from Sam. Look you've got to nurture friendships. I am the only person you have call this week....wait, your call log shows a call with Blue. Did you find her? Is she home now?"

I swallow the lump in my throughly as I remember back to the call. "Hi it's Blue, leave a message at the beep." Her voice sounded so cheery, like nothing in the world could go wrong. "I uhhh don't know if you're getting these, I kinda doubt it but.....I wanted to wish you a happy birthday baby. I miss you more than anything. Please come home. I need you, Storm needs you." I hold the phone to our daughter letting her coo into the microphone. "She says she miss you too, but more than anything we love you Blue." My voice trembles as I say the final words, as a chunk of my heart, soul, and hope leaves me. "Goodbye my love."

"No Blue did not come back nor did she pick up. It was her birthday." A sad look washes across the doctors face, "I'm sorry Bucky I really am." "Yeah. Me too." "You really are alone now aren't you. I mean you have not history, no family besides you baby girl...". Finally cut her off, "are you lashing out at me Doc? Because that's really unprofessional....". Then she rebuttals with grabbing her pen. "Oh really with the notebook."

She just looks at me. "Alright, give me a break I'm trying. This isn't....this is new for me."I sigh, "I didn't have a moment to deal with anything, you know? I had a little....calm in Wakanda. And other thank that I went from one fight to another for 90 years, then I lost my wife." "So now that you've stopped fighting, what do you want?" The question catches me off guard. I could say a million things but more importantly I want my wife back. I want my best friend back. Things weren't the same after we lost him. If I hadn't changed then maybe Blue would still be here. My daughter would have her mother, I would have my love back in my arms.

I want so many things but the word that flies out of my mouth is "peace." "That is utter bullshit." "You're a terrible shrink." I tell her. "I was an excellent soldier" she says, "so I saw a lot of dead bodies and I know how that can shut you down, and if you are alone....that is the quietest, most personal hell. And James it's very hard to escape, I know you have been through a lot, but you've got your mind back, you are being pardoned, I mean these are good things. You're free."

I don't feel free. I don't don't really feel much at all anymore. Honestly it almost feels like there is nothing left for me. The one positive is Storm but when I see Storm I see her mother. When I think of Sam I think of Steve. Beyond them, I never had anyone else except them, and they are gone.