My Poems (more like rants but...)

I hate u. I miss u.

This one is a rant... warning suicide is the main part, also ED (if u don't know what that means then your good to read) ... so ya...

I fail. I have failed for everything and anything. It never works out correctly. I have a picture in my head of exactly what I need to happen.

And it never does. I don't know what to do with myself. What to do with my hands! I am stuck in a never-ending staring contest with myself.
A few things are meant to be perfect! Need to be! Because, when I do... it will be my last.

I have tried 3 times! Not that anyone cares. How can they care when they don't notice?

And they all failed! All of the mistakes! 3 times!

I learn things from them. All useless things.

Too little pills just give u a stomachs ache. it's not like sleeping... it's different...
cross that one off my list.

Ppl have quick reactions to slam the brake instead of crashing into you.
Cross that one off my list.

Too many ppl to witness my death when I tried to jump off the highway bridge.
Crossed off.

I can't get a gun.

Cutting seams painful.

Hanging is too slow.

There aren't many options after that. Can u imagine my disappointment! I worked myself up for nothing!

I have found a loophole though. One that makes sense. It's so perfect! I once thought it was something else.

That the flame on my skin, the pain that I felt, and the mark it leaves, was everything. Don't get me wrong. I still want it. The matchbox in the second drawer in the kitchen, to your left. Still sings the song I once loved. But someone helped me. And also killed me. And I can't thank her enough for both.

She helped. With her bluntness and no shame! She would look through my backpack for my little piece of hell... I hated her. But for some reason, I could never stop talking with her.

At one point it got worse before it got better. And she taught me how to make it better. I remember exactly how.

We were having lunch. Correction...  I was having lunch.

And I was not feeling good. Everything was tempting. She had taken my matchbox but I still had another hidden in my skirt. My brain looking for ways to get away but my skin pleading for me to stop.

she looked at me. And said, "I can help." Stood up grabbing her uneaten bag of lunch and threw it away. Then looked at me. I grabbed mine and did the same. We walked to the bathroom. And she locked the door. Opened one of the stalls and explained. Explain how perfection is done. How you can fix any problem. And I did it too. For the first time. Right there and then. She coached me. Telling me how to put my fingers. And so on.

I know it's "sick" she got sent away bc of it. Anorexia Nervosa she told me and before she left for home she said "I made it, I made it to the goal. Bye" smiled... she never smiled... and that was it. And I knew, I know. I have to make it there too.  Not for her. I look back and I don't think I even liked her... but... I want that. I want that happiness. That control that she had. The control we all strive for! And that's when I knew. The way I want to go. It would be slow. But it would be perfect. It would be perfect!
The day I last saw her. It was April 29th. I remember, but I wish I could forget.

This rant. Is for her, for Ally... I hope that when she left, left the world. I hope she found what she was looking for.

I wrote this yesterday. I miss her but I don't. I hate her but I still want to see her. It's confusing... I don't know exactly what day she died but Ik she is dead. That is the last time I saw her. So ya... She doesn't have a grave stone or a funeral or anything. Her parents didn't want to. The teachers never even talked about her, never had an assemble. So spread this... I know it's a lot to ask but... This is 2 years late... I know it might seam like a long time but it's not.
I can't describe how much I hate her but... Yeah... Please do.

Also I realized that I am very open about my ick thoughts on here... I never clarified this bc I didn't think ppl would... but you ppl can ask questions. You would be surprised by how many PMs I get, asking innocent questions with 400 sorry next to them. I am an open book, u can ask anything u want.

I am scared for the calendar!
Its days are numbered!

That deserves applause! *dramatic bow*

Suggestions and corrections welcome!